I cheated and have lost everything I ever wanted

[Gatsby86]

I am male. I didn't really know where to go on the internet to post this. A normal response on a male orientated forum is 'man up' or 'have sex with 10 others and then come back,' whereas female orientated forums assume I am the devil incarnate; and I really don't think that is true.

5 years ago I met a truly amazing girl; completely not what I would have said I was looking for in a woman, but I knew as soon as I met her that she was what I wanted. We lived together for 3 years and the idea of marriage and kids were regularly discussed. We were great together; I can count on one hand the number of disagreements we had and we made each other better people. I got a job in and moved to London despite really not being a fan of the place because she could advance her career better there. For her birthday, I spoke to her boss and arranged time to be booked off from her job and surprised her by taking her away to Verona and Venice.

On NYE last year, she did something that really hurt me. Then, in January she had an operation on her leg and a month off work to recover. At the time I was working 14 hour days. I tried to help as much as I could I really did, but I just didn't have the energy to come back after that much work and then cook/clean/look after her. I started to resent her because I felt she could have been doing some of this stuff herself as she was simply spending all day watching TV. Her mum then criticised me for not looking after her and so she decided to go home for a week where her parents could look after her. I am not saying all this to negate what I did, I am simply trying to explain how I ended up where I did. During the week that she was away, I had sex with another girl. It was a completely one off event, not enjoyable, and I am mortified that I did it; but a week later she found a message on my phone and asked me about, so I told her. I can honestly say it was a mistake that I would give anything to take it back. I adore this woman.

She left that night and stayed at a friends house. We talked for a few hours the next night, both of us in tears. And then, she told her parents. I have not spoken to them since, but her words were that they told her if she stayed with me that they would cut her off, that she wasn't thinking straight, that forgiving me would make her 'morally bankrupt' and that I am not the type of man they would give her away too. However, things largely continued as they were and it seemed she was trying to forgive me. We remained living together, we would do couples things together as normal, even sex. Every 3-4 weeks she would go home to her parents and come back in bits from them ranting at her all weekend. Apparently, the fact they spent all weekend shouting at her was all my fault. I tried to remain impartial and avoid criticising them; I wanted her to choose me rather than be manipulated in to it. But inside I was seething.

Then one day in May she told me she was leaving the flat. I was devastated and completely broke down when I saw she had moved all her stuff out. 2 weeks later, we started talking again. We agreed to date and see where things went. She said she didn't know what she wanted and I found it very hard to date her as a normal person which put a ridiculous strain on the whole thing I think. We both had a holiday period in August, she told me she loved me before we parted but then afterwards said that she doesn't want 'us' anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt but to no avail. There's plenty more stuff left unsaid in this account, but this is already becoming a novella...

She has told me that shes moved on, but how you move on from a 5 year relationship in a couple of months I don't know. She has told me that her life is better without any reminders of what happened, so I feel she is partly just trying to bury and forget what happened, rather than 'move on'. It irks me that part of her rationale was 'what would other people be thinking if we were to get married,' as if other peoples opinions should matter if we are happy. She has been seeing someone else but, for a couple of reasons, I think it is just a rebound relationship in order to improve her confidence with someone she feels better than.

I've tried to move on and have dated other women over the last few months, but none of them make me feel how she made me feel. To be honest, I don't think anyone else ever will. Its been 4 months now and I hurt so much. I sat for hours in a public park crying last week and its not the first time that's happened. I regularly burst in to tears at work, on the train or when at home. My friends are mostly guys, so I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to. Most of all, it is driving me absolutely insane knowing that I didn't lose her because of some external uncontrollable reason but because of something that I did, that was completely meaningless. I know that what I did was vile, believe me I hate myself for it, and I would give anything to undo it.

Sex is never meaningless. There is always a reason for it - thrill seeking, anger, enjoying feeling like a fantastic lover, wanting an orgasm, wanting to please someone, whatever - and therefore meaning in it for the person doing it. It tends to have personality behind it!

