How to interpret this email I received today

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I have been a regular on here when I fell pregnant about 4 years ago after my daughters father walked out on me when I was pregnant. My daughters father asked me to have an abortion and at 38 that wasn’t a option. So I went it alone and now have a wonderful little girl. Her father left the country (always his plan before he met me) shortly after finding out of my pregnancy and we have never spoken since.

In September I had to contact her father for the first time since he left to ask for a full family health history due to something which came up recently. He replied with the info. So I thought I would ask if he wished to have any information about his daughter.

The day before Christmas he replied and said he would like to know her name, date of birth and see what she looks like. That he thinks of her often, so finding this out would mean a lot to him.

I sent the information, along with photos and a few bits about her personality.

He then replied back early this morning with the following message which I’m finding hard to interpret:

Thank you for email, Xis a really beautiful name and one that looks to befit all her attributes perfectly. Thank you so much for allowing me this insight into her life.

I don't have anymore questions at this moment, seeing her face and learning about X’s character has been very special and also quite overwhelming, she's very beautiful.

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too.

I would like my daughter to slowly develop some form of relationship with her father as I feel it’s important for her identity. I don’t know where he is based, but with modern technology it’s possible to keep in touch.

I can’t tell from his message if this is something he would like or is leaving it here for the time being and maybe will contact me when she is older? It’s not that clear. Like I said I would like my daughter to slowly build a relationship with her father if he was comfortable with it.

Thanks!

Cherry x

You could do contact once a year, (a bit like with adopted children). You send a brief update with a photo or 2, he replies. It will keep a link going so if when your daughter is older you have at least kept contact details.

I think he may think I’m married because I asked my brother in law to send the very first message asking for the family health history. My brother in law has a double barrel surname (which includes mine) and my ex didn’t know my brother in laws name. I hope that makes sense. So he may think I’ve married someone (ie my brother in law!) Initially I didn’t want direct contact with my daughters father hence why I asked someone else to send the message.

What Kooshbun suggested :)

She's not adopted though. I don't think you can transfer techniques used for an adopted child to kids whose parents just walked away.

I think the letterbox idea could work very well. It keeps the door open but without you needing to have him actively in your DD's life. It is such little effort that if your ex can manage that for a few years perhaps his commitment to his dd might grow. I do agree with other pps though - he seems vaguely interested but not committed to the day to day work of parenting including time and money.

He isn't interested. Sorry to sound blunt but as someone who has a daughter with a father who isn't interested I am well experienced with this sort of thing...

Your daughter is 3 years old and he didn't have any questions to ask about her? That said it all for me. "I'm overwhelmed" with what exactly?! Give over. He sounds awful.

The first thing needs to be getting maintenance regardless of whether he has any part in her life in the future. No maintenance = no contact.

Please don't listen to this advice.
Whilst I fully agree that he should pay maintenance, from my own experience, you may find that your daughter may desperately want to meet him one day in the future, and that will be more important to her (and you) than any financial issues.
As irritating and unjust as that is, don't bring that into any discussion yet.
Why don't you ask him whether he envisages having any involvement in her life? You don't have to agree to anything straight away. Think it over carefully in your own time.
My advice fwiw is that if any contact does go ahead, that you don't give him too much too soon. Test him over a long period to make sure that he can keep up a commitment to dd over time. You can always increase it if he's a worthwhile and stable presence in her life, but it's more difficult to decrease it.

Eugh what a waste of space.

As a child with a half in and half out father, please don’t push for regular contact with this idiot.

I agree with the annual exchange of emails, and you can save the emails until she is old enough to read them and understand.

Not every person is capable of being a half decent parent, and he is definitely not that interested.

If you send pictures and an update each year and he does the same, you haven’t shut him out completely but neither have you exposed your daughter to a father who is not likely to be a good parent or even that interested in her life.

"With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too."

I read that as a willingness to be recognised as her Father, with an acknowledgement that he has not been in her life until now. That being said, he has an awareness that someone may have filled the void and has an established 'father' role, which he doesn't intend to disturb, and he wants to reassure you of that.

I think he is trying to be very diplomatic, but gently assuring you that he would like to develop some sort of relationship with his daughter.

Stop worrying so much about what he wants. My guess is he doesn't know himself. Instead think about what would be best for your dd.

My guess is that it would be good to be able to answer her future questions, who her dad is, where he lives and what he's like with a photo or two. Then if she wants contact you would have his contact details ready to approach him. So a light touch contact just to keep email addresses current and an occasional photo both ways seems appropriate until (if) your dd asks for more.

If you don’t want him to have control then don’t open the door. I don’t claim maintenance for similar reasons but I’ve made it clear that if he ever reappears I’d go after him financially, this will keep him away until DD is 18 and old enough to deal with a pathetic excuse for a human.

His email was non committal for a reason, it’s just enough so that on face value he doesn’t look like a arse but not enough to demonstrate interest beyond the superficial.

You are not the reason he isn’t a part of his daughter’s life, he is.

I think you will have to ask him what he wants and decide if you think this is a good idea for your DD.

What were your plans regarding what you'd tell your DD as she grows up? Perhaps you've already mentioned him if she's asked where her daddy is.

