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Original poster

I cheated and have lost everything I ever wanted

173 replies

Gatsby86 · 26/12/2017 22:34

I am male. I didn't really know where to go on the internet to post this. A normal response on a male orientated forum is 'man up' or 'have sex with 10 others and then come back,' whereas female orientated forums assume I am the devil incarnate; and I really don't think that is true.

5 years ago I met a truly amazing girl; completely not what I would have said I was looking for in a woman, but I knew as soon as I met her that she was what I wanted. We lived together for 3 years and the idea of marriage and kids were regularly discussed. We were great together; I can count on one hand the number of disagreements we had and we made each other better people. I got a job in and moved to London despite really not being a fan of the place because she could advance her career better there. For her birthday, I spoke to her boss and arranged time to be booked off from her job and surprised her by taking her away to Verona and Venice.

On NYE last year, she did something that really hurt me. Then, in January she had an operation on her leg and a month off work to recover. At the time I was working 14 hour days. I tried to help as much as I could I really did, but I just didn't have the energy to come back after that much work and then cook/clean/look after her. I started to resent her because I felt she could have been doing some of this stuff herself as she was simply spending all day watching TV. Her mum then criticised me for not looking after her and so she decided to go home for a week where her parents could look after her. I am not saying all this to negate what I did, I am simply trying to explain how I ended up where I did. During the week that she was away, I had sex with another girl. It was a completely one off event, not enjoyable, and I am mortified that I did it; but a week later she found a message on my phone and asked me about, so I told her. I can honestly say it was a mistake that I would give anything to take it back. I adore this woman.

She left that night and stayed at a friends house. We talked for a few hours the next night, both of us in tears. And then, she told her parents. I have not spoken to them since, but her words were that they told her if she stayed with me that they would cut her off, that she wasn't thinking straight, that forgiving me would make her 'morally bankrupt' and that I am not the type of man they would give her away too. However, things largely continued as they were and it seemed she was trying to forgive me. We remained living together, we would do couples things together as normal, even sex. Every 3-4 weeks she would go home to her parents and come back in bits from them ranting at her all weekend. Apparently, the fact they spent all weekend shouting at her was all my fault. I tried to remain impartial and avoid criticising them; I wanted her to choose me rather than be manipulated in to it. But inside I was seething.

Then one day in May she told me she was leaving the flat. I was devastated and completely broke down when I saw she had moved all her stuff out. 2 weeks later, we started talking again. We agreed to date and see where things went. She said she didn't know what she wanted and I found it very hard to date her as a normal person which put a ridiculous strain on the whole thing I think. We both had a holiday period in August, she told me she loved me before we parted but then afterwards said that she doesn't want 'us' anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt but to no avail. There's plenty more stuff left unsaid in this account, but this is already becoming a novella...

She has told me that shes moved on, but how you move on from a 5 year relationship in a couple of months I don't know. She has told me that her life is better without any reminders of what happened, so I feel she is partly just trying to bury and forget what happened, rather than 'move on'. It irks me that part of her rationale was 'what would other people be thinking if we were to get married,' as if other peoples opinions should matter if we are happy. She has been seeing someone else but, for a couple of reasons, I think it is just a rebound relationship in order to improve her confidence with someone she feels better than.

I've tried to move on and have dated other women over the last few months, but none of them make me feel how she made me feel. To be honest, I don't think anyone else ever will. Its been 4 months now and I hurt so much. I sat for hours in a public park crying last week and its not the first time that's happened. I regularly burst in to tears at work, on the train or when at home. My friends are mostly guys, so I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to. Most of all, it is driving me absolutely insane knowing that I didn't lose her because of some external uncontrollable reason but because of something that I did, that was completely meaningless. I know that what I did was vile, believe me I hate myself for it, and I would give anything to undo it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2017 05:15

I have another ex girlfriend that I remain friends with who is one of the few female friends I have discussed this with. Shortly after we broke up many years ago she started dating a safe, secure and ultimately very boring man. The relationship lasted 6 months or so before she realised what it was and broke it off before trying to get me back. This is not my analysis of the past or current situation, but exactly what she has told me. There are parallels.

Some scientists are now saying that women are individuals. And can make different decisions from each other. Mind-blowing, I know!

