Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Does anyone know how to block someone's emails? All I can find is how to direct them into junk (which may or may not work), rather than how to block them completely. I've just blocked him again so I know he'll revert to sending emails instead and I know the temptation will be to read them...

75? jesus!

zoo.

Could you consider talking to the Women's Aid? This guy is profoundly abusive and they are able to give you more skilled advice. At this point I'm starting to think that you may need a quiet word with the non-emergency police because the best thign now for you would be if you had no more contact.

But in the meantime, please talk to Women's Aid. This man is worrying; the combination of his comment that he'll make sure you know he's dead (verbatim) and the medical 'emergency' and this bombardment is kinda worrying

hopefully someone can come along and tell you how to block emails, I dont know sorry

75? 75 is not 'absurd', it's bordering on threatening.

Blocking emails - you may need to google how to do this for your email provider.

You have already involved the police regarding his behaviour so THEY will take this very seriously and see it is a DANGEROUS ESCALATION even if you don’t. I would involve them again ASAP.

This is clear harassment.

He doesn’t take “No” for an answer - typically when you block a channel he will try to find another route (as he has proved eg texts to email) - he will turn up your work, gym, social etc (like he did at your acurpuncture app) - he is now stalking you.

This is illegal - he will follow you to your new house/job etc.

Please seek advice from the police / women’s aid etc.

Police. Immediately. Don't question it or overthink it. Pick up the phone, dial 101, and say 'I'm being harassed by my ex partner'. The rest will just happen. Do it now.

Op - I get it. You think it's 'just' emails, it's 'just' texts, it's 'just' him wanting to see you, to contact you, it's 'just'...

Except it isn't 'just' - it's him exerting his control, not allowing you to have any thoughts of leaving him, not allowing you space, not allowing you to say 'enough'.

Take that control away. Yes, block him on everything (and I mean everything - don't allow one channel for someone to contact you re his body! ) and block anyone else who is a flying monkey for him.

He's not ill, not dying. He's just controlling you and harassing you. He will not stop, unless you get the Police involved. And Block him!

Well he seems to think I've blocked his emails (I haven't as I don't know how to).

It's just as well as I'm feeling very down this evening - I have to go for another ultrasound because my body is doing weird stuff despite having miscarried bloody months ago.

Emotionally I feel like I'm never going to be able to pick up the pieces and move on. Every time I start to see a way forward something dashes those hopes.

You will, zoo. It's very early days and you're only just beginning to really get free mentally.

it will get easier. Eventually you'll be free

Hi OP - that is why you need to go NC with these abusive people. It’s like a game of snakes and ladders , every time you are exposed to him (even if you don’t respond) you slide down a ladder and start again despite the distance you have achieved. You have been really strong and have great plans for the near future - focus on them and block everything he sends you. He will not help your emotional or physical recovery

Thanks @another20 @SeaEagleFeather

I've been NC for a whole day! He's tested whether his emails are blocked (I guess he'll realise they're not because I can see he's using a mail tracker app), so who knows when he'll initiate contact again. I haven't responded. I'm feeling good this weekend. Although I can't decide whether to wait patiently for a scan referral which could take 2 weeks or whether to go to A&E and get a scan there (the bleeding isn't stopping and the doctor said they'd see me so it would be worth the waste of a day).

I want all of this to be over, the miscarriage, the heartbreak over my relationship, mourning the loss of the man I want him to be, the loss of the baby I want (but no longer with him)...

you've a lot to come to terms with, especially as he's proved so bloody weird. Take it easy and talk to your friends.

If you can, eat well, ease up on the booze and do some sort of exercise (sorry for the grandmotherly advice but I've learned that there's real truth in the advice!)

@SeaEagleFeather Grandmotherly advice it may be, but still sensible! I'm trying to do all of those things and have been referred for counselling too, so hopefully things are looking up.

Just read through this thread and I agree that no contact is the way to go.
It sounds like he's doing everything he can to get your attention and I hate to say it but the thought has crossed my mind that if he doesn't succeed, he may turn violent.

I was in an abusive and controlling relationship and after I left, I had phone calls off his friends saying that he'd fallen down the stairs/had a heart attack/attempted suicide and that I needed to be there for him.
When I still didn't react, he started stalking me and turning up to places where he knew I'd be and was found carrying knives.

I would seriously consider getting a restraining order.

75 messages in one night isn't normal.

Also, I know it's so hard to walk away because when you're in that kind of relationship, you spend your whole time trying to make them happy and get their approval so you often feel like you love them more than you would someone in a health relationship.
The arguments give you adrenaline and you become addicted to it.
It took me a long time to get over my ex but I promise you, you will feel so much better for moving on.

I cut contact completely, eventually he moved on and left me alone.

I now have the most amazing husband I could have ever asked for, we've bought a home and are expecting our first child in 3 weeks!

I really hope you find your fairytale ending soon, but it won't happen if he's still in the background.

