How to interpret this email I received today

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I have been a regular on here when I fell pregnant about 4 years ago after my daughters father walked out on me when I was pregnant. My daughters father asked me to have an abortion and at 38 that wasn’t a option. So I went it alone and now have a wonderful little girl. Her father left the country (always his plan before he met me) shortly after finding out of my pregnancy and we have never spoken since.

In September I had to contact her father for the first time since he left to ask for a full family health history due to something which came up recently. He replied with the info. So I thought I would ask if he wished to have any information about his daughter.

The day before Christmas he replied and said he would like to know her name, date of birth and see what she looks like. That he thinks of her often, so finding this out would mean a lot to him.

I sent the information, along with photos and a few bits about her personality.

He then replied back early this morning with the following message which I’m finding hard to interpret:

Thank you for email, Xis a really beautiful name and one that looks to befit all her attributes perfectly. Thank you so much for allowing me this insight into her life.

I don't have anymore questions at this moment, seeing her face and learning about X’s character has been very special and also quite overwhelming, she's very beautiful.

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too.

I would like my daughter to slowly develop some form of relationship with her father as I feel it’s important for her identity. I don’t know where he is based, but with modern technology it’s possible to keep in touch.

I can’t tell from his message if this is something he would like or is leaving it here for the time being and maybe will contact me when she is older? It’s not that clear. Like I said I would like my daughter to slowly build a relationship with her father if he was comfortable with it.

Thanks!

Cherry x

That's a really lovely idea! Thanks

The harm is that you don’t know this man at all really; what you know is that he left you to sort everything out yourself, while he got on with his life. But at the same time, your DD has a right to know both parents and if contact is safe, to have contact.

I think you are correctly thinking about this in terms of your DD’s best interests. She is three. He does have an opportunity to gradually be part of her life. I also think you are rightly exercising caution, because what you know of him so far is not reliable.

As I said above, I also think he has pitched his approach correctly in terms of the above. He may have been overwhelmed, but he has not overwhelmed you. IMO, it would be worse to have a set of demands from him because he is her dad and sees that as his right.

For the posters who have said about him not offering maintenance, how is he going to pitch that well, after three years, on a first proper contact? Besides maintenance, whilst useful, is the bare minimum and doesn’t really meet the costs of raising a child. Men should pay, yes, but it would be worse for OP if he was suddenly paying maintenance and demanding EOW or extended holiday contact, when the DD does not know him at all. I am not sure how that would help.

I think you are right to take it slowly and carefully. You have done a great job for your DD so far, you will continue to do so. Ideally, he will step up when he works out how the land lies. But I honestly think at this stage, him recognising that the ball is in your court is the best outcome for you and DD at the moment.

Iced Cocoa, thank you so much for your posts they echo exactly my thoughts. Everyone is so kind to take their time out to help me with this, thank you again. It’s incredibly helpful.

I’m definitely thinking to try and include him in her life but like I said before with letters/photos which I will only present to my DD when I feel she is ready. I’m not going to ask him what he wants, I’m going to tell him what he is getting (not a lot at this stage) and go from there. If he isn’t interested then he won’t hear from us until my daughter decides ‘if’ she ever wants to see him and I will support her through the process.

"It reads to me like I dont want anything to do with her or to provide for her bit i dont want to feel like a dick who abandoned their child so i will come out with some pointless flowery bollocks and feel better about myself."

Well yes. Harshly put, but yes. That's how it sounds. He could have asked you a question or sent a photo of himself but he didn't. I'd leave it alone.

My be interpretation is that he's a useless twat who only wants to have involvement that doesn't cost him money or effort. He also sounds wet.

I think your idea to test it out if he's reliable before showing her anything is a good idea. One thing that will be interesting to see is he now knows her birthday and will he do anything for it? Anyone who cared, who had approval for contact, would send a present and remember the date each year. If its really soon it maybe too quick this year but otherwise would say its a good indicator. If he does give a present I might just say its from x from country x rather than your Dad at this stage. I think you are a lovely Mum.

Thanks Lily 😊 I do try my best. I’m going to test the waters and give him one chance go prove himself. In this time frame my daughter will know no different. So no harm done. The longer I think about it the more I think this is the route I’m going to go down.

Thank you all xx

He has always been the type of person to send mixed messages

And he's still doing it isn't he. He contacted you out of the blue, then when you replied he took 3 months to reply. Sod that. I'd want to know why he's got in touch now, 4 years after abandoning you. What are his motives and what exactly does he want. My cynical streak says he was simply feeling curious (just like when we look on FB to see what out exes of years ago are doing) and one day it got the better of him so he contacted you. I think it's all about making himself feel better rather than being serious about your daughter. He's clearly not bothered enough to make a commitment, despite having all that time to think about it, so personally I'd ignore him and leave your daughter to build a relationship with him when she's adult, if she wants.

Apology’s for pulling this thread back up but I have drafted a letter I have written which I intend on sending back to my DD father. It’s so important I get it right and wanted to share it before I send it off.

I have thought a lot about the best thing for my DD, and come to the realisation there really isn’t an easy answer to this. I simply cannot try to give him one chance to prove himself (from a safe distance of course). Just so it’s clear, I have zero intention of showing any letters etc to my DD for some time and only once her father shows a level of commitment. The risk is too high of him hurting her. So I hope this letter spells out what is required of him. If he doesn’t step up, then to me the only reason he contacted me was out of curiosity and to just fill some void that he has over Christmas. I’ll know soon I guess and preparing myself for him to not want any involvement.