The insults come flying out and the projection is incredible.

If you post on the relationships board which is full of threads by women who have been badly treated and in some cases strangled and battered by men, then for many posters the needs and the feelings of a man behaving badly are not their priority. Women don't always have to be nice or motherly. The needs and feelings of a man are not always the main focus of the situation. And support doesn't always mean sympathy.

Frankly if my son was the OP I'd be more grateful for someone giving him a kick up the backside and addressing the actual issues going on for him than I would for a lot of 'aww hon' ing.

You were annoyed with your girlfriend when she was ill, you had sex with someone else, but you are so upset she dumped you, you're still crying about it four months later. These two halves don't match up. I think it's the loss you dislike, the failure. If you cherished her, you would not have acted the way you did. And if you truly regretted your behaviour your post wouldn't have been so full of self justification. That line about not knowing how she could move on? You cheated on her! That's how. She probably spent the rest of your dying relationship together processing things and preparing to move on.

I think it's a counsellor you need, not this woman.

Gatsby86 - you will get over this. A relationship break up after several years together is always going to hurt. It would be more worrying if you were not deeply upset. Don't keep trying to cling on to what is gone, though, and stop entirely blaming yourself. A relationship takes two people. Neither of you were perfect.

All reckless acts can have serious consequences. You knew that at the time, even if you did not want to think about it. You made a choice and you were in control of that choice. Just because it wasn't fun, it doesn't mean it had no meaning. Unfortunately, the breach of trust had huge meaning. You now know that sex is never meaningless. There are other women in the world who, whilst different, are just as capable of loving you and inspiring love in you. Give yourself time to mourn what you lost, then start again, wiser and more thoughtful.

Read your thread title and was initially going to come on here and perhaps offer some support as sometimes it can be a bit nasty to men.

But then I read your post.

And your follow up post.

Oh dear. My advice - stop talking.

You are so self-absorbed and full of excuses, it's unreal. Who cares if she cheated in a previous relationship? Who cares you were working long hours? You fucked someone else.

Glad she has dumped you. I would've too. The more you talk, the more pathetic and spineless you sound. Leave her alone and let her get on with her life.

Like you said, you cheated, you've lost everything. Deal with it.

Oh, and I was so distracted by your maudlin self-pity and boo hoos, did I miss the bit about how sorry your were for hurting her? And the pain you caused her? And all your profuse apologies?

Think you forgot to mention that bit.

It comes across like you think she is unreasonable for leaving you because it was only once.
It doesn't matter. Not everyone is willing or able to forgive a cheat, even a 'One off mistake'. It's her choice whether to forgive you or not. She owes you nothing and just because your friends wives are mugs it doesn't mean your ex should be one.
Let her go and move on. She clearly doesn't want to work things out and that's her choice that she is entitled to make.
I agree with others that there is something really off about your attitude.

Look at it from her point of view,
When she was ill and depended on you, you weren't there for her, to the point where she had to go home and be looked after by her parents.
Then when she was gone, you weren't too busy to have sex with someone else.
Does this sound like someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with OP?
Life is full of ups and down, and your Ex learned that you couldn't be depended on during the downs.
When you have kids of your own, you'll be able to understand where her parents are coming from as well.
Learn the lessons from this, don't take your partners for granted, be there during the hard times for them, and don't shag around.

You are getting a bit of a pasting OP, I really hope you are reading this and taking it in. You will grow as a person if you are able to get through it all.

Two big things stand out for me. I an not quite in alignment with the Mumsnet hive mind, I can and have forgiven cheating. It kills the love, but personally I can get through that. But here's the thing I think you are not getting. She is an actual person, with her own opinions and they are just as valid as yours. You are coming across as condescending to her. She's a 'girl' she's wrong. Everything you say suggests you don't see her as an equal, more some kind of exotic pet. And you are horrified she's escaped.