@Mrstobe90 Thank you for your post. And congratulations on the new baby and the new house! It sounds like leaving him was absolutely the right decision and I'm glad he finally left you alone.

Can I ask how long it did take you to get over your ex? I know everyone is different, I'm just interested in seeing how long it took different people - I know there's unfortunately no magic off switch.

Thank you so much!

To full get over him, it took just over a year and a half but I found being away from him so much easier around the 4 month mark. After a while, I realised how abusive the relationship had really been. While in it, I knew he was bad but couldn't see the full extent of it. I was too blinded by my feelings for him.
I look back now and wonder why I stayed for so long. I love and respect myself so much more now and I finally am in a loving relationship where I've never felt happier!

It's really hard to recognise how bad the relationship was, even when you've made the decision to leave.

I always thought I'd be strong enough never to allow myself to get into an abusive relationship and even pitied those poor weak women who did. Oh I had no idea!

Even now I wonder how bad it really was (but I know that's just because I haven't had the time to recover yet).

@Mrstobe90 1.5 years seems like a really long time, so I'm really happy for you that you're out and so much happier. I will get there...

1 and a half years isn't that long when you get on with life. The only way you can though is to fully block him.

Get support wherever you can and consider moving to to a place he won't know about.

Cut off the mutual friend and all others that are friends with him and change your number. If you tell your service provider that you need to change your number because of the abuse, they'll change it for free.
I had to change mine three times lol

@Mrstobe90 3 times??? How on earth did he track you down? Or were you being super cautious?

I am planning to move away (house purchase trundling on) which will be a wonderful fresh start. Maybe I'll find a nice farmer to marry. 😬

He kept getting my number from people we knew mutually. He also found out what time I got the train to my new job and was caught waiting at the station on a bike with a balaclava and a knife in his pocket.

He was a psycho!

I'm so glad you're getting a fresh start!

Once he's completely out of your life, you will wonder why you wasted so much time with him and will find a new found love and respect for yourself!
You deserve someone who will treat you like a queen xx

OP, get as physically worked up as you can, cry, get angry, pissed off, whatever you need.

Draw an "X" on the back of your hand and focus all those feelings onto it.

If you start to relent when you see him, look at that X and remind yourself how he made you feel.

It's too late, he doesn't deserve you, run as fast as you can.

@Mrstobe90 What is it with mutual friends "helping"?? One of the earlier posters here said it best, that friends see you hurting and think it's the best way to make you happy again. So unhelpful.

Him lurking around with a knife must have been utterly terrifying. What a waste of space.

@ivenoideawhatimdoing I want so much to be angry but I'm not there yet - I feel resigned which is much better than feeling torn. I'm also hopeful about the future, which I certainly wasn't a few weeks (/ days) ago. Emotions really do change at a snail's pace. I do know he doesn't deserve me (I hope that doesn't sound conceited) - I gave him everything emotionally and he couldn't or wouldn't or wasn't capable of doing the same.

Hi zoo

You are doing really well. You've asked a couple of questions on here and a few resonated with me.

Why / how did you fall for it / did not see it?
This is what I wondered about myself - I think it's because I am a kind, fair, reasonable person and I could not see how I was losing out in a relationship such as this - I was made to feel it was me being unreasonable. It is not! You are lovely and kind - he is manipulative. If it helps, you can think that he did not mean it to be cruel - he might not be aware of it, but that is down to his damage. You mention his lack of immediate family. THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX!!

How long will it take to get over him?
Quick answer - a lot faster when you stop having contact. Let go - it is done, he is not for you, BLOCK.

Watch the episode of "One night with my ex" on Channel 4, with the abusive boyfriend. When I watched it, I cried, had some kind of PTSD. It is hard to watch from the outside but it TRULY showed me where I had been.

You are nearly out. STOP CONTACT NOW, it's over. Finished.
And Women's Aid will be useful for you.

Keep posting!

Unless people are in the relationship, they don't understand what really goes on so the mutual friends probably have this idea that you were great together and want to fix it.
People used to say to me that they were jealous of my relationship with him and how we seemed so perfect.
If only they knew how bad it was, I don't think they'd have ever got involved.
At one point we lived in a flat above a salon and the girls in there knew what was going on. We had a rule that if I banged my foot on the floor (their ceiling) really hard, 3 times, they'd call the police - no questions asked.

Thank you @Teabay. I feel like all I do is ask rhetorical questions - or at least questions no one but me can really answer. I'll definitely look up that Ch 4 programme.

Having done the hard bit (I thought) of leaving him, I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to cut off contact completely. I'm so very tempted to change my number but until I can work out how to block his emails, it seems rather pointless as he turns to emails when he can't reach me any other way (I periodically block him and then like a fool unblock him again). I need to do more Googling!

@Mrstobe90 That's one of his arguments as to why we were so good together! He says his friends were jealous of how happy we were and how can I want to throw that away when other men out there are far worse. He doesn't understand that I looked at couples on the train or out and about and felt jealous at how relaxed they were in each other's company. It makes me so sad even now that I never felt I had that.