I cheated and have lost everything I ever wanted

[Gatsby86]

I am male. I didn't really know where to go on the internet to post this. A normal response on a male orientated forum is 'man up' or 'have sex with 10 others and then come back,' whereas female orientated forums assume I am the devil incarnate; and I really don't think that is true.

5 years ago I met a truly amazing girl; completely not what I would have said I was looking for in a woman, but I knew as soon as I met her that she was what I wanted. We lived together for 3 years and the idea of marriage and kids were regularly discussed. We were great together; I can count on one hand the number of disagreements we had and we made each other better people. I got a job in and moved to London despite really not being a fan of the place because she could advance her career better there. For her birthday, I spoke to her boss and arranged time to be booked off from her job and surprised her by taking her away to Verona and Venice.

On NYE last year, she did something that really hurt me. Then, in January she had an operation on her leg and a month off work to recover. At the time I was working 14 hour days. I tried to help as much as I could I really did, but I just didn't have the energy to come back after that much work and then cook/clean/look after her. I started to resent her because I felt she could have been doing some of this stuff herself as she was simply spending all day watching TV. Her mum then criticised me for not looking after her and so she decided to go home for a week where her parents could look after her. I am not saying all this to negate what I did, I am simply trying to explain how I ended up where I did. During the week that she was away, I had sex with another girl. It was a completely one off event, not enjoyable, and I am mortified that I did it; but a week later she found a message on my phone and asked me about, so I told her. I can honestly say it was a mistake that I would give anything to take it back. I adore this woman.

She left that night and stayed at a friends house. We talked for a few hours the next night, both of us in tears. And then, she told her parents. I have not spoken to them since, but her words were that they told her if she stayed with me that they would cut her off, that she wasn't thinking straight, that forgiving me would make her 'morally bankrupt' and that I am not the type of man they would give her away too. However, things largely continued as they were and it seemed she was trying to forgive me. We remained living together, we would do couples things together as normal, even sex. Every 3-4 weeks she would go home to her parents and come back in bits from them ranting at her all weekend. Apparently, the fact they spent all weekend shouting at her was all my fault. I tried to remain impartial and avoid criticising them; I wanted her to choose me rather than be manipulated in to it. But inside I was seething.

Then one day in May she told me she was leaving the flat. I was devastated and completely broke down when I saw she had moved all her stuff out. 2 weeks later, we started talking again. We agreed to date and see where things went. She said she didn't know what she wanted and I found it very hard to date her as a normal person which put a ridiculous strain on the whole thing I think. We both had a holiday period in August, she told me she loved me before we parted but then afterwards said that she doesn't want 'us' anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt but to no avail. There's plenty more stuff left unsaid in this account, but this is already becoming a novella...

She has told me that shes moved on, but how you move on from a 5 year relationship in a couple of months I don't know. She has told me that her life is better without any reminders of what happened, so I feel she is partly just trying to bury and forget what happened, rather than 'move on'. It irks me that part of her rationale was 'what would other people be thinking if we were to get married,' as if other peoples opinions should matter if we are happy. She has been seeing someone else but, for a couple of reasons, I think it is just a rebound relationship in order to improve her confidence with someone she feels better than.

I've tried to move on and have dated other women over the last few months, but none of them make me feel how she made me feel. To be honest, I don't think anyone else ever will. Its been 4 months now and I hurt so much. I sat for hours in a public park crying last week and its not the first time that's happened. I regularly burst in to tears at work, on the train or when at home. My friends are mostly guys, so I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to. Most of all, it is driving me absolutely insane knowing that I didn't lose her because of some external uncontrollable reason but because of something that I did, that was completely meaningless. I know that what I did was vile, believe me I hate myself for it, and I would give anything to undo it.

I'm not defending you here as I think this is your own mistake.

but you already know that.

You HAVE to move on as she has done. 5 years - in the grand scheme of things, isn't that long. You will come out of this.
Someone else mentioned this being a life lesson and it is.
Trust can't be fixed sometimes, and if she couldn't forgive, you wouldn't want to continue in this resentful relationship- it would have eventually worn you both down.

You made a mistake.
You tried again
It didn't work
I'm sorry you feel so bad
Time will heal you

New year soon - move forward. Subconsciously you did this because you were unhappy somewhere and now you are here and you can't change it.

You will find happiness again and when you do I'm sure you will cherish it.

I do think that the question of how she hurt you on NYE could be relevant. But it wouldn’t excuse your cheating!

How do you move on?

Well, you either manage to do so alone or you go see a therapist.

To give your OP the benefit of the doubt as to its veracity: it is overwrought, and dramatic and you call a woman a girl, which tells me everything I need to know and feels insincere. If you wrote it with good intentions, perhaps one day you'll start to deal with yourself.

