Lost my family

[Lilsquish]

Not really sure why im writing this. Just feeling so down right now.
A brief overview...

Im married with a young baby. Last year my sister had her baby son (7 weeks old) removed by ss due to him having broken ribs. Sister and her husband took him to hospital as he was constantly unsettled and crying. The broken ribs were discovered via xray and it transpired that it had occurred on two seperate occasions.

Police and ss got involved. Both sis and bil deny doing it or knowing how it happened. Police couldnt find enough evidence to charge anyone so it was left in the hands of ss.

Since the injuries were discovered my nephew has been living with my parents and my sis and bil get supervised access.
6 months after this all kicked off i gave birth to my daughter. Initially my OH and I were trying to be supportive to sis and parents and the whole topic of how this happened was a massive elephant in the room.
But this just couldnt go on.

Due to various reasons my OH and i believe it was my bil (my parents also suspect this). As such OH and i decided that we didnt want him around our baby. My OH then however decided that my sis knows her OH harmed their son and is just covering for him as she doesnt want a failed marriage (i should add at this point that absolutely no one in my family/friends know about this - it has been kept secret to protect my sis and the lies etc that have been told is unreal)

So now my problem. Since iv told my parents and sis that she is not allowed to see my daughter, they have cut me out their life.

Im completely heartbroken and feek so helpless and lost.

My OH hates my sister and now barely tolerates my parents and my sister and parents hate my OH. My choice was between having a relationshiop with my OH or with my family. Iv obv chosen my OH but i feel so alone and sad about it at the same time.

Theres so much more to this but id literally be typing all day.

Guess im just looking for a hand hold......

It fits apart from the drugs bit.

There is no way my sis uses drugs

Im doing ok. Good days and bad days.

My mum messaged me 10 days ago saying she was unwell and would text in a few days to arrange meeting up.

Iv heard nothing since. But i know shes at her work so cant be that ill. I just dont get why im being treated so badly :-(

(Because you are being scapegoated for a number of seriously questionable decisions made by your sister, her husband and your parents)

Somehow you have to find inner strength. Lots and lots of inner strength. You sound like the only decent member of your birth family OP. Concentrate on being strong. You will be alright if you can just stand firm. You are right. 100%. It must be really hard though to be facing what you are facing.

Thank you Butt and Offred xx

Think im entering the anger stage now

That’s positive overall but it’s also tough going xx

You are grieving for what you had. I completely agree with your dh.

Great. Another curve ball.

My gran has died today. My dads mum.

Obv wider family know nothing of this fall out/situation.

I fully expect my parents are going to pile on the pressure for me to act like happy families (well normal grieving family) at the funeral.

Wtf do i do?????

Go to the funeral and be dignified and serene (even if you don't feel it) you don't have to attend the wake but pay your respects if you wish. Don't be put off from what you would ordinarily do.

Go to the funeral.

Try to avoid them. Bring your h for support if you can and give him instructions to guard you.

Yes, make sure your husband is with you. Good luck, lils, this is really not what you need now

How are you doing op? Have read through this thread and think what a strong person you are, and what a great person your dh is. Never ever doubt that you have done the right thing.
The blinkers are off and finally get to see what they are all really like.

A 5 week old baby being harmed in that way is sickening. And not one of them is bothered about finding out the truth.
Op if it hasn't sunk in yet, they are very bad people. Every one of them.

So sorry to hear this OP. I'm thinking of you. X

Not great MissP.

Just awaiting the inevitable onslaught of guilt tripping and manipulation that im most likely to receive.

I will def attend the funeral. If i wasnt to go, that would play right into their hands and theyd make up some lie to family as to why i wasnt there. (A pre-booked holiday or something)

Iv just text my dad back (he text to tell me gran had died) I just said 'sorry to hear, thoughts with you'

Now wondering if theyl even want to gjve me the funeral details.....

I think they probably will, for the same reason they let you know she had passed away and the same reason you know they will be expecting you to play along with happy families at the funeral; because it would reflect badly on them if you weren’t there and they want everyone to think how wonderful they are.

Try not to let their crap distract you from grieving. Utilise DH to protect you, which I’m sure he would given how angry he is, and don’t worry about what other people think.

I believe theyve told me she's died, rather than not even telling me at all, because deep down even they know that would be the lowest of the low to hide it from me.

But i fully expect that they will request that i go alone to the funeral. No doubt they will say bil wont go, so it will just be them and my sis.

Then il get 'please dont upset ur father, he's just lost his mum.....' etc etc etc.

I hate this.

You’ve lost your gran, you have a perfect right to grieve and remember her life.

They will not make a fuss on the day no matter what you do I bet because they will look like shitbags and loons.

Bring h.

All you need from them is the details of the funeral. You actually do not need to absorb any of the rest of whatever craziness they chuck your way or agree to any of their demands or even respond to them.

Yeah i know for def they wont cause a scene. Theyre not those kind of people.

There will be no arguments or anything on the day.

Its behind the scenes and in the run up to the funeral that all the manipulation will occur.

Im expecting either of the following:

Not to hear anything from them at all (ie theyre hoping if they dont tell me, and i dont ask for, the funeral details, then il not go

Or

Il get a message in the next few days asking to meet up so they can start on me and try to make me out to be the worst daughter in the world

:-(

I'm sorry you have lost your gran. As much as you can try to remain calm and a bit detached from them all at the funeral. If they try to rake it all up over the next few weeks just say 'now is not the time'.

How should i approach things with my uncle?

He is the only other family who will be there. Obv knows nothing of this (lives on the other side of the world)

He will be there with my parents and sis/bil and will be expecting me and OH standing with him.

Normally we would also have family meet ups/meals out while he is over as obv we dont see him often.

Everything is just such a mess!!!

Right now im wishing i was the one that had died.

Should prob add, i wasnt in any way close to my gran.

There was a big falling out between her and my parents years ago and relationships were very strained.

Oddly enough, my own mothers behaviour recently has mirrored a lot of that of my grans (my gran was my mums MIL)

But they do say patterns of behaviour in families repeat itself.

I can guarantee that i will do my utmost to never repeat any of this behaviour with my beloved wee girl.

if you can, imagine you have a glass shield around you and that they cannot get through it. Imagine standing on a steady rock, your own rock, and that you can't be swayed.

If you don't hear in the next few days, then text your father and ask for the when and where. Just reply 'thank you' for the info and simply ignore anything else. If they request a meeting, suggest you'd just appreciate the funeral information for now. Remember, you desperately want everything to be normal but the price of cooperation is far too high. Believe me lilsquich, the cost of playing happy families at the price of your integrity is far, far too high.

Stay calm to get through and fall apart later. If you have to imagine that you are acting in a play to get through this. Detachment!

The main thing is to stay calm, stay civil and repeat "this isn't the time to discuss this" whenever necessary.

With your uncle I suggest you say that there was a serious incident and that it's best if it isn't discussed for now and certainly not here and now.

You have done the right thing. Your parents should have respected your decision and not taken sides. It's heart breaking that you feel this loss but you haven't done anything wrong

Your OH is right to want to protect your child