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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated and have lost everything I ever wanted

173 replies

Gatsby86 · 26/12/2017 22:34

I am male. I didn't really know where to go on the internet to post this. A normal response on a male orientated forum is 'man up' or 'have sex with 10 others and then come back,' whereas female orientated forums assume I am the devil incarnate; and I really don't think that is true.

5 years ago I met a truly amazing girl; completely not what I would have said I was looking for in a woman, but I knew as soon as I met her that she was what I wanted. We lived together for 3 years and the idea of marriage and kids were regularly discussed. We were great together; I can count on one hand the number of disagreements we had and we made each other better people. I got a job in and moved to London despite really not being a fan of the place because she could advance her career better there. For her birthday, I spoke to her boss and arranged time to be booked off from her job and surprised her by taking her away to Verona and Venice.

On NYE last year, she did something that really hurt me. Then, in January she had an operation on her leg and a month off work to recover. At the time I was working 14 hour days. I tried to help as much as I could I really did, but I just didn't have the energy to come back after that much work and then cook/clean/look after her. I started to resent her because I felt she could have been doing some of this stuff herself as she was simply spending all day watching TV. Her mum then criticised me for not looking after her and so she decided to go home for a week where her parents could look after her. I am not saying all this to negate what I did, I am simply trying to explain how I ended up where I did. During the week that she was away, I had sex with another girl. It was a completely one off event, not enjoyable, and I am mortified that I did it; but a week later she found a message on my phone and asked me about, so I told her. I can honestly say it was a mistake that I would give anything to take it back. I adore this woman.

She left that night and stayed at a friends house. We talked for a few hours the next night, both of us in tears. And then, she told her parents. I have not spoken to them since, but her words were that they told her if she stayed with me that they would cut her off, that she wasn't thinking straight, that forgiving me would make her 'morally bankrupt' and that I am not the type of man they would give her away too. However, things largely continued as they were and it seemed she was trying to forgive me. We remained living together, we would do couples things together as normal, even sex. Every 3-4 weeks she would go home to her parents and come back in bits from them ranting at her all weekend. Apparently, the fact they spent all weekend shouting at her was all my fault. I tried to remain impartial and avoid criticising them; I wanted her to choose me rather than be manipulated in to it. But inside I was seething.

Then one day in May she told me she was leaving the flat. I was devastated and completely broke down when I saw she had moved all her stuff out. 2 weeks later, we started talking again. We agreed to date and see where things went. She said she didn't know what she wanted and I found it very hard to date her as a normal person which put a ridiculous strain on the whole thing I think. We both had a holiday period in August, she told me she loved me before we parted but then afterwards said that she doesn't want 'us' anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt but to no avail. There's plenty more stuff left unsaid in this account, but this is already becoming a novella...

She has told me that shes moved on, but how you move on from a 5 year relationship in a couple of months I don't know. She has told me that her life is better without any reminders of what happened, so I feel she is partly just trying to bury and forget what happened, rather than 'move on'. It irks me that part of her rationale was 'what would other people be thinking if we were to get married,' as if other peoples opinions should matter if we are happy. She has been seeing someone else but, for a couple of reasons, I think it is just a rebound relationship in order to improve her confidence with someone she feels better than.

I've tried to move on and have dated other women over the last few months, but none of them make me feel how she made me feel. To be honest, I don't think anyone else ever will. Its been 4 months now and I hurt so much. I sat for hours in a public park crying last week and its not the first time that's happened. I regularly burst in to tears at work, on the train or when at home. My friends are mostly guys, so I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to. Most of all, it is driving me absolutely insane knowing that I didn't lose her because of some external uncontrollable reason but because of something that I did, that was completely meaningless. I know that what I did was vile, believe me I hate myself for it, and I would give anything to undo it.

OP posts:
AFistfulOfDolores · 27/12/2017 00:36

Every single comment you make above is a rebuttal. Every one.

Your motive is unclear, but it is not about getting feedback, or you'd take it on.

Straycatblue · 27/12/2017 00:38

I'm sorry someone cheated on you. I am not that person. I posted here because, if it isnt obvious, I can't discuss with this my male friends. And even if I could, I believed the feedback here would be far superior to anything they could offer unfortunately.

