How to interpret this email I received today

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I have been a regular on here when I fell pregnant about 4 years ago after my daughters father walked out on me when I was pregnant. My daughters father asked me to have an abortion and at 38 that wasn’t a option. So I went it alone and now have a wonderful little girl. Her father left the country (always his plan before he met me) shortly after finding out of my pregnancy and we have never spoken since.

In September I had to contact her father for the first time since he left to ask for a full family health history due to something which came up recently. He replied with the info. So I thought I would ask if he wished to have any information about his daughter.

The day before Christmas he replied and said he would like to know her name, date of birth and see what she looks like. That he thinks of her often, so finding this out would mean a lot to him.

I sent the information, along with photos and a few bits about her personality.

He then replied back early this morning with the following message which I’m finding hard to interpret:

Thank you for email, Xis a really beautiful name and one that looks to befit all her attributes perfectly. Thank you so much for allowing me this insight into her life.

I don't have anymore questions at this moment, seeing her face and learning about X’s character has been very special and also quite overwhelming, she's very beautiful.

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too.

I would like my daughter to slowly develop some form of relationship with her father as I feel it’s important for her identity. I don’t know where he is based, but with modern technology it’s possible to keep in touch.

I can’t tell from his message if this is something he would like or is leaving it here for the time being and maybe will contact me when she is older? It’s not that clear. Like I said I would like my daughter to slowly build a relationship with her father if he was comfortable with it.

Thanks!

Cherry x

He is trying to tread carefully, not offend, but keep all his options open. I notice that he isn't asking if you are okay for money so he doesn't sound desperate to be a part of her life. I think he doesn't want her to think badly of him though, and he doesn't realise that unless he contributes time, effort and money, she will inevitably think quite badly of him.
I understand why you would want to go it alone (I did the same) and this does give you a moral right to total control. My ds is 15 now and knows his father but expects nothing of him - I think that's the best outcome given the person his father is. Having a half-hearted father in her life would not be a good thing - he would "desert" her over and over again. So I think you should try to ascertain what he is willing to give reliably and long term, and what you would be happy to accept before allowing anything to develop.

I interpreted it the same as Not did tbh.

It's far too evasive for someone who really wants to start acting like a father.

It's a sort of get out jail free email - makes the right sort of noises but doesn't actually commit to anything tangible whatsoever.

I think he's treading carefully

He wants to be part of her life but not at the expense of stable arrangement (i.e. A stepfather)

He's testing the water on your current relationship status

I also think he is a bit taken back by her aged 4 as he's never had contact

What did you expect him to ask?

Can he send a few pics or a letter? Maybe some family photos for his family?

What do you want for her?

I think he is probably trying to initiate contact. Can’t you reply simply that she doesn’t have anyone to call dad (or she does, however, he’s her bio father) and asks him to clarify what he means.

What chaos and ford said.

Reads like 'wow I created a good looking baby, thank fuck she doesn't want money' and also to absolve any lingering guilt, he'd like you to let his dd know he does think about her but

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too.

It sounds to me as if he would like to develop a relationship with her now but that he's leaving the decision in your hands and will not push. It also sounds to me that he's saying that if she already has someone in her life that she considers to be her father, he won't rock that boat.

So I'd say it's up to you. But before I agreed to anything, I'd want to be damned sure that this isn't just some whim on his part and that he is committed to a permanent relationship with his child. Frankly, I'd start by telling him his first step would be to start paying maintenance. If he's serious, he'll do so. If it's a whim, he'll back right away.

To give a bit of background on our relationship we were together for only 5 months when I fell pregnant. Not that should change anything, we didn’t have to be together to co-parent. I accepted my responsibility it this but he never did. His argument was that we weren’t together long enough to have a child together so he had every right to walk away and leave the country.

He has always been the type of person to send mixed messages, so I’ve never found it easy to understand what he really meant.

You are helping me all look at things from different perspectives so thank you.

The first thing needs to be getting maintenance regardless of whether he has any part in her life in the future. No maintenance = no contact.

I don’t want him paying any maintenance at all. Simply put because I don’t want him to have a single bit of control over her life. He doesn’t deserve it. All I want is for them to have some regular contact, she turns 3 in a couple of months so she’s still very young. But a few of you have said to ensure he is committed and not to walk out of her life whenever it suits him. So this is something I need a lot of time to think about...maybe it’s better she knows nothing about it.

