How to interpret this email I received today

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I have been a regular on here when I fell pregnant about 4 years ago after my daughters father walked out on me when I was pregnant. My daughters father asked me to have an abortion and at 38 that wasn’t a option. So I went it alone and now have a wonderful little girl. Her father left the country (always his plan before he met me) shortly after finding out of my pregnancy and we have never spoken since.

In September I had to contact her father for the first time since he left to ask for a full family health history due to something which came up recently. He replied with the info. So I thought I would ask if he wished to have any information about his daughter.

The day before Christmas he replied and said he would like to know her name, date of birth and see what she looks like. That he thinks of her often, so finding this out would mean a lot to him.

I sent the information, along with photos and a few bits about her personality.

He then replied back early this morning with the following message which I’m finding hard to interpret:

Thank you for email, Xis a really beautiful name and one that looks to befit all her attributes perfectly. Thank you so much for allowing me this insight into her life.

I don't have anymore questions at this moment, seeing her face and learning about X’s character has been very special and also quite overwhelming, she's very beautiful.

With your blessings I would like if one day she could learn that her Dad exists and that he does think of her. If X already has someone to call Dad thats great too.

I would like my daughter to slowly develop some form of relationship with her father as I feel it’s important for her identity. I don’t know where he is based, but with modern technology it’s possible to keep in touch.

I can’t tell from his message if this is something he would like or is leaving it here for the time being and maybe will contact me when she is older? It’s not that clear. Like I said I would like my daughter to slowly build a relationship with her father if he was comfortable with it.

Thanks!

Cherry x

Thanks Schnitzel, I’m really grateful that you have shared your experiences of not having a dad (and for others that have shared their experiences too) it’s good to help me make my mind up with the next steps.

I have no experience of this myself, my dad is married to my dad and I’ve only ever known having a mum and dad. I guess I just feel I shouldn’t stop her having some sort of relationship with her dad. Even if it’s just so she sees photos, finds out about him (his hobbies etc) to give her a more rounded view of her identity.

Schnitzel I don’t think it’ll be that much of an issue if he is married/has kids now or in the future. The relationship I suspect will be very basic as he lives on the other side of the world. It’ll be mainly letters/ emails etc.

He doesn’t sound like he wants to be too involved just now but would like your daughter to be aware who he is. Maybe suggest a yearly (her birthday maybe) letter/gift which will keep her reminded he is there perhaps?

I wouldn't touch this Pandora's box with a barge pole. Leave it alone. I see nothing but heartache and regret if you push this. Let your DD decide what she wants when she's older.

The email is nice and non-threatening but seriously, don't go there. He's not her dad in any way other than as a sperm donor, probably a lovely sperm donor. Leave it at that.

Hmmm I read that as him saying go ahead and tell her about me in the future and mention that I think about her but, also, if you've married and she thinks this man is her father, don't worry about telling her about me. I would take this as he has no intention of doing Skype or letters or anything. Not sure what would be best to do next but that's definitely how I interpreted it. Good luck with your decision.

I grew up never knowing my father's identity. I searched for him after getting a copy of my original birth certificate ( my name was changed as a baby). My dearest wish always was to see his face and know something about him.
My search ended with an envelope of documents relating to his death.
To this day , I have never seen his face and the yearning never fades.

If your daughter asks about him just tell her. If she wants to see him, let her - even if it's just a photo. The desire to find out who we are never really fades .
You sound wonderful, by the way. Best wishes.

Thank you KenDodds, I have some photos of when we were together and can tell her what I know about him. What would you suggest I do re contacting him again? I’m starting to think having re read the message that he probably doesn’t want any further involvement and that this was just him being curious.

I think it is a well considered letter. He is rightly giving credit to your beautiful DD and keeping his own part minimal as he said you should have an abortion.

It would be wrong I think for him to come in all guns blazing about him being her dad. You, after all, are the one who has changed your life to have and raise her. So, I actually think it is reasonably well pitched, as it rightly leaves the ball in your court.

Going by my own DC, your DD may want to know who her dad is, what he looks like, what he does, and even minimal but consistent contact will give her the security of knowing who her dad is. Her day to day security will always come from you.

The key is consistency, however much contact he ends up having. Consistent letter contact is better than unreliable visits, for example.

X-post, sorry

Iced cocoa, thanks for your messsge. What would you suggest I say if I do reply?

I would leave it to him to contact you. He knows how to find you if he so chooses, take it from there IF he ever gets back in touch. The important thing is to always tell your. Daughter the truth and focus your time and energy helping her with any questions she may have over the coming years. That way, she can grow up feeling secure, and can decide for herself if she wants to have a relationship.
Hope this helps x

Thanks Ken 😊

I would simply thank him for his kind words, and agree that yes, DD is beautiful indeed.

Reassure him that you will tell her about her dad, as and when she asks, as that seems to be what he is asking.

Beyond that, I don’t know what I would say. Maybe that you are glad he is pleased to have seen her, if that is the truth. But I would be wary of offering anything beyond that, it really is up to him to make some concrete requests if he wants contact. A polite reply giving him the reassurance he asks for leaves the door open for him to do that.