Here is the letter:

Thank you for your email. I do agree X is a very beautiful little girl.

After much thought and consideration, I feel it would be beneficial for X to have the opportunity to know her father. If you would like to gradually build up contact with your daughter, then I support this.

However, if you do not feel you are able to fulfil this commitment, then I think it would be best to wait until X is much older and she is able to decide for herself if she wishes to contact you.

Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Thoughts?

I have only read this quickly, apologies. I would say ‘build up contact through correspondence’ initially.

Or put nothing in writing without taking legal advice. You don’t need to tell him you have done that.

Or ask if he is visiting any time soon so you can discuss how best to take it forward. Basically think as if everything you write could be used against you in court. Not saying it will be, but be very, very sure before you commit words to paper and send.

Thanks Iced 😁 I’ll change that.

The risk is too high of him hurting her.

Got to this point and didn't read any further.

You know enough about this character (from his behaviour the first time he abandoned her) to know this to be accurate.

Dont put your DD in a situation where there is a high risk that anyone will hurt her.

Another I have no intention of doing this. But she has a right to know her father, done through the correct way. This email will very quickly show me his intention’s.

I read it as he wants to know on his terms. I'd be seething with him tbh

Maybe you could set up dd with an email address. That way he can be free to message her as and when he likes with snippets about his life. You can look at the emails and if and when dd is told about her father and if and when you feel she is able to handle more, she can read her emails.

Cherry did he have a way of contacting you, prior to your brother contacting him about the health stuff? Had you heard from him at all since he left the country?

Did he make any offer of financial support to you when you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy? Was he in a postion to do so at the time (ie earning a wage)? Did things end very acrimoniously between you?

Sorry for all the questions - am just trying to get more of a sense of the situation.

On first thought, his email to you sounds to me like he's trying to tread very carefully.

I think you are right to take the view it is in your DD’s best interests to have the opportunity to know her father.

You are also right to be as cautious as you can whilst letting him know the door is open.

None of this means he acted appropriately four years ago, but your DD has the opportunity hopefully to know who he has become and will become, ideally positively.

It is an either/or email, but in reality, he could say one thing and do another over time. But so can dads who are resident or local. I don’t think you can or will be able to know his intentions, an indication of them maybe, but only time will tell. I think what you are sending is judged okay for the situation now. But I am not sure it will be a one stop and then you know, if that makes sense.

I really hope for you that he does build up contact slowly and at a pace which suits DD. This is what I would argue for in your position, if it comes to a discussion. Not based on what he has or has not done in the past, but on what you think would benefit DD now and going forward. I think if you are consistent with that, then that is the best you can do for DD.

Tatter, no he never offered anything. And no he didn’t contact me before my brother in law sent the initial message. But I don’t feel he thought he had the right to. So stayed away, and rightfully so. Nothing will excuse his behaviour, nothing. But leaving the country, his mother dying last year and the last four years away ‘may’ have wanted him to change, for my DD’s sake I have to give him the opportunity to start up contact (if he wants)

Iced, you really do speak sense - thank you. I do wholehearted agree with you. Let’s see what he replied back with...

Early this morning I received this message, looks like we read it right, my daughters father took the softly softly approach but did want to start up contact. I’m really happy for her, baby steps from now on.

Hi X

Thanks for supporting this notion as its something I've been thinking about for a while. I thought the best way to proceed would be to write X a letter with a simple description about me and my family, likes, interests, hobbies and some pictures to go with it.

I would also like to send her a card on her Birthday if thats ok, I think this is better than emails as they are then something tangible that she can keep.
If you could please send me an address to where you would like these sent I would be grateful.

I would also like to wish you both a happy and peaceful new year

all the best

Glad to hear you got a positive response albeit limited effort from him but its a step in the right direction and should allow you to test it first.

Baby steps, yes, but positive and in the right direction.

It would be worse if he was rushing in demanding contact without knowing DD; or if he was not caring.

This is a good outcome, a middle road. Slowly and hopefully consistently, one step at a time.

All the best to you all.

Thanks 😊 no I wouldn’t want him jumping in making lots of demands. I’m sure he recognises it’s got to down slowly. But I like that he is being open with information about his family and will send photos. This is a good positive step in the right direction.

Of course, I have absolutely no intention on showing my DD any of this until she is old enough to understand what this all means. He has a good few years to prove himself.

He made a massive decision in walking away. Personally I think a stupid one but people act in all sorts of inappropriate ways when in shock and faced with life changing events that don't fit in with their own plans.

I think he's now regretting walking away. He has a daughter and it's dawning on him he may never know her.

You are an admirable woman allowing this man your headspace in order to facilitate your ds knowing her dad.

It takes a generous hearted person to forgive and also takes a big person to admit they were wrong (your ex).

I wish you and ds all the best

Thank you 😊 I decided a long time ago that sometimes you have to be the better person in life. My DD’s long-term happiness is incredibly important to me. I feel her father needs the chance to prove himself worthy of being in her life. Only time will tell.

And in the meantime, I’ve started dating a wonderful man. He seems to be loving, kind and supportive of my role as a mother (he hasn’t met my DD yet) so maybe just maybe the outcome will be great for all of us one day 😊 I get a life partner, and my my daughter has a step dad and bio dad involved in her life. That would make be incredibly happy.

How was your relationship going with ex before the unexpected pregnancy? Was the chemistry there and could you have seen yourself with him longterm - or was it too soon to know that?

Any chance he is back in the UK again and you could pick up where you left off - or is there too much hurt for that?