And, second
Personally, I would have in all probability got past the cheating, but bloody hell id have dumped your sorry arse for your behaviour when she was ill. The first time I was properly Ill when I got with my now husband, i was on the verge of hospitalisation for a severe illness. He took time off work to nurse me. He didn't do a runner, call me lazy and let my parents pick up the pieces. I heard him on the phone to his boss, who was kicking off at him For wanting time off at a busy time. He stood firm, my health was the most important thing. And This is why we are married now.

That's the difference

I have read this and I'm going to be slightly different.
I haven't been cheated on, nor have I ever cheated, just for the record.
You say she cheated first, so my thoughts on this are that she probably didn't want to be with you then.
The excuses she made for going to her parents were to start the break. But women are complex creatures, I know I am.
But maybe the fact you cheated as well, that puts an onus on the woman to "win".
It's pathetic and needy, but we want to be the most important person in someone's life. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves and lying. Maybe she tried again because she wanted to prove to herself you could, she could have the control and the victory.
I don't know if this makes sense, but I think you know this relationship is clearly over and you need to accept that.

I'm more annoyed that you didn't look after her when she was unwell. You say you worked long hours and then had to come home and do housework etc.

There are young kids with disabled parents that get up do household chores before school and then come home to cook meals , care for the parent, do the washing etc , which is ongoing. Your situation was only temporary.

I think the truth of things are that you're not able not to be the centre of attention in a relationship, OP.

So when your partner was unwell, you sought out an affair, which meant that you didn't need to play second fiddle to someone else and their problems.

Your post is also all about you, which tends to support this.

I wonder how you're feeling with an entire thread devoted to you too, whether the posts are positive or negative? At least you're still very much centre stage.

Learn from it and move on. Nobody in the world is indispensable. What you did was very low

Ffs - another one of these?

Man posts - making sure to announce he is indeed A Man.
Post makes man (sorry Man) sound like idiot, but seems to seek genuine advice.
Posters give opinions
Man returns to tell woman (or ladies/girls) why the advice is both bad and wrong
Other posters come on to protest that poor op would get different responses if he were a woman (ignoring fact that most days on MN women get their arses handed to them for expressing the most innocuous opinions)
Op disappears while the thread continues for 11ty billion pages.

There have been loads of these recently and I think it's a shame that Relationships ,of all the forums, has so many posters who set out to persuade women to endorse their poor treatment of their wives/partners.

I really really wish that MN would collectively realise that this sort of post is made by a masochist who is sat behind their keyboard wanking over the abuse they get.

The subsequent rebuttals and dripfeeds are purely to bring even more spite and contempt on them.

Trust me, I'm a professional. I get paid to give clients abuse; most of you guys don't.

OP have you considered that she may have left you because you are such a crushing bore? Head tilt.

@NotTheFordType

I think you're bang on the money.

In time she might forgive you and be willing to rebuild the relationship with you. But, for the foreseeable future, you need to give her space and time to heal. Same for you-get counselling, build your self-esteem, date other women, and, in several months, if you want to get back in contact with her, do so. She might be amenable or she might have moved on. Time will tell!
Hope things work out.

I do agree with PP though. You should have supported her when she needed you after her surgery.
Learn how to be a true partner to the woman you love.

She cheated first. Maybe she was hoping that would make you end the relationship. The relationship was over from that point, legs, 14 hour days and all other events notwithstanding.
You need to let this go, other posters have offered good advice on ways to do this.

'Completely not what I would've said I was looking for in a woman'
I didn't need to read any further.
Subtle attempt, well done, hope you enjoyed your bashing.

You fucked some other ‘girl’ when you were even VERY HAPPY with your girlfriend? Cool. You sound like a catch 😄😄😄

You both sound very young, you want to shag around, go do it now so you don't feel like you're missing out later. She's not ready for an adult relationship if she needs to share everything with her parents. The cheating may have broken the relationship now but their over involvement in her relationships and her over reliance on them would have doomed it anyway.