Be careful what you wish for. If they do develop a relationship and he lives on the other side of the world then the natural conclusion is that she one day will seek to go over there too.

If you’re happy and she’s happy then why rock the boat.

Part of his reticence could be down to fear of having to pay child maintenance also.

Leave it alone.

Thanks for your reply Iced!! Definitely good for thought. I’m definitely not going to be rushing back to reply if at all.

My suggestion is that you do a bit of fishing yourself to see what he is prepared to commit to, before committing to anything yourself.

So I would reply with "I'm not going to tell her about you at the moment, as she is still very young, and it could be confusing for me to tell her that she has a father but that she cannot meet him. If you feel you would like some sort of a relationship in the future, that is up to you."

If he comes back and says he does, I would go on to suggest that in order to proceed you need to start with regular letterbox/email contact, with information about him and his wider family and also photographs. You can keep it all together to show here when she's older/interested, at which stage (if he shows commitment) you could consider opening up direct contact.

I'd be looking for at least four letters/emails a year - don't let him away with just birthday/Christmas, she needs more than that as proof of interest.

If he sticks to it, he wants contact. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

And sadly he probably won't

He is not a nice or reliable person.

He has already abandoned her once.

Don'r let him do it again.

His past behaviour will predict his future behaviour.

Examine that - and if you have any doubts - do not take the risk of him hurting her.

Look at his actions not his self absolving well crafted words.

He has form for this. Dont' let him do it again.

He hasnt tried to find you in all this time - he is offering nothing.

You have enough info for when she is older and stronger to decide what to do.

Too many risks (calculated on past form) against any imagined / wishful thinking benefits.

My interpretation is he doesn't want to be one day accused of being abandoning father or rubbish dad, but he doesn't want to contribute financially to her upkeep either.

He has phrased it so it is all down to you - this means at some point in the future his actions or lack of actions may be all your responsibility, deflected from him.

Sometimes I struggle to believe what I read on here. So you have raised your daughter very well in her early years,and just as the final formative years are coming to a close, you want to introduce a fantancy of a father to her?

I suggest you deal with your own issues, invest your time In dating good men and one of them could become a great dad to her.

Please do not subject to the emotional strain of a romantic dad who lives inside a laptop/another side of the world. This will only cause her unnecessary problems in the future.

The email is a polite way of telling you that he is glad you are raising his biological child and no more. Please don’t confuse biology and responsibility. You have done well so far so please carry on with the great work you are doing.stop romantising the issue

I would go with what was said on p2 "if you wanted to be a presence in her life, I would enable that" but along adoption Letterbox guidelines.

I don't think Cherry is romanticizing at all, she's asking for advice on how best to deal with the situation now that ex has shown some interest in her daughter. Up to now, it's been clear cut as he has had no contact, but now that he has, she is trying to navigate what may (or may not) be in her daughter's best long term interests.
DD is very young at the moment, and none of us know whether it may become important to her to know about her biological father as she gets older.
With no contact, children in this situation can be the ones to fantasise and romanticise the absent father. Perhaps it's better to have as much information and some actual direct experience of their father, even if they are a less than ideal parent.
There are no easy solutions to raising a child in this situation. It's a minefield navigating it. It depends on so many factors that are so fluid, and inter relate with each other, and can change radically over time as the child gets older.
I posted earlier, and advised that you explore with him what, if anything, he is offering in terms of future contact. You don't have to agree to anything, but at least it'll give you a framework within which to consider what may be possible, and weigh up what's best for your dd in the light of what he may be capable of providing.
I'm interested to know whether he is from the same country as you Op and just living abroad for now? Does he have family in the same country as you reside in?

Oh gosh I'm definitely not romantizing her father. Actions speak louder than words I would say. He walked away, I did not beg him to be in her life. I turned my back on him, moved to be closer to family, bought my own house and got myself a job which allows me to juggle parenting and also be the breadwinner. I'm have never needed her father or dreamed of him being in my daughters life.

As the previous poster has rightly said, I'm assessing all options to decide what's best for my daughter. It's great to hear everyone's views on this and also those who have be brought up without their father. Reading those stories just shows how for some people they felt they had a 'hole' where they were never given any info about their father and then those who couldn't care less. Its such a difficult decision and something I'm going to take my time to work out.

There is a part of me which feels there's no harm to ask if he would like any contact; and for a year or so it will be letter writing etc without any involvement of my daughter at all. I can monitor what he does (if anything) and decide from there. This way she won't get hurt if he fails to deliver.

Oh and yes he is from the UK same as me.

I would email him and inform him you would like to make her a book with some photos and basic information in it. Ask him for a picture of his side of the family and ask him if he wants to write a very simple letter to put in the book. For now she will probably be satisfied with the fact he doesn't live in the country as a reason that he doesn't visit her.
If he agrees and follows through you could contact him again in a year to update the book and take it from there.
A book will feel far more concrete than just telling her things about him.