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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Disappointed with your sex life Part 3

281 replies

lemonade · 24/07/2004 17:39

A new thread for us. I'll see you here instead of at Part 2.

OP posts:
gettingthere · 05/12/2004 21:30

newstart - hiya - how are you? I'm here but not here if you see what I mean. have been trying to get organised, put house on market, tidy up (ouch!) and get ready for Christmas. I keep meaning to come on mumsnet, but usually fall asleep (it must be my age!)

how are you?
hugs
gettingthere

Titania · 16/12/2004 10:51

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puTITANIAchristmaswishlist · 28/12/2004 23:27

everybody having too much fun now then???

Titania · 29/12/2004 18:04

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reallyembarrassedbut · 30/12/2004 13:28

nope, no fun here, i assure you - some sort of weirdness, but that's it - what's up Titania?

Titania · 30/12/2004 19:30

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Titania · 30/12/2004 19:31

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reallyembarrassedbut · 12/01/2005 08:16

Maybe it's time for a part 4 - if there's still a call for it?

In the pub last night with a couple of friends the conversation came up. I honestly never thought men would sit around asking "how often do you...?" unless they were then going to say "ooh, all the time, morning noon and night" but this chap was saying that he and his wife only made love once or twice a week, they've been married 10 years, is the spice gone forever and so on.

The look he gave me when i said "7 years" was almost worth it.

Except of course it wasn't. I'm still lost and confused. There have been a few times recently when we've got close, but she's obviously doing it just to please me, keep me quiet, or shut me up, and just as obviously really not enjoying being close to me or touching me - this is not a fulfilling loving happy experience, and i've now had to pretend to be asleep a few times to avoid that again.

And i still feel guilty - what right do i think i have, shouldn't i be ashamed of having this physical urge, and why the hell should she put herself through what is clearly a revolting experience for me?

Not far from where i work there are lots of... erm, working girls, and i won't say i haven't thought about it, and i feel guilty and pathetic for that too, just glad i haven't got the time or the money or the bs to do it.

Branster · 18/01/2005 14:36

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Happy New Year everyone!

Newstart I hope you're well. We miss you!.

Titania I hope you're well too. I'm sorry I haven't contributed to your threads much but I felt that everybody else had such good advice to give you. I missed your messages on here so don't know much of what happened but have some idea from your other threads. I do think of you and really hope things will get better. they already did with the house (if things are still the same) but emotionall issues take such a long time to solve and it must be draining on you. I wish you only the best things in the world and hope we'll come accross each other in the future sometime on here.

REB, of course you have the right (and need) to think and want sex, especially as you are married. only monks are denied this natural right and I'm certain they do it all teh time anyway. More than you probably

As for the working girls issue: is only normal that it crosses your mind given the circumstances as well. BUT whatever you go through, please, please, please DON'T do it, not even approach them. You don't need it, it costs money and you're sure to catch something nasty even if you use two condoms instead of one. I don't know you but from your past messages, I chance the guess that you'd feel totally disgusted with yourself if you are ever to go ahead with such a thing. Better to have an affair in your position really.

I think you need to somehow talk it through with DW, it's really really difficult for you (and her for all you know) and if you at least talk about it it might improve the situation. I don't really know what you'd say exactly but maybe if you start, words will follow.

Now about me, since it's been such a long time since I alst posted. As mentioned last time, we did have a chat which was only spurred on by a (very civilised) discussion on a different topic that affected us both (nothing sinister, more practical but needed dealing with and that's all sorted now). It turned out that DH was not aware we were having any kind of problems and in his opinion , having been married for a number of years now, and having a child means that sex and closeness doesn't have to occur to often. I told him that it shouldn't be like this and I'm not prepared to carry on under present circumstances. Anmyway, we left it at that and his attitude did change by itself (or maybe he made a conscious effort). Now is slightly more attentive to me with little things like kisses and cuddles, but not as much as I would like still. Sex does happen a lot more often but I'm sorry to say it's still not great. Although at first I thought it was better, I think it was just in my mind. Hopefully things will improve but I am aware we have to still work at it. Maybe we will, maybe we won't . Time will tell. At present I feel really happy with everything so that can't be bad.

Lonelymum · 18/01/2005 14:52

I follow this thread from time to time but don't usually post. REB, I do empathise with you (or your dw) as my dh and I have dissimilar sex drives. I do think though that if she has been making an effort towards you lately, you shouldn't dismiss it as only doing it to shut you up (unless she says so in so many words). I know I am not really entitled to say so, but I think you should welcome whatever she offers you. Try not to analyse it too deeply. In my experience, the more often a loving act or full sex takes place, the more a woman wants it again. Maybe sometimes she does go through the motions, but at least she is trying to reach you. I won't say more, but believe me, I speak as someone who knows a bit about what you are experiencing.

reallyembarrassedbut · 21/01/2005 19:49

My point is, it isn't loving - i know that rather flies in the face of what i've said about, erm, the alternatives, but nevertheless, a good old fashioned f**k would be a nice distraction - and before anyone thinks it, i'm not actually that attractive, so yes, that's a definite possibility, but i just wish she'd say "eeurgh" or something, and i could leave it at that. Hell, i'll be 70 one day, and it won't seem to matter so much.