The thing is, because it can be read both ways you won't know what HE means by it unless you ask him. I'd just be pleasant but upfront about it: Lovely to hear from you, just wanted to clarify whether you mean this scenario or this scenario by your message (or something completely different!)

I would maybe say to him you are happy to him to have contact if he can commit to regular (insert desired timeframe such as weekly) contact. If he cannot commit to this you would prefer he doesn't have contact. See what he says and make your decision. Also longer he takes to reply the less interested he is.

Maybe reply something like "if you would like to be a presence in her life, I would enable that." Then leave it to him to come back with ideas.

If he doesn't, then let it go (inform him of any changes in contact details so the door is open) but as I said, I think he has to want contact. Your dd deserves to be wanted.

Good advice Badger and Lily - thank you. He received my email with photos etc and then one day later I received his response. I’m not sure if that’s an indication of his interest - or again just being polite.

I wouldn't suggest contact times or anything, let him initiate that sort of thing. He should do the work.

I was thinking that too Category.

What would I do without you lovely lot at Mn

What Not said.

He loved to hear/see about his dd but is not going to offer her or you anything tangible in the near future.

I would be very wary of pursuing this. Your daughters mental health is at risk here. You yourself has said he is very good at sending mixed messages. Your daughter could spend the rest of her life worrying and chasing after him, trying to win his approval if you let him back in. At 3 she’s going to hero worship him. Are you prepared for her to hero worship somebody who walked away and pays no interest and no money into supporting her? Why should he get all of the benefits with zero responsibility or hard work. He never even changed a nappy. He never even paid for a nappy!! I fail to understand what you think your daughter will get out of a relationship with this man. There a quote that says “he wasn’t born a father, he became one”. This guy hasn’t. He’s never done a late night. He absconded with not so much as a backward glance and now you are handing your extremely precious one to him on a platter!! He’s never going to become the Steve Martin father figure type in Hollywood movies. If you hadn’t initiated contact, he’d still be AWOL. If he was serious, he’d be saying “is there anything you or she needs. I’ve set up a bank account for her that I’ve been paying into since the day she was born. Let me transfer that to you” or something, anything...his email is polite, non commital and non intentional. Spend your energy and time meeting people who are genuine, loyal and interested.

Trojan, that did make me laugh!

The only thing that I will say, is that it took him almost three months to reply to my initial message asking if he wishes to have any information about our daughter. He himself said it’s taken him a long time to decide if it’s something he wanted. It feels like it was a bit deal for him to recieve these photos and create some sort of bond.

It doesn’t read to me that he wants a real-life connection with his daughter. His mention of possibly someone else to call Dad indicates that he’s not seeking to be a significant part of her life. Maybe you contacting him about his family health history has reminded him of the basic aspects of biology, namely that there’s a little child who has inherited some of his genes.

Perhaps suggest that he write her a letter. A proper letter, in his own handwriting, telling her about himself, and including a photo. You can read it to her and then keep it safe for when she’s older.

If he responds positively to that suggestion, you could suggest that he sends her a letter once a year.

In adoption/fostering cases, it’s called “letterbox contact” and is for the benefit of the child so that they don’t lose all connection with their biological family. But it doesn’t go any further than that – not until the child is old enough to decide, e.g. late teens at the earliest, and even then it needs careful handling. But that’s for the future.

Obviously, if there are concerns about him knowing your address or you knowing his address, you might have to figure out a way round that. He could write it, scan it, then email it. The point is that handwriting takes a lot more thought and effort; but handwriting sometimes gives a sense of the personality of the writer.

I would get a commitment out of him in detail otherwise he can appear and disappear as he likes and when she asks when will he be in touch you won't know. Also easier to cut it off if he starts not meeting what he promised. Its fine to leave how much contact he wants to him.

Having said that I have never been in this situation but I have found setting out terms with men at the start normally works and also you find out before you start if they are unreliable.

Thanks ChickenMum. I’ve worked incredibly hard to ensure my daughter is well provided for, is happy and stable. I don’t want him upsetting her or to cause any harm to her mental health. I just worried that by not trying to initiate anything with her father that she may turn around when she’s 18 and ask why I never contacted him.

Good advice from Kooshbin

Thanks guy 😊