Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Contact customer services of your email provider.
I agree that you'll never be able to start the healing process if you keep speaking to him.
I'm not going to lie - it is hard. It's really hard but it's the best thing and deep down you know it.
He still has major control over you. He knows this and you need to take that away from him.

Please please please do what's best for yourself. Taking the right path is often the hardest thing but you will come out the other side so much stronger.

We had a rule that if I banged my foot on the floor (their ceiling) really hard, 3 times, they'd call the police - no questions asked

jesus, what a way for you to live.

zoo, I'm afraid that his friends being 'jealous' of how things appeared is fuck-all reason for you to stay there. It's a non-argument because it is completely irrelevant to -your- happiness. And actually, anyone who says "ill be sure that you hear when they find my body" - you know, in moral and emotional terms there isn't much worse than that. It's despicable.

It's hard to cut contact because at some level, you were kinda trapped and controlled and it's a way of living that you get used to. It's hard to adjust to change. But keep going, life will become SO much better!

One of the.problems is that nice people can't understand that there are people out there who actively seek to dominate & control their partners. Therefore their abusers can be 'heloed' which usually involves the victim trying harder!
I've been there, it takes time to get over - but I have the t shirt and it's very faded now.
Stop trying to understand it and walk away.

I think I will have to change my number. Just missed a call from my doctor because I'm not answering calls from withheld numbers. 😕

I'm totally overwhelmed by how much support I've had from friends and family (and also on here). It's definitely keeping me strong.

Those friends and family have had the measure of him.
Is he still messaging you?
As well as googling "how to block someone on gmail/outlook etc" you will need to find out how to block on LinkedIn, Insta, FB, ebay etc......

He's blocked on just about everything except emails and WhatsApp (mainly because the moment I block WhatsApp he then emails instead). Once I've worked out how to block him on Hotmail, I'll block him on WhatsApp too.

He is messaging but I've been ignoring him which feels good. He seems to want to chit chat which I'm not prepared to do.

Well done! Take it one baby step at a time. You're doing so well xx

www.google.co.uk/search?q=how+to+block+email+sender+on+hotmail&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

Ignore the “chit-chat” - just trying another tack to reel you back in after the amateur dramatics and hysteria didn’t work. Expect the gifts, turning up at places, trying to get to you thru family, friends, work colleagues etc. You need to warn him and then press the button with police if he continues. He is already on their radar.

Can he see that you have seen/read the whatspps? He will be getting something from this. You can change your settings so that he can’t see when you are on What’s app.

Thanks @another20. I've decided to create a rule in hotmail instead of blocking. Call me silly but I'm not quite ready to cut all ties just yet. I have however blocked him on
WhatsApp again - literally 5 mins later I get a call from an unknown number. I assume it's him but haven't listened to the voicemail. He's persistent but it's starting to annoy me, which is great!

Apparently I'm being cruel in blocking him without an explanation because he hasn't been hassling me and I "owe him that much" and he "doesn't understand". I did tell him I'd do what's best for me and guess what, this is it.

How is it they manage to turn it around on us and make us feel like the bad person???

He was so quick to call after I'd blocked him. I'm almost impressed.

Sorry I'm on a whinge tonight.

Does he really think we can be friends???

Whinge away =)

He's not after friendship. He's after getting you under his thumb again.

You cannot reason with this man. You've tried that. You cannot actually talk to him because he is not listening. Not in any meaningful way. He does not respect that you can think and want different things from him.

The names he calls you might jab at you, might be a bit like splinters under your fingernails but you are NOT cruel. He is.

I HATE being called names. But you're right @SeaEagleFeather, I'm not cruel. I'm also not a depressive suicidal person - but he drove me to that. I must remember that if nothing else.

5 calls and counting...

I really do think you need to contact the police, zoo. Anyone can see the lengths he's going to are worrying, even frightening.

I'm hoping that, after a few days of not managing to get through to me, he'll get bored. Police are definitely plan B but I don't really want it to come to that. Of course he may give me no choice, but we'll see.

Please change your number in the morning. He still has control and you need to take it away!
What he's doing is harassment and trying to turn it around on you is gas lighting!

Call me silly but I'm not quite ready to cut all ties just yet.
Does he really think we can be friends???
Police are definitely plan B

Sorry, zoo, but you really need to step on this right away. He is not interested in 'being friends'; he is interested in controlling you. And he is still doing so, by calling, texting, emailing - you are still consumed by dodging and weaving his attentions/abuses.

Where is your line?

Police.

Zoo you have done really hard to break away but you know that you need to fully block.

If he knows you are reading, even tho not responding he is getting something from this and he is going to keep going. Each time you read or see something - he is triggering you, hurting you, pre-occupying you and YOU are delaying your recovery to lead a new life, meet someone else and have the child you desperately want. Don't let him take anymore of your precious time and headspace.

This might help - I think the "dead slot machine analogy" is really good.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Thanks guys, I know I need to ditch him completely. Since blocking him last night, I've ignored all unknown calls, deleted all unknown voicemails without listening to them, put a rule on his emails and not checked that folder. So if he is tracking emails, he'll see they're not being read.

I'm giving myself the headspace of trying to get over this and moving away (which likely won't be until
July at the earliest if I have to work my notice after buying the house and then resigning) before I even think of wanting to meet someone new. Then I'll be a baby-wanting crazy lady. I have Googled sperm donation too - it's so expensive!

I have a telephone assessment for my new counsellor on Monday - they even warned me in advance that they'll be calling on an unknown number. They must get this so much...

Being ill, super tired and emotional is not a good combination when facing the week ahead. Ive has dreams all weekend about going back to him - when dream you feels this enormous sense of relief at being hugged by him, it makes it so so hard to stay strong.

*I've had

Clearly too tired to spell properly!

You're making incredible steps OP! You're doing so well xxxx

It's stress .... and if you went back, you'd get a hug and then the relentless control would begin to creep up again, worse than ever now. Remember the price, it's high, high, high.

Write down all the pros and all the cons of being with him and keep them in a safe place to look at.

It -will- get better.