Also, another factor to consider is how much do you think changes in his future will affect your DD if he were to establish a relationship with her, such as if he goes on to marry and have other children? I think you'd need to clarify that with him. Also, what are his future plans regarding contact? I can't see a relationship that involves Skype happening over the next 20 years, surely he'd have to visit once in a while at least for there to be growth in the relationship. Saying that, I think every child should know where they come from.

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her.

I don't think he could have been clearer. He is careful not to put pressure on you, with the next line, but he very clearly wants some sort of contact if you are amenable. Just tell him what you would like to happen and give him some options.

She's not adopted though. I don't think you can transfer techniques used for an adopted child to kids whose parents just walked away.

Generally not, but this situation is very like adoption contact. His letter even reads like a contact letter- he obviously thought carefully about how to phrase it.

Build up the contact by email for now. Take it at a slow pace, that you are both comfy with.

I would reply to him that what the fuck kind of email was that.

The man isn't concerned about her. Hasn't asked about her in all these years. You really don't want a half hearted wishy washy father who makes his intentions unclear around your child. If you struggle to understand what he means and keeps giving mixed messages, then think how your poor daughter would cope with it .

I would tell him to just send a letter every few years with a few photographs so it'll be available to her in the future if she has any interest in her father.

When your child is old enough to ask, just be honest with her. You fell pregnant band hadn't been with her father long enough to make any commitment and he wasn't ready to be a father. But for you it was the best thing that could have happened and if she wants to learn about him or get in touch with him then that's absolutely fine. She may want to keep some kind of superficial contact through social media .

OP - this is your second post on this, although slightly differently written.
And your desire and hope for DD’s father one day waking up and acting like a father is pulpable.
So - you are grasping at straws here.
Don’t. I don’t think this movie has a happy ending.

I tell it to you as someone who grew up with a sporadic access to a father. I saw mine a few times a year. Sometimes once a year - around my birthday. He called occasionally.
It messes with a child’s head. Not in any observable way, necessarily. The impact is long term and lasting.
It took me weeks and hours of counselling as an adult to underage and untangle it all.

So - really - i’d leave it. Let this man be and do his thing. And if one day he wants to come and see his daughter - and explain to her why he hasn’t been around - it’s his choice.
I would - contrary to what others said - tell him that being a father means taking responsibility, including financial one too. And it’s up to him to decide which form that takes. And that doesn’t give him any control over DD’s life, btw.
(Incidentally - do his parents know they have a granddaughter???)

Good for you for making your life your own. And for dating, etc.
I hope you meet someone who’d Like to be a part of your and Dd’s life.

I’m not interested in what he thinks, I’m trying to do what’s best for my daughter. But I would hate to stop a potential relationship for her.

I’m going to take my time to decide what to do. But...what I’m thinking at the moment is:

I’m going to contact him in the new year and see if he would like to slowly have some form of relationship with his daughter. That we can work out a structured way in which they can have contact which can build over time if he proves to me that he will be able to commit to this (I’ll word it better!) but if he is unable to fulfil this commitment then I will cut all ties until she is 18 when she can decide for herself.

Just email back and get clarity on what he means rather than guessing.

Josuk not really, I’ve not had any contact with my ex in over 3 years so I disagree with me trying to push a relationship with my daughter. It’s just the door has opened slightly due to something unrelated and I’m deciding if I should pursue it any further. But the whole jumping in and out of her life is something I do not want.

I know this isn't what you asked - but I'd tell him to sod off. I will admit I have bias here - my own father exited my life at two years old and told me to go away when I tried to contact him in my twenties. This means i have an automatic loathing for men who disappear when they learn of pregnancy, and especially so when they think they can just waltz back into a child's life again.

OP - I didnt say you were pushinga relationship.
I said that your two posts read as you interpreting his responses in a certain way.
You previous post was named something like - ‘my ex woke up to being a father’ - or something to that extent.

All I am saying, don’t project and read too much into these short messages. Don’t get your hopes up.

Ask him directly if he wants to play a role and what that might look like.
But - be prepared to not get the response you are hoping for.

I feel he knows he's not entitled to s relationship due to his NC.

He's possibly recognising he can't waltz in now? That maybe that's too confusing and that when she asks about him he's happy for you to tell her about him and let them have some contact??

"With your blessing" indicates he knows it's really up to you two; he can't demand a relationship without her and you wanting it. (I think?!)

Ah ok I see what you’re saying Josuk 😊

Like another poster, I've never had any contact with my father and I've really never wanted any. I don't have any negative feelings towards him, he's just a complete irrelevance. Given how some of my friends have struggled with their own fathers' erratic commitments, I think my mum's decision not to foster contact was a wise one.

Why are you so keen to have this inadequate man in your daughter's life? Because you feel you ought to? When I was younger people used to tell me that when I had children of my own I'd really want to know about my dad. I didn't, though, and if anything seeing their relationship with my DH (and his with his own lovely father) has reinforced my view that being a parent is something you do, not a status you acquire.

Oh, and what Ford said. It's all about him.

Also - you don't know anything about him. Perhaps he's married with other children now, or might be in future. Can you cope with the idea your DD will be treated in a different - inferior - way?