Em, I didnt say You sound like a self absorbed drama queen who is now posting on a mainly womans forum looking for validation and words of comfort because Im bitter that someone has cheated on me in the past, I said it because you do in fact sound like a self absorbed drama queen who is now posting on a mainly womans forum looking for validation and words of comfort. Hope that helps to clarify. Smile

Also your most recent giant paragraph explaining how you are not at fault just proves that you arent actually interested in any of our opinions unless we tell you that you are not in the wrong. No wonder you got dumped.
BooHoo.

mummwest · 27/12/2017 00:38

You are just going to have to accept that it's over and begin to move on. I personally could never take back a cheating partner (even if I genuinely believed they were sorry and truly regretted it and it was a one night stand) because although I forgive very easily and I could let the anger etc. go it would kill me inside every time I thought about it and i'd always have to deal with the sadness, it could never be the same for me. It would never be the relationship I wanted. That's really all you can offer her now, a relationship where she will be reminded of this and feel sad or hurt or angry or whatever her dominant emotions are on it whenever it comes to her mind, if you loved her you'd respect her decision to not want to be in this relationship.

You'll drive yourself crazy analysing her new relationship or how she moved on so quick or what she's really thinking and so on, you just have to accept her decision.

You are clearly not ready to date which is why it's not working out, give yourself time to heal and leave your ex alone and accept her decision.

Straycatblue · 27/12/2017 00:41

Also you are either

  1. a troll who is trying to wind us up

or

  1. a self absorbed drama queen who is now posting on a mainly womans forum looking for validation and words of comfort

Either way, we shouldnt be feeding you after midnight.

DoctorTwo · 27/12/2017 00:43

You need to get over yourself and realise that she can do better. Given time, and space away from you, she will.

Insomnibrat · 27/12/2017 00:46

Something about your response makes me skin crawl.

Leave this poor woman alone and disappear. You've made your bed.

DailyMailisRubbish · 27/12/2017 00:46

I agree she was most likely slowly fading out from the relationship. When you cheated on her the love she had for you became terminal. She tried to see if she could make it work but for some people (like me) once the trust has gone it has gone. There may be a confusing period of what they call hysterical bonding but don’t let that fool you. Once the shock had worn off (and the hysterical bonding) the acceptance and strength comes and that is when you find yourself cut off. She is now stronger and moving on I suggest you do the same.

Diddles22 · 27/12/2017 00:50

Please leave her alone. She doesn’t want you. And yes you deserve consequences for cheating, you clearly don’t love her or you wouldn’t cheat. Your most recent posts actually make me feel sick.

Original poster
Gatsby86 · 27/12/2017 00:51

*Every single comment you make above is a rebuttal. Every one.

Your motive is unclear, but it is not about getting feedback, or you'd take it on.*

Not every one. And yes, when people make responses about a 5 year relationship based on ~300 words there are going to be misconceptions which I tried to correct.

I'll point out that I haven't attempted to disagree with what I think is the most important point of most posts.

Em, I didnt say You sound like a self absorbed drama queen who is now posting on a mainly womans forum looking for validation and words of comfort because Im bitter that someone has cheated on me in the past

You didn't have to. I'm assuming its the only way someone could be so callous. If I'm wrong and you're just like that normally you can take it as a win for you I guess.

OP posts:
Diddles22 · 27/12/2017 00:55

You’re really not helping yourself

Rainbowmother · 27/12/2017 00:55

You're grieving and I don't think you've realised that. It's worth researching the 7 stages and maybe a life coach / counsellor who can now suggest practical ways for you to move on, cope / feel hopeful again. Good luck

Coolaschmoola · 27/12/2017 00:56

'...a mistake...'

Last time I checked it's not possible to mistakenly insert a penis into a vagina. There is a series of events which lead to that point - a series of events you could have stopped at any time. You actively CHOSE to do it, and you actively made that choice at every stage that led to your sticking your penis in the other woman's vagina - repeatedly. At no point did you CHOOSE to stop yourself.

