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Original poster

How to interpret this email I received today

133 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:27

Hi everyone,

I have been a regular on here when I fell pregnant about 4 years ago after my daughters father walked out on me when I was pregnant. My daughters father asked me to have an abortion and at 38 that wasn’t a option. So I went it alone and now have a wonderful little girl. Her father left the country (always his plan before he met me) shortly after finding out of my pregnancy and we have never spoken since.

In September I had to contact her father for the first time since he left to ask for a full family health history due to something which came up recently. He replied with the info. So I thought I would ask if he wished to have any information about his daughter.

The day before Christmas he replied and said he would like to know her name, date of birth and see what she looks like. That he thinks of her often, so finding this out would mean a lot to him.

I sent the information, along with photos and a few bits about her personality.

He then replied back early this morning with the following message which I’m finding hard to interpret:

Thank you for email, Xis a really beautiful name and one that looks to befit all her attributes perfectly. Thank you so much for allowing me this insight into her life.

I don't have anymore questions at this moment, seeing her face and learning about X’s character has been very special and also quite overwhelming, she's very beautiful.

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too.

I would like my daughter to slowly develop some form of relationship with her father as I feel it’s important for her identity. I don’t know where he is based, but with modern technology it’s possible to keep in touch.

I can’t tell from his message if this is something he would like or is leaving it here for the time being and maybe will contact me when she is older? It’s not that clear. Like I said I would like my daughter to slowly build a relationship with her father if he was comfortable with it.

Thanks!

Cherry x

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 26/12/2017 18:31

He would like a relationship with his daughter but he doesn't want to worry or offend you in any way. He is leaving it to you to take the initiative as he knows he behaved badly in the past.

Angelf1sh · 26/12/2017 18:32

Sounds to me like he’s saying he’s got what he wants for now but in the future, when he’s ready, he’d like the option to drop into her life as he sees fit.

I guess it’s up to you whether you’re agreeable to that happening before she turns 18.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:35

You see you have both interpreted it differently, exactly how I have read it. It’s not clear if he has what he wants or he feels he can’t ask for more because he walked away.

I’m unsure if I should reply and see what he says.

OP posts:
mrssmith79 · 26/12/2017 18:38

It reads to me like he's being a melodramatic dickhead. I'd be tempted to reply telling him to cut the flowery bullshit and either opt in or do one. Is he contributing financially?

category12 · 26/12/2017 18:39

Well he's not exactly falling over himself to contribute to her life, is he? Of course your dd is going to know she has a father, you're scarcely going to tell her she was an immaculate conception, are you?

I don't think it would be helpful to her to have a romanticised version of him "thinking of her" in the long run. I wouldn't put barriers in the way of him staying in contact, but it's up to him, not her or you to "build a relationship". The ball is firmly in his court.

TwitterQueen1 · 26/12/2017 18:39

What do you want to do OP? And what do you think would be best for your DD?

Are you with someone now? And would it upset your partner if you allowed the father access? We never knew him so I'm not sure how valuable our take on this is. What does your gut tell you? That's probably the most reliable steer you'll get.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:40

No he isn’t. I felt it was easier going it alone.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 26/12/2017 18:43

Is English his first language?

IrritatedUser1960 · 26/12/2017 18:43

My father is european and left for italy before I was born.
I have zero interest in him or who he is, as far as I'm concerned he is just a sperm donor.
The things that make a dad are being there, remembering your birthday and providing for you. If they haven't done that why bother with them, you already know what kind of man they are and therefore not one I would care to spend any time with.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:45

I’ve worked hard to ensure my daughter is a happy, stable little girl. So I don’t want any of that to change. But I think it would be lovely for him to slowly become a part of her life, mainly so she has a firmer understanding of her identity. She may wonder what her father was like, what are his hobbies etc. He could answer these questions and maybe work up to meeting each other.

I think if he lived in the same country he may ask to see her. But he lives on the other side of the world so it’s not something which can happen easily.

OP posts:
Chaosofcalm · 26/12/2017 18:46

I read it as he got what he wanted and when she is older he wants you to tell her she has a dad who cares about her (but only enough to send 2 fucking emails and no money or support). Brackets my own.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:47

Irritateduser, thanks for your message. That is really good to hear. I’m only involving him as I feel it might help her in the future. Do you have a step father? I’m not with anyone at the moment, but dating so that all may change!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:48

Yes English is his first language

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 26/12/2017 18:48

Maybe ask him to commit to something then. A phone call a month, a few letters or photos and see how it goes? But he should be committed before it starts as it isn’t fair on her to start and stop when he’s had enough.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:50

Angel this would be great if he did this, but I think from going from zero to monitored phone calls (with me involved) would be one step too far for him 😆 I’m sure he hates me for having his child.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 26/12/2017 18:51

Can you ask him what he meant/had in mind?

category12 · 26/12/2017 18:53

A disinterested father is difficult to cope with.

So far, you suggested he might want to know something about his daughter. He didn't ask.

On being given the information he requested after prompting, he has no further questions.

I see politeness, I don't see curiosity or desire to get to know her.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:53

I could do I guess, I just don’t want to feel like I’m begging for him to be in his daughters life. I WANT him to be involved not for me to push him into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 26/12/2017 18:55

Thanks Category, that’s what I thought too. I asked if he had any other questions, and he didn’t. Surely if he was interested he would have asked lots and lots of questions.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHamster · 26/12/2017 18:57

I think it's polite and pleasant. I also think it leaves you in the driving seat. Think about what you want for her, but bear in mind he isn't exactly putting in any effort here.

seven201 · 26/12/2017 19:05

I think I'd reply with I won't tell her that (that his father thinks of her) yet as that would only get her hopes up. Say that if he does want to ever meet her etc to get in touch as you would be happy to help facilitate this. It's a confusing email!

Lily2007 · 26/12/2017 19:07

I would take that as he is offering to have the odd Skype or similar conversation with her. If you want to take him up on that I would maybe put some expectations around it like once a week or once a month. It sounds a bit half hearted but that maybe as he feels as he walked out he doesn't have the right to insist. Alternatively he maybe does what suits him at the time and may let her down. I would ask him to clarify then ask your daughter.

category12 · 26/12/2017 19:09

In your place, I would want him to be very actively seeking a relationship with her, rather than passive.

It's really destructive having someone come in and out of your life, picking you up and dropping you like a toy. If you try to manufacture a relationship between them, that's more likely how it will go. Tbh I think it's better for her for him to have rejected her in the womb, never even knowing her, than for him to potentially reject her/disappoint her now. When she's an adult she can pursue contact. While she's a child, I would leave it up to him to do the work. He needs to want to.

Parker231 · 26/12/2017 19:10

Is he prepared to contribute financially?

NotTheFordType · 26/12/2017 19:10

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too.

Not exactly falling over himself to get involved, is he?

I read this as "I want to feel better about my choices in life, so please tell my biological DD that I "think of her" often, but don't expect any actual financial, practical or emotional support. Really crossing my fingers you've found someone else so I can tell myself she's better off not knowing me!"