"it is driving me absolutely insane knowing that I didn't lose her because of some external uncontrollable reason but because of something that I did, that was completely meaningless."

Well, clearly your girlfriend did not think it was meaningless.

I really hope your ex isn't on mumsnet and this is a way of trying to reassert control over her. Leave her alone.

I suspect she has been breaking slowly away from you.. from the moment she found out.. she was simply going through the motions.. so what appears to be a sudden end.. is in fact the final act on a very long journey...

you know why you are here... you know what you did.. only you know why you did it.... I'm sorry for your Loss.. it's done.. you must take time and heal .. x

I don’t think you’re the devil btw. Which doesn’t mean that I condone your cheating, btw!

But it sounds like you’re still young-ish(?), so let this be a lesson and don’t ever cheat again.

See a therapist if you can’t get over her. Because whilst you really did mess up... that doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to move on.

How did you manage to find the time to have sex in the week she moved in with her parents, if you where working 14 hour days?

Unfortunately it’s what happens when you cheat. You should respect her wishes and let her get on with her life. She doesn’t need your head fuckery let her go. Get some counselling, learn your lesson anD move on.

If she was the love of your life you wouldnt have put the relationship on the line to have sex with someone else.
Better off moving on.

Look, you did a terrible thing and you know that. But these things happen, she’s dumped you and now you really have no choice but to move on.

I was once dumped and, I don’t know why, but it absolutely floored me. For months and months. It was hideous. The only way through it is to just get to the end of every day. Try to find some new stuff in your life that isn’t related to her. Try to meet new people or take up a new sport. Just get as far away from this mess as possible. You’re going to have to stop speaking to her, for the sake of your own mental health. You need distance. One day you won’t think of her for a few hours. Then it will be a whole day. Eventually you’ll move on and probably find someone else. This awful feeling won’t last forever.

If she really was the love of your life then you wouldn’t have cheated. You just wouldn’t. There is nothing in this world that could persuade me to cheat on my husband.

Eyes forward.

I don't think I could go back to a relationship where somebody cheated on me. The trust is gone.

Also, being on her back when she was recovering - that isn't a supportive, loving attitude that you'd expect from a life partner either. For better or worse and all that. She went to her mom's for help, that's not on, you should've helped her.

You need to move on now, I agree about depression, but once you let go, it will get better in time. You fucked up, you're paying the price, but learn from this for the future.

It sucks but it took you less than a week to fuck someone else??? Whilst she was recovering from an op. Yeah it may be true she might have been being really lazy and not doing stuff and you were knackered but you basically used your weeks break to allow you not to worry about looking after her to shall I say it again FUCK someone else . Cmon the fact that she didn't leave you permanently and never look back suggests she has tried and you may have to but this relationship is not salvageable.

You have to chalk this up to being an idiot give yourself a shake. Maybe get some counselling and then when you are ready move on. She may always be the one that got away but you can fall in love and hopefully treat the next person with a bit more respect and care.

Oh btw I'm not saying this just cause you are a bloke it's actually irrelevant. Good luck healing and moving on you both sound like you need it.

It is almost worse that you describe cheating on her as something meaningless. You ruined her trust for nothing. You could have had a wank if the woman meant nothing to you. You put her sexual health at risk for what? I am sorry that you are hurting and you are emotionally stuck, but you need to accept that it is over, spend some time thinking about what type of relationship you want with someone and move on.

It strikes me you are concentrating on the cheating, but if you ever contemplate a really long term relationship, I think you need to learn to deal with your partner’s illness better. You are obviously still resentful of the fact that she rested after an operation. She was probably told to rest and doing so would massively improve healing and probably mean she would recover more quickly.

It’s taken years for my husband to learn to deal with it when I’m genuinely ill and he has made me very unhappy many times. I know you were working long hours, but I’m sure buying a takeaway and washing up for two wouldn’t take much longer than looking after yourself.

If she expected you to do masses of cleaning, then she was unreasonable. If she just expected you to give basic care and you didn’t, then you didn’t really care for her very much. How you deal when things aren’t going well is a genuine demonstration of the strength of your love.

I think you are looking at this relationship through rose tinted spectacles. It can't have been that great if when she needed your help you thought she was malingering, and despite your long working hours you had the energy to find a random other woman to have sex with during her one week absence. There doesn't seem to have been much trust in each other's sincerity going on there well before you did something so stupid. And I'm afraid your actions would be a deal breaker for a lot of people - you seem to have been very immature, and the first time the chips were down, you let her down spectacularly. It's how people behave at times of crisis that defines their relationship and you showed yourself to be a fair weather boyfriend. This doesn't mean you have lost your one and only chance at a successful lifetime relationship with someone - just not this woman.