Seriously, own your shit! Take responsibility. It wasn't a 'mistake' - that's a poor excuse - it was a choice and now you're all butthurt because it had consequences. Well that's what happens when you CHOOSE to cheat.

Your last post was a series of excuses and claims of a 'mistake'. The thing is - there is NO excuse for what you did and you really need to realise that your pity party for one is a bit ridiculous when the situation is entirely your fault.

Hobbes8 · 27/12/2017 00:56

"Every single comment you make is a rebuttal"

"Not every one"

Seriously?! You're rebutting the rebuttal comment?

Finderscrispy · 27/12/2017 00:56

What is it that you want people on here to tell you. How to get her back ?

The basics are you cheated, that fucked up the relationship and she is trying to rebuild her life. She's moving on and that's what you should be doing.

If you loved her as much as you say, you'd let her get on with it. I'm not sure what is worse, the actual cheating or the effrontery of trying to get back with someone that you have betrayed.

I would suggest that you explore your behaviour, save inflicting it on another. The best you have come up with so far is that you where pissed at her for being lazy, whilst you where working long hours. Do you generally go out and shag people if you get upset, do you think that's a valid response to something you perceive as unfair ?

I suggest that you read some of the posts on the thread below to give you an idea of the long term emotional damage caused by cheating.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3121531-How-do-you-get-over-betrayal

You need to deal with the fact the relationship has now ended. So do the usual stuff that people do when relationships end - mourn, play sad songs, take up some new hobbies to keep you occupied, work on yourself (self help books, counselling) But leave her to get on with her life.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2017 00:58

Life is too short for regrets. You did what you did.... she is unable to forgive you. That is her right.

What father wants to walk his daughter down the aisle to a man who has demonstrated he can't be faithful?

You cannot blame her parents. You need to look at the positives in your life and learn from what you did.

I don't cast judgement so easy. .. but I know forgiving and moving forward isn't always possible.

Forgive yourself and move on. There are many good women out there... do not let this define you as a person. Be grateful for good health and move on.

Coolaschmoola · 27/12/2017 00:59

There's a world of difference between grieving and feeling sorry for yourself...

Coolaschmoola · 27/12/2017 01:03

'I absolutely did betray her, but I am adamantly against the idea that there is only one allowable response to such an act.'

Don't you see? It doesn't MATTER how many 'allowable responses' you think there should be to what you did. THIS is the response she has chosen - she has the right to choose how she wants to respond to the choice you made. Suck it up.

aftertheevent · 27/12/2017 01:03

You are delusional. You think you have an answer to everything which shows how immature you are.
It is your fault and you are now paying the price. Move on and learn by your mistakes.....even though according to you a meaningless shag should be forgiven and seen as such. Wow.

Mylady · 27/12/2017 01:08

Dear God you are a self justifing twat - you cheated - she left you - your choice begat her choice - get over it.

RandyMarsh · 27/12/2017 01:18

She's just not that into you. She might've dumped you even if you hadn't shagged someone else.

Accept and move on.

DoctorTwo · 27/12/2017 01:26

You, like Prize Moron, are a vacuous cockend.

EddyF · 27/12/2017 01:30

I think a lot of posters are projecting op. Many women on this board have been cheated on so it's like opening wounds again. I actually feel veey sorry for you and I think you should go to the GP. No point getting ill about this. What is done is done. Plus she cheated as well. The relationship, you will see when time has passed, wasn't right.

Forgive yourself and just heal. Heartbreak is a killer and most people have gone through it. You will get to the other side. Just one day at a time. It won't feel like this forever.

EddyF · 27/12/2017 01:32

There's always a 'tone' on this forum when a male posts. It's so offputting. Nobody is perfect. People fuck up. Men and women.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/12/2017 01:33

You seem to think that you deserve a second chance because you're sorry; and cheating can be forgiven.

It can; absolutely. But it doesn't have to be; and I'd never forgive it. She tried, and couldn't. Some people try and can; some people will accept it for whatever reason.

What matters here is not your idea of what should happen if you cheat. It's that she doesn't want to be with you because you did cheat. That's all there is to it.

TheStoic · 27/12/2017 01:37

I hope you’re not still contacting her.