Faking · 27/12/2017 05:26

You need to accept that the woman you love no longer wants to be with you.

The same way that she had to accept that the man she loved, who fucked another woman behind her back, showed by his actions that he could not have wanted to be with her.

Maybe next time when you feel that a woman isn't pulling her 'weight', you may think twice about sticking your penis in another woman, because, as you know, it doesn't help a relationship in any way, does it? Hmm

Good for her, she knows her worth. If only I'd been as strong as her. And absolutely her family should be there for her.

HTH

Faking · 27/12/2017 05:37

Suggest you stop reading this feminazi nonsense. I’m not condoning what you did but the tone of this thread is horrible. Good luck to you. Hope you are ok

^ Not This

OP, you should take stock of what has been said to you. You want posters to validate you and excuse you for your adulterous ways. Move on and be a better person in future.

Crowdo · 27/12/2017 05:50

You're never going to get her back. You don't deserve her. Move on.

Her emotions may seem extraordinary to you, but they make perfect sense to every person replying to you. She just doesn't want you anymore after you cheated because you destroyed the relationship. You're tying yourself in knots trying to avoid a very simple fact.

DoctorTwo · 27/12/2017 06:40

Suggest you stop reading this feminazi nonsense

Roffle. So a man putting his dick into a woman who isn't his partner, gets dumped, whines about and has his arse handed to him is a victim of 'feminazis'? Wow.

Isetan · 27/12/2017 07:41

If you chose to forgive her indiscretions doesn’t mean that she has to forgive yours.

What screams out from your posts is that you don’t think she’s entitled to her feelings and that you are entitled to a second chance. She doesn’t owe you a relationship. You rolled the dice when you cheated and you lost, deal with it and move on.

The truth is neither of you sound particularly mature and maybe it’s best that you do your growing up apart.

C0untDucku1a · 27/12/2017 07:50

Serious question. How many other women do you think you should have been allowed to have sex with before getting dumped?

PNGirl · 27/12/2017 08:26

Perhaps the response to your entitled protestations here should give you an indication that your ex is correct in thinking she would be called an idiot to marry you.

Also, you keep going on about 5 years as if it's some epic relationship she'll need years to get over. I was with my ex for 3.5 years and I barely remember his name because I immediately met my now husband. I'm sure 14 years ago my ex thought I was on the rebound too.

princesssparkle1 · 27/12/2017 08:33

You're not the devil incarnate, I agree. But you have cheated and your partner has chosen to leave you. Don't lose any more of your dignity, is my advice. Move on and learn from this.

Anymajordude · 27/12/2017 08:36

OP you want answers and help analyzing what happened. You want to fix it but you can't. There really are no answers, the relationship is broken. There is nothing to be done but move on.

You are grieving for what you had which is understandable. Maybe the pain, self pity, blame etc are part of that process. You'll go through lot's of emotions on the way to healing. Don't be afraid to hurt and feel them, let them out and recognise them for what they are, grief working through. They will lessen and you will be stronger. Let her go and and get yourself feeling better. Learn from this sad episode.

Figgygal · 27/12/2017 08:40

So you both cheated? Lovely relationship there

She's dumped you and has moved on time for you too as well.

From how you've responded on this thread you obviously like trying to convince people of you or your views being right and want an opportunity to convince her she's wrong in moving on. You're not going to get that opportunity so just accept that

AnnaT45 · 27/12/2017 08:40

I think the fact you've both been unfaithful means that it's not meant to be. Yes, we all make mistakes but you have to accept that your actions have consequences and learn from it.

Smeaton · 27/12/2017 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainCabinets · 27/12/2017 08:42

What you did is unacceptable but I wonder if you'd get the same vicious responses from
MNers if you were a woman.

PNGirl · 27/12/2017 08:44

What an original post!

Yes, he would. Cheaters are not treated favourably on the Relationships board.

SassySausageSupper · 27/12/2017 08:48

From reading this comment: I have another ex girlfriend that I remain friends with who is one of the few female friends I have discussed this with. Shortly after we broke up many years ago she started dating a safe, secure and ultimately very boring man. The relationship lasted 6 months or so before she realised what it was and broke it off before trying to get me back. This is not my analysis of the past or current situation, but exactly what she has told me. There are parallels.