She just couldn't get past what you did to her and your relationship. She was in a vulnerable place and you cheated. She could never trust you after that. Your way of dealing with her when she was vulnerable was to betray her.

I hope you never do that to anyone again. It's not worth it.

Allow her the dignity and space she needs in order to move on.
You need to move on as well. It's sad but it's life.

You are a 'man' who has repeatedly sunk his dick into women whilst in a relationship with other women.
Maybe she couldn't tell if she was one of the ones you did or didn't give a shit about.

I am male. You didn't need to clarify, the length of self-pitying twaddle made it obvious.

Your complete selfishness after her operation stands out, and makes the next part of the sorry tale all too predictable.

Yes it's tiring working long days then coming home to domestic and caring duties but that's the reality for many.

It's a good thing she saw your true colours before having children with you.

No one made you cheat. It was a choice you made. Move on

Once you cheat something gets broken beyond repair.
Sounds like she tried but couldn't get past it.
You're reaping what you sowed.

Then, in January she had an operation on her leg and a month off work to recover. At the time I was working 14 hour days. I tried to help as much as I could I really did, but I just didn't have the energy to come back after that much work and then cook/clean/look after her.

Boo hoo, as someone who regularly works very physical 14 hour days , it is actually possible to come home and cook and clean for your loved one who has been in hospital, many people do it long term and look after children as well. You write it like we are supposed to feel sorry for you instead of for her. You didnt accidentally have sex, you made an active decision whilst your girlfriend was recovering from an operation to cheat on her because you felt you "started to resent her because I felt she could have been doing some of this stuff herself as she was simply spending all day watching TV"

In fact your whole post (apart from the 2nd paragraph where you boastfully inform us of how great a partner you are ) reads like you feel like in some way like you are the victim in this scenario, that boo hoo her parents didnt like you because you cheated on their daughter, boohoo you had to work long hours and couldnt look after your sick girlfriend, boo hoo her mum didnt like you because you werent looking after your girlfriend, boo hoo your girlfriend went home to be looked after, boo hoo you fell into another womans vagina, boo hoo your cheating caused conflict in your girlfriends relationship with her parents that impacted you.

Good for her finishing with you. You sound like a self absorbed drama queen who is now posting on a mainly womans forum looking for validation and words of comfort.

If you were annoyed because she was recovering from an operation, I wonder how patient you'd have been if she'd developed a serious illness, or struggled during pregnancy. I wonder how you'd have coped with getting up all night with a newborn. I suspect the cheating was the last straw, but she had already realised that you weren't great to have around when circumstances got difficult.

IMO it was never going to work out. When she most needed you, you weren't able to go that extra mile. I get that you were exhausted but this level of tiredness reminds me of how tired you are as a parent having to look after kids, work, keep house and still hold a relationship together. You just have to crack on with it! You bailed when the going got tough and maybe this and the obvious cheating scared your girlfriend off.

That said, you are where you are now. If you've learned anything from this then this is a good thing. Your broken heart will gradually heal in time and you'll move on.

You are really full of excuses for your actions. I hope your ex finds someone more caring, loyal and loving.

Bold: You cheated, you betrayed her in the worst possible way. This is the consequence.

I absolutely did betray her, but I am adamantly against the idea that there is only one allowable response to such an act. If I've cheated multiple times with multiple girls, or even had a close emotional relationship even with no physicality I would absolutely agree with you. I made a mistake. People do that and can get better because of them. But, lets say 1 girl dates 10 guys sequentially and all 10 cheat on her so she breaks up with them. Some of those 10 would never have learnt, but some of those 10 learn their lesson and don't make the same mistake with other women; but how does that help the original girl?

She slept with another guy during the two weeks she was away from the flat. I was perfectly willing to forgive that. She has also cheated on someone in the past.

Bold: You cheated because you were unhappy

I really wasn't. I would be very hard pressed to tell you why I did it. But I was very happy.

Bold: Finally, please don't exacerbate what you've put your ex girlfriend through by the added discourteousy of deciding she doesn't think and feel what she claims to think and feel.

I have another ex girlfriend that I remain friends with who is one of the few female friends I have discussed this with. Shortly after we broke up many years ago she started dating a safe, secure and ultimately very boring man. The relationship lasted 6 months or so before she realised what it was and broke it off before trying to get me back. This is not my analysis of the past or current situation, but exactly what she has told me. There are parallels.

Bold: You cheated, this is your punishment. Deal with it.

Some cheaters deserve the punishment. I have read another thread on here where a woman is considering staying with a guy who has cheated on her multiple times and is texting the other woman whilst in bed with her. The guy in that situation deserves everything he gets. I am not that guy.

