Disappointed with your sex life Part 3

[lemonade]

A new thread for us. I'll see you here instead of at Part 2.

What a revival here!!!

Hi nutty welcome to this thread! Will have a look here tonight as I'm in a bit of a rush right now. I hope you're OK.

Sorry you're feeling so down Titania. I caught a glimpse of your other postings somewhereelse and know things are not easy for you at the moment. I hope it all gets better soon. Lots of hugs.

Lonelymum, from what I gather REB's issue is deffinetly not related to anything already mentioned by us. I did feel he was beeing analysed under a microscope for a little while so REB I hope you didn't mind and took it as the joke that was. I wouldn't like to loose you from this thread and hope no offence was taken.

Oh i think it can take a bit longer for them to kick in.

Think i may have to get some after all.

Oh have a virtual one off me {{{{{{}}}}}}

Sorry you are feeling so bad.

I have to go and get the kids now, but i'll be onlater if you need to chat xxxxxxx

Men aren't always very good at that "just a cuddle, no sex please" thing are they? Dh and I are quite happily married, although not without our problems, but even he can't understand I need loads of cuddles day after day before I could even contemplate sex.

No me neither.
Last night, I had (unusually for me) an unpleasant period ache across my back and stomach. I persuaded dh to get me a hot water bottle for the stomach and then he cuddled up behind me to warm my back to help with the ache there, and it all helped really quickly and I thought why can't he do this sort of thing more often? It is far more likely to make me want sex than some of the other so-called turn-ons.

I honestly believe that sex problems in a relationship are symptomatic of general communication problems. Had a terrible sex life with my ex husband, but the sex problems were the symptoms rather than the cause iykwim

No offence taken, it' not something that bothers me to be honest, I mean I wouldn't put it on my CV, but most people have experimented a bit haven't they, that's how you find stuff out.

I won't rise to the bait that for men sex is just meachanical, though i might sulk a bit about it. I think for most of us here the "sex life" is the affection and interest as mcuh as the actual sex.

Also I am sure you're right space, it is indicative of the general relationship, at least in my mind, and the fact that I spend every day pretending to be happy, and my wife isn't happy are pretty much why we don't even touch each other anymore. Oh, and that I'm quite ugly (joke).

I definatly agree spacemoneky, i think you've hit the nail on the head for me at least anyhow.

Titania - Thanks for you email

Feel free to give us a shout if ever you need to chat too won't you. I am on most days (well everyday actually).

Maybe we do need a part 4, i've made things drift, sorry.

I should probably withdraw from the rest of the discussion - i'm trying to make a decision not to think about it, some say "give up". There is something similar to my situation in today's Guardian, and frankly the only thing that sounds likely to happen is that i'll get to be 70, never resolve it, then die, and i'm too tired to fight anymore.

Maybe we do need a part 4, i've made things drift, sorry.

I should probably withdraw from the rest of the discussion - i'm trying to make a decision not to think about it, some say "give up". There is something similar to my situation in today's Guardian, and frankly the only thing that sounds likely to happen is that i'll get to be 70, never resolve it, then die, and i'm too tired to fight anymore.

What a very sad post REB. I went through a similar situation in my marriage, which ended almost 6 years ago, and although it has been hard I don't regret it for a second. You are entitled to some happiness and so is your wife. Why don't you separate?

REB you're obviously an optimist at heart since you envisage yourself getting to 70!
Joking aside, I find that thinking about it too much doesn't resolve anything. One day we need to just be brave and confront the issue through a frank discussion with partners. So, you start first, let me know how it went then I'll have a go too! How about that? Eh?! It can't go on like this forever... Let's stop moaning and do something about it! What's the worst that can happen? That's my question. Until I elucidate that, I don't feel very brave . What do you think???

On my dial-up connection it took me ages to scroll down just now! I'm here now.
Phew!!! I spoke to DH....
There was a totally different matter I needed to discuss with him in a serious manner and I aproached him about it this morning. Alongside it I also mentioned that I feel he's pushed me away from him for a very long time, that we are not really living in a marriage as a couple, we don't talk, we don't share feelings, i feel neglected, ignored etc etc. Also gave him a few examples from the past when he made me feel totally invisible and was sure he would not remember them as such. I went on a bit about it, tried my best not to cry but I did have a few tears as I asked him about what is going to happen to us. Hisreaction:
a) he didn't think we were having any major problems, in his opinion things change over time and it is not necessary to live in each other's pocket all your married life. he didn't think romance, cuddles, attention was so important to me.
b) we shall both try and make an effort to get closer to each other in time and get to know each other again. IMO we haven't got much in common anymore.
c)eventually I got a cuddle but no kiss
d)can't remember the rest in detail
but all in all it wasn't a row at all and he wasn't as affected as me. he just seems happy with the way things are, it suits him (he didn't say it, but his reaction made me think that)
At least it's a start, i don't know why I was so scared to talk to him before. Come to think of it, nothing is solved or changed yet, it looks like it's going to take time. We both said that none of us has any intention of leaving the other one, none of us had any affairs so far and I told him I love him a lot, lot , lot (Well, he didn't actually say that to me so I'm quite realistic here, i still haven't got back to how it used to be. i wonder if he does love me still??)
Will elaborate on all this some other time, there's so much going through my mind right now. I still haven't got a clear answer but at least I did something today so will try and work on that.
Still don't know if we're ever going to be as happy as I want but I'll give it a bit of time to see what happens.
I didn't mention sex to him as I didn't feel brave enough .

Really well done, Branster - it sounds like a great start and you obviously got him in the right frame of mind to listen to you.
It takes a few goes - ie telling him how you feel - before it will sink in just how unhappy you are but hopefully he will eventually get the message.
Just as men feel left out sometimes when we have kids, so we feel neglected, as if we are scivvies doing our all for our men and kids. Sometimes we just need a pat on the back or whatewver to show we are appreciated.
The trick is to keep on plugging away now (NOT nagging!) as he might feel he's done his bit now by listening to you, but might not (yet) actually believe he actually has to make an effort!
(Sorry REB, don't mean to offend by any of this - just a woman's perspective ).
Good luck.

Thank you for your nice message bobs! I'll bear that in mind (no nagging!!!) and give him a bit of space. I think you are spot on in your observations. I have a similar perception of how things are just couldn't quite express it as well as you did. Will let you know how it goes... I know there's still a lot to happen for things to settle.

I've had a fair amount of experience (perception-wise)- trying to work out why he does what he does etc. sometimes I think men simply don't realise what they are, or aren't, doing can be hurtful and nedd it pointing out.
Whoops, been summoned upstairs - to sleep
Night Night

Everyone OK???!!!

hey all, quiet in here - i kind of hope you're all getting somewhere

Hi, all! This is just a fleeting visit.
In answer to your question, reb, yes, thanks, I'm getting somewhere. I hope it all works out for all of you.
Thanks, Branster, for your good wishes.
bobs - Hi, there!

Titania - I hope all goes well for you with your new home. Good luck. I'll keep in touch

gettingthere - I'm missing you terribly. If you see this, can you leave a message here to let us know how you are, please? Thanks. xx

Not really getting anywhere at all to be honest, but thanks for asking.

How about everyone else?