Is my cousin BU to leave his wife over this

[babyShark]

They are both Doctors, married 2 years ago. She is currently training at various hospitals so they both live in different places, see each other every weekend. No DC , not planning to have for at least 3 more years.
My cousin called me last night to say that his wife had an abortion. He is upset and thinking about divorce, his reasons,

1. She didn't tell him she was pregnant
2. Can't be with a person who doesn't involve him in such an important decision
3. Told this over the phone
4. Can't be with a person who is so cruel

5.ruined Christmas

My cousin is a paediatrician, adores children, I can see why this is a deal breaker for him. Is he BU ?

They agreed no kids for 3 years, an accident happened, she took action to keep to the agreed plan.

Admittedly this is an emotive issue so a conversation probably should have happened first, but they had agreed no kids for 3 years, so why is he surprised that she wanted to keep to that?

He needs to disentangle his feelings about the secret keeping and method of being told (this is not great but a sPPs have said there might be reasons) vs his feelings about having kids and his commitment to giving up/impacting his career as a doctor at this stage, because if he's not prepared to why should she?

And she should think hard about what she'll learn in their conversations about this about his attitude to sharing the burden of being a parent so that their careers progress equally.

He can do whatever he likes. Tough one but, he’s not being unreasonable in the slightest

So he would have given up his career to care for this baby?

I agree with him. It is her body and is ultimately her choice whether or not she has the baby but they are a married couple so she should have told him. In a healthy relationship you would share this information with your partner and discuss things even if only one person had the final say.

She s told now because she isn't well enough to travel and can't join in. Cousin wants me to cover up for them tomorrow.
I hope they will talk through this and to find out why she felt this way. I honestly feel for both.

She clearly has no respect for him of his opinions. I'd go now if I were him.

He obviously needs to talk to someone since he can’t trust his wife

She obviously can't trust him or she would have said something before. Either that or she did trust him enough to stick to their pre-agreed plan not realising he didn't intend to stick to his side of the agreement (to wait three years)

Gosh 7 pages of ‘she didnt tell him becasue he is a twat’ or words to that effect.

Maybe she is the controlling one, maybe she doesn’t give a fuck what he thinks.

My sister has had 2 abortions, neither was a difficult decision and neither required hand holding so its perfectly possible she just got on with it and thats why he is pissed off.

I'm guessing she didn't tell him because, knowing he's so anti-abortion, he might have tried to talk her out of it

Gosh 7 pages of ‘she didnt tell him becasue he is a twat’ or words to that effect.

Or 7 pages of "he should leave her, she killed his baby/should have asked him" depending on how you read it.

My sister has had 2 abortions, neither was a difficult decision and neither required hand holding so its perfectly possible she just got on with it and thats why he is pissed off

Yes I'd want to hear her side. Whilst for some women its a difficult decision for others it isn't. She may well be in the latter camp, especially as they don't live together and had a clear plan on children.

What difference could it have made if she had told him?

It doesn't sound like he'd have been particularly supportive (or at least his wife didn't think he would be), and he couldn't have continued with the pregnancy by himself. So what could he have done?

Why did she tell him after the event? If it was nothing to do with him, why tell him at all?

She could have made something up about not being able to travel.

I wouldn’t put off something I’d worked my whole life towards because my husband wouldn’t let me get an abortion. And all this, ‘wanted to be involved’ bullshit actually means he would’ve said no. It’s only really her career that would be effected.

Although unless he’s very very controlling I don’t really get why you wouldn’t discuss it with your partner first/ tell him .So I get his point on that I guess. But I think his issue is the abortion itself

I know quite a few women that have not "taken it

Where they all married? Perhaps you know some really shitty women - most women would much rather through an abortion with a supportive partner than alone. I don't know anyone who didn't tell their DP they were pregnant. Although I do have a friend who was pressurised into an abortion and deeply regretted it. And that's the problem with a DP who has a very strong view.

This gets worse - she's feeling so poorly that she can't travel and he's preoccupied with having 'ruined Christmas'. He really isn't mature enough to be practising as a doctor.

He is 50% responsible for the situation she is in.

Perhaps he was not the father

RidingWindhorses

I suppose you could put it that way if you were to miss out points 1 through 4 and wanted to change the narrative.

If I was pregnant and didn’t want to or feel I could tell the father there would be a huge reason for that. The most likely being that I was either worried he would pressure me into keeping it or getting rid and would cause a lot of stress. Either way it would indicate I wasn’t with the right person to be raising a child with (and possibly in a relationship with) so divorce might be the right option.

Don't be fucking ridiculous Jefferson, I'm not trying to change any narrative (that's your own narrative).

The point is that Christmas shouldn't be on the list at all.

And where was the point saying 'I feel so bad she felt she couldn't tell me and had to go through this alone'?

That list is all me me me and no concern for her at all.

He is 50% responsible for the situation she is in.*

But in the next breath you'll be saying it's nothing to do with him and she can do what she likes.

She is within her rights to have an abortion, he is right to leave if he feels trust is irreversibly broken.

I would expect the issues to be deeper than this incident. I don't think you make a completely solo decision to abort and go ahead without support while in an otherwise super relationship. Although I can see that ideologically there are those who think it would be normal and acceptable, in practice I don't buy that it would happen.

He needs to clearly ask himself what does she think his reaction would have been. Would she have been under pressure to keep it? If she thinks he would pressure her she is not unreasonable. Because she took the best decision for her.
The prevailing attitude I'm getting from you isn't that he's upset that she didn't tell him it's that he didn't get a chance to stop it.

But in the next breath you'll be saying it's nothing to do with him and she can do what she likes

Invention.