Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Well I was feeling calm until I heard a South African accent 😢

Did you actually speak to his friend on the phone, or were the messages by text? Just curious to see if she is real or could he have been playing you

She rang me in a panic and then the rest was done by message.

It definitely wasn't him putting on a female voice!

As in FB Messenger and WhatsApp after that first phone call

Presumably this is more of the same controlling behaviour?

Yes, it is called 'hoovering', I think.
Please do not be taken in.

Def look up hoovering....

ust to say he's in quite a lot of pain but has got an appointment tomorrow for more tests and is waiting for a specialist referral to come through.

Is he expecting you to accompany him to the tests, help him thru his "pain", call back to see how the tests went, hang around to see how the specialist went etc? If so this is all control - even if he didnt and your feel you should it is because you are in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) which is a state controlling people induce you into and is NEVER a reason to do anything.
Did he give you any details of what they ruled out and/or what they suspect his medical condition is?

@another20 He's not asked or suggested that I accompany him and I haven't offered.

He hasn't really said much about what they've found. Seemingly his specialist appointment is early next week. I'm going to wait and see but oddly I'm not too bothered (I've asked to be kept up to date but even assuming this is real, I'm not feeling guilty as there's nothing I can do or could have done).

you've come a long way, zoo. Maybe there will be wobbles but you are so strong!

Think you got out just in time.

Thanks @SeaEagleFeather I hope this feeling of detachment lasts - even a week ago I couldn't have seen myself here.

He and I are having a disagreement as to whether my attitude on this is normal - he said if he'd died on Sunday and it had happened 6 months after we'd broken up, I wouldn't want to know about it / care. I said of course I would - I'd want to know 6, 12, whatever months later. Is that weird? I split from my previous ex over 6 years ago but I'd still want to know if he died. Would you care or want to know??

On a more exciting note my mortgage offer came through yesterday!

oh congrats on the mortgage! quite a relief isnt it :)

what strikes me about his comment is that he is trying to tell you how you'd feel. That is wrong.

personally yes I'd probably want to know unless things had got so bad that I simply wanted to never hear of him again. But in normal break ups, yes ofc I'd want to know.

I wouldn't want an ex telling me how I'd feel though. Not their place to do that. Assuming you know how other people think isn't the best of ideas in the first place and a controlling ex doing it? - well, again, it emphasises the 'controlling'.

I've asked to be kept up to date

Better to tell him you wish him well but he needs to involve his friends and family, not you.

He and I are having a disagreement as to whether my attitude on this is normal

He's criticising you again. Why are you even engaging with him on this?

He has friends and family who can talk to him about his health. It's not your job to help him through now he's your ex. He's trying to pull you back in, and you're letting him.

Tell him you hope he's ok but you are no longer his partner and can't be expected to help him through this. That you don't want to hear from him again. Then block, block, block.

It's hard. But if you allow him to keep drawing you in and then criticising you like this, you're never going to be free of him.

Ontherise is giving good advice. Might sound OTT - but you are not dealing with normal here.

ontherise is right

Op I worry you're gonna end up back with him. In these circumstances you need to be zero contact or it will never, ever work. You will never be able to friends or amicable because he isn't a friendly amicable person.
Please go back to blocking everything because right now he's winning with this heart condition bullshit. And sadly I can see you buying it all and returning. You're feeling calm because you're in touch with him and that's more comforting to you than the reality. It will only get worse if you carry on. You seem like a lovely person who wants to see the good in others but you've got to realise some people have no goodness in them.
The only way forward is no contact no contact no contact. It hurts, it's hard but it works.

Congratulations on your mortgage offer and most importantly on YOU being so detached and determined ... well done you for getting to this point!

You are not responsible for his physical or emotional wellbeing. You don't owe him explanations or discussions. My husband (who spent months last year talking up his "possible lung tumour" which turned out to be nothing) does the same thing, he wants to engage with me no matter what. I MUST explain. I MUST discuss. i MUST talk through, blah blah blah.

No explanation you ever give will be enough. You will always be pressed to give more, more, more. You are doing the right thing, which is detaching, keep plowing ahead with that!!

I'm not sure being kept up to date is a brilliant idea. It gives him an opening to keep nudging his way into your daily routine and if you attempt to close it down, he'll accuse you of being heartless and not caring - and you will THINK you're heartless and not caring, because you're a nice person. And so he's... back in your life! Hurray! Not.

Think of it this way. He has, at best, a panic-related moment of breathlessness and general 'I feel shit' break-up-itis which he has now whirled up into a Major Mystery Heart Condition. Do you have any idea how MUCH these tests and consultations with specialists and more tests, because the first tests could find nothing, are costing the NHS? Get angry about that, if nothing else!

Also, he sounds about 14.

I know you're all completely right, I'm just a naturally nosy person. I need to harden up. I do think you're right though that as soon as I do cut off contact he'll say I'm heartless.

I think I'm partly feeling calm because I have a plan of action (including moving across the country) which doesn't involve him.

I met a friend for dinner last night who needed to let off steam about her fiancée. It was worrying recognising a lot of what she said as being the bad stuff I faced with my ex - I know she was grumbling and therefore only telling me the bad parts, but it has me worried and I don't think I can say anything? (For the same reason I'd never have listened to anyone who pointed out the issues in my relationship...)

as soon as I do cut off contact he'll say I'm heartless.

it doesnt matter what he says

What he thinks (or more likely, says, because he's been playing you a long time now) is irrelevant to you now.

this will sound harsh. Could it be that when you worry about what he says about you, it's less concern that you -are- heartless and more about how you -appear- to others? From this thread it shines out that you are most definitely not heartless, you have a heart and (luckily for you) a good streak of sense as well.

about your friend, I think the best you can do is point her to a list of red flags on line and let her see if any of it hits home

as soon as I do cut off contact he'll say I'm heartless.

But you won't know what he's saying, because you'll have no contact with him.

And it doesn't matter what he says, because he's controlling and abusive and can't be trusted to say anything worth listening to.

Block him. Have no contact with him. Don't worry about what he's doing or saying, just concern yourself with you.

You're engaging far too much OP. He thinks he's winning you back for sure.

Honesty get yourself on the 30 day no contact support thread will the world implode if you take a breather from this? (But you need to be making it permanent)

I think no contact is the way to go sadly. I've had 75 messages from him since last night (haven't read them all), which is completely absurd.