It sounds like you think all women are the same. You’re trying to control how your ex should feel about cheating on you. Can you imagine how she felt after her operation and needing your support and not getting it? If I was in her position, I’d have been considering ending it then anyway and then you went and cheated on her. Of course she doesn’t want to get back together with you. You’re upset because maybe a part of you realises you’re a bit of a shit person to have done this to her.

RebeccaBunch · 27/12/2017 08:50

i am adamantly against the idea that there is only one allowable response to such an act.

Good for you! You don't get to control how other people feel and react to your cheating though.

You were uncaring and mean to your gf when she was recovering from an op and needed some care and support. When she then sought out the support she needed you shagged someone else.

Sounds like you thought you " had one in the bag" after the NY incident.

I'd have dumped you too.

Stop wallowing op and move on.

Whinesalot · 27/12/2017 08:51

It sounds as if she would have worked on the relationship but at the end of the day her parents pressure had an effect. Now who knows whether their concern was justified or not, but you cheated and you are now suffering the consequence of that. If that is her decision you need to respect it and allow both of you to move on. Accept its over.

Anymajordude · 27/12/2017 08:53

I cheated and have lost everything I ever wanted

This is it in a nutshell really. The answer is as simple. Yes you did now move on.

WinchestersInATardis · 27/12/2017 08:53

Interestingly, the OP mentions several times how much he's hurting and why, and how much he regrets it and how much he's lost.
He doesn't mention how much it must have hurt his girlfriend and how much she has lost as the result of his actions.
This is the thing with cheaters. It's always about them and what they want. It's what leads to the cheating and it's what leads to the other party leaving them afterwards.
Even now, he wants her back and he wants her to rebuild trust but only because that's what he wants. If he truly loved her, he'd want her to be happy on her own terms, not his.
(Oh, and OP if you're 'seething' because her parents don't like you, try and figure out how you'd feel in their shoes. Would you be supportive of the boyfriend if your daughter had been cheated on? Thought not)

HamishBamish · 27/12/2017 08:54

You cheated and she decided she couldn't continue in the relationship and ended it. That's really all there is to say.

You need to move on and learn from your mistakes. Don't cheat.

RebeccaBunch · 27/12/2017 08:59

I don't think its terrible to refer to a female younger than me as a 'girl.'

Think again.

RebeccaBunch · 27/12/2017 09:03

The problem with cheating with someone who meant nothing, for no particular reason, when you didn't even reattach "want" to, and you don't even know why you did it is you sound pathetically powerless in the situation.

You deliberately did actions that destroyed your relationship, and you don't own them. So how can you possibly know it won't happen again.

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 09:33

Wait, she cheated too? This relationship was nothing more than a flimsy facade OP. A relationship with genuine love and commitment would never involved one or both or the parties fucking someone else. When you truly love someone, the knowledge of how hurt they'd be and what you'd stand to lose overrides any horniness that you're feeling in the moment. You're fighting for nothing. It's not worth having.

Interesting how you gloss over your infidelity though, quite a lot has to happen to lead up to fucking someone and you managed it in a week? What was it? One night stand you met in a club? An ex? A friend? Was it pre meditated?

Either way it's over and your ex has every right to walk away at any time she chooses for whatever reason she likes. One of the dangers of forgiving and staying with a cheat is knowing that often they're so selfish, if you did it back to them it'd be goodbye.

Also you need better friends if you can't talk to them about your feelings and personal problems. I know loads of men who can handle emotional talk and advice giving. Not all men are Neanderthals who'll slap you on the back, buy you a pint and tell you there are plenty more fish in the sea. Raise your standards.

AFistfulOfDolores · 27/12/2017 09:33

I'm one of the posters who has come in strongly on this. If I'm projecting, it's not about cheating: I've not experienced infidelity myself, and in fact I don't believe it's always an unforgivable transgression. (I'm in the Esther Perel camp of infidelity.)

However, there is something about the OP's tone that doesn't sit right with me. At all. It doesn't sound genuine; there is a conniving edge to it. This is my spidey sense, and I will stick with it.

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