Bold: Like your gf I tried to forgive him and knew he was genuinely sorry but I couldn't trust him, and what we had together no longer felt special or magical.

I understand trust needs to be rebuilt. I have offered her everything in order for that to happen. I offered to have an app installed on my phone that would give her complete access. Obviously, long term this wouldn't be viable, but I was willing to be completely transparent for a considerable period of time until she trusted me again.

Bold: Be honest with yourself. If she took you back, you'd never respect her in the same way.

I disagree. I think it takes more strength to forgive and work through tough times than walk away.

Bold: So when she needed you, you didn't take a bit of time out from your job or get a cleaner in, you made it so she had to go to her parents for support and then you end up with another girl.

Absolutely not. I did both actually, but it wasn't enough. And the reason I work 14 hour days wasn't because I loved my job, it was to earn enough to provide a good future for us.

Bold: You didn't want to live in the place she did, and though you forced yourself too you've counted it as a favour for her that she owes you for; you physically couldn't care for her when she needed you - you could do romance and sex but those are just small things.

I have never counted it as a favour to her. It was a temporary thing for her to improve her career prospects so that then we would both have better options in the future. Making a decision as a couple for the benefit of both of you is part of a relationship. Was I supposed to quit my job in order to care for her? I'd loved to have done that, but unfortunately I live in the real world where bills exist. I cut back and did everything that I could.

Bold: Are you in love with the idea of her, but not her? You cheated for a reason

I have friends who are married who have cheated on their wives multiple times. I have, in my youth, cheated (to a less serious extent I must add) because I was unhappy and lacked the maturity to end the relationship. I have the opportunity to cheat on her prior to this when girls have paid me attention and I have said no. I'm not saying that expecting credit for it; but just to show that me being unhappy was not the cause here.

Bold: If my partner after 5 years did this, I would have a hell of a lot of questions and I would not be very forgiving!

Obviously she had a lot of questions and I was blunt and answered them all. In heinsight, I am not sure that was a wise move as it may have made things worse rather than better.

Bold: But it sounds like you’re still young-ish(?).

Early thirties. I don't think its terrible to refer to a female younger than me as a 'girl.'

Bold: I really hope your ex isn't on mumsnet and this is a way of trying to reassert control over her. Leave her alone.

Given the above, that is highly doubtful. I wouldn't have posted here if I thought there was any way this would get back to her.

Bold: If she really was the love of your life then you wouldn’t have cheated. You just wouldn’t. There is nothing in this world that could persuade me to cheat on my husband.

I did not fully appreciate the consequences before I did it.

Bold: It is almost worse that you describe cheating on her as something meaningless. You ruined her trust for nothing.

I agree that I ruined her trust for nothing, But I don't think it would have been 'better' if I was having a 6 month affair and planning on running off with my secretary either.

Bold: You are obviously still resentful of the fact that she rested after an operation. She was probably told to rest and doing so would massively improve healing and probably mean she would recover more quickly.

Absolutely not! I completely understand the need for her to be rested and to heal properly. But if someone can't cook for themselves then it was not just making dinner and a bit of tidying, but breakfast, lunch and snacks too. This is ridiculously petty now, and if I could just do it I would... but my argument at the time was that she should be capable of making a sandwich herself.

Bold: And I'm afraid your actions would be a deal breaker for a lot of people - you seem to have been very immature, and the first time the chips were down, you let her down spectacularly.

This is by far not the first time the chips were down in or relationship because of events outside our control. I can't describe every event over the 5 years, but I gave her plenty of support when it mattered.

Bold: You write it like we are supposed to feel sorry for you instead of for her.

No, I know what I did was wrong. But it doesn't stop me regretting it.

Bold: you feel like in some way like you are the victim in this scenario

Victim: a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. Life isn't black and white and there isn't always a victim and a perpetrator.

Bold: You sound like a self absorbed drama queen who is now posting on a mainly womans forum looking for validation and words of comfort

I'm sorry someone cheated on you. I am not that person. I posted here because, if it isnt obvious, I can't discuss with this my male friends. And even if I could, I believed the feedback here would be far superior to anything they could offer unfortunately.

If you were annoyed because she was recovering from an operation, I wonder how patient you'd have been if she'd developed a serious illness, or struggled during pregnancy. I wonder how you'd have coped with getting up all night with a newborn. I suspect the cheating was the last straw, but she had already realised that you weren't great to have around when circumstances got difficult.

She always used to moan at me because I hadn't done something in particular. This is something that takes at least 50 hours to do. Within 4 weeks of her moving out, I had done it. She cried and kissed me when I told her about this because it was such a big thing for her. I am capable of change.