I am male. I didn't really know where to go on the internet to post this. A normal response on a male orientated forum is 'man up' or 'have sex with 10 others and then come back,' whereas female orientated forums assume I am the devil incarnate; and I really don't think that is true.
5 years ago I met a truly amazing girl; completely not what I would have said I was looking for in a woman, but I knew as soon as I met her that she was what I wanted. We lived together for 3 years and the idea of marriage and kids were regularly discussed. We were great together; I can count on one hand the number of disagreements we had and we made each other better people. I got a job in and moved to London despite really not being a fan of the place because she could advance her career better there. For her birthday, I spoke to her boss and arranged time to be booked off from her job and surprised her by taking her away to Verona and Venice.
On NYE last year, she did something that really hurt me. Then, in January she had an operation on her leg and a month off work to recover. At the time I was working 14 hour days. I tried to help as much as I could I really did, but I just didn't have the energy to come back after that much work and then cook/clean/look after her. I started to resent her because I felt she could have been doing some of this stuff herself as she was simply spending all day watching TV. Her mum then criticised me for not looking after her and so she decided to go home for a week where her parents could look after her. I am not saying all this to negate what I did, I am simply trying to explain how I ended up where I did. During the week that she was away, I had sex with another girl. It was a completely one off event, not enjoyable, and I am mortified that I did it; but a week later she found a message on my phone and asked me about, so I told her. I can honestly say it was a mistake that I would give anything to take it back. I adore this woman.
She left that night and stayed at a friends house. We talked for a few hours the next night, both of us in tears. And then, she told her parents. I have not spoken to them since, but her words were that they told her if she stayed with me that they would cut her off, that she wasn't thinking straight, that forgiving me would make her 'morally bankrupt' and that I am not the type of man they would give her away too. However, things largely continued as they were and it seemed she was trying to forgive me. We remained living together, we would do couples things together as normal, even sex. Every 3-4 weeks she would go home to her parents and come back in bits from them ranting at her all weekend. Apparently, the fact they spent all weekend shouting at her was all my fault. I tried to remain impartial and avoid criticising them; I wanted her to choose me rather than be manipulated in to it. But inside I was seething.
Then one day in May she told me she was leaving the flat. I was devastated and completely broke down when I saw she had moved all her stuff out. 2 weeks later, we started talking again. We agreed to date and see where things went. She said she didn't know what she wanted and I found it very hard to date her as a normal person which put a ridiculous strain on the whole thing I think. We both had a holiday period in August, she told me she loved me before we parted but then afterwards said that she doesn't want 'us' anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt but to no avail. There's plenty more stuff left unsaid in this account, but this is already becoming a novella...
She has told me that shes moved on, but how you move on from a 5 year relationship in a couple of months I don't know. She has told me that her life is better without any reminders of what happened, so I feel she is partly just trying to bury and forget what happened, rather than 'move on'. It irks me that part of her rationale was 'what would other people be thinking if we were to get married,' as if other peoples opinions should matter if we are happy. She has been seeing someone else but, for a couple of reasons, I think it is just a rebound relationship in order to improve her confidence with someone she feels better than.
I've tried to move on and have dated other women over the last few months, but none of them make me feel how she made me feel. To be honest, I don't think anyone else ever will. Its been 4 months now and I hurt so much. I sat for hours in a public park crying last week and its not the first time that's happened. I regularly burst in to tears at work, on the train or when at home. My friends are mostly guys, so I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to. Most of all, it is driving me absolutely insane knowing that I didn't lose her because of some external uncontrollable reason but because of something that I did, that was completely meaningless. I know that what I did was vile, believe me I hate myself for it, and I would give anything to undo it.