Lonelymum · 21/01/2005 19:52

Oh well, if there is no love there, that is another matter...

reallyembarrassedbut · 21/01/2005 19:55

Wow, i'm really bad at talking about this, esepcially considering how much i've done it on this thread, though i'm astonished at how many other threads there are along the same lines.....

I think there is some love, though not a lot. What i was failing to say was that in the recent, erm attempts, it's been just her trying to, well, make me shut up really - no passion, she's not really interested, and that makes me feel like i'm abusing her.

Lonelymum · 21/01/2005 19:57

Oh god that sounds like us! What I meant was, I congratulate myself on even attempting to give dh what he wants and no it isn't always great sex, but I feel pleased with myself for making the effort and I would be upset if dh criticised me for it.

jessicasmummy · 21/01/2005 19:58

Sex is sex in my house! No love, no romance, just a quick grope and straight down to the good old fashioned f**k. I wish he would jsut do the whole candles, flowers sensitive bit once in a while!!!

reallyembarrassedbut · 21/01/2005 20:00

smacks head against keyboard

sorry, i'm just digging a deeper hole aren't i? i used to be understanding and empathetic and witty you know, honestly....

i wouldn't and haven't criticised her, but, well, she never touches me for any reason, except for a couple of sudden, unnanounced hurried "encounters", after which she turned away from me, and wrapped herself up in the duvet, so she didn't have to touch me again.

I felt like a disgusting old man.

Lonelymum · 21/01/2005 20:04

Sorry! Realised the minute I wrote it that it sounded like I was suggesting you criticised your dw. Didn't mean that.

Gosh you are making me think about my attitude towards sex now. There is nothing I like more after doing it than to immediately roll away and go to sleep! I never worried myself about it because I thought that was what men were usually criticised for doing! You mean you want to hold her and have long into the night cuddles with her afterwards?

reallyembarrassedbut · 22/01/2005 22:36

yes!

Lonelymum · 23/01/2005 18:22

Don't want you to have to go over old ground, but have you tried holding her and giving her long into the night cuddles without the sex beforehand? Would she appreciate that occasionally?

reallyembarrassedbut · 23/01/2005 19:30

It's not "sex" as such, it's anything like that she avoids, kissing, hugging, intimacy, at all.

You know some people don't like public displays of affection? Well, she doesn't like private ones either.

Lonelymum · 23/01/2005 20:03

Has she always been like that? - should you be telling me one way or another?

It is just that I thought you said she wanted to be with you, so it is not that she has fallen out with you? I suppose there are some people who don't seem to need physical affection, but you sound like someone who does need it, so I was wondering whether she has changed or whether you didn't realise her lack of need for affection when you first got together.

reallyembarrassedbut · 23/01/2005 20:14

She does seem to need me, but not - well, in any way i understand.

I love her in a pretty simple "think she's great", "makes me happy" and "fancy her" sort of way.

IF i was cynical i'd mention that i haven't really had so much as a hug for a hugs sake since our son was born.

Pooraschurchmouse · 23/01/2005 20:21

So it started to go wrong after your son was born?

Lonelymum · 23/01/2005 20:23

Gosh that must be hard. Do you think it was your son being born that changed her? How old is he? Do you and your dw want any more children or is it too early to say?

Branster · 23/01/2005 20:59

Hi REB, LM and everyone!

Don't have much time at the moment so I won't write it in a 'fluffy' way. But, REB you really, really need to go out just for one evening with DW. I rememebr from past posts that it is a difficult thing to arrange but if you really want to try your best, you MUST organize an evening out, just to rediscover each other. If you don't know what's wrong, if she doesn't tell you waht's wrong, then you don't stand much chance of changing anything. True, there might not be anything to change if her wish is so, but at least you are trying.
You don't know each other anymore. For a start, she has no idea about how much you felt the need to tell us for such a long time. If only you have a chance to talk in a suitable environment, it might lead to more closeness. Take the lady out! Valentine's day is around the corner, what better excuse do you need?!
And of course buy her something special and nice flowers.
It is difficult to give advice because I'm not in the best position for a start, and don't know the exact situation. I hope it helps a bit to get you going. You do need to take some action, subtle or not, otherwise you're wasting a lot of energy and emotions for no real benefit.
How would she react if you were to tell her one night when you are in bed that you'd love to hold her in your arms all night. that you miss holding her, JUST holding her? If she has no objections, under no circumstances do anything that may be interpreted as a sexual inuedo because we're not sure she wants any sex just yet.
I don't know what would be the best approach: playing cool and unavailable or showing how enamoured with her you are. Maybe others have better ideas than me.
Must go now...