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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting out of a controlling relationship

821 replies

Zoo33 · 17/12/2017 19:06

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 15/01/2018 10:21

he's actually on his own as he apparently wouldn't let her call one of his local friends

Why not?

This friend is either very naive or going along with this heart problem.

The appropriate person to help him would -be- one of his local friends. Why doesn't he want them there? Is it for some unknown reason or is it, just maybe, because they would go and visit and actually see the reality of how he is? It seems very strange to me that a man with a serious heart infection would tell a (female!) friend who is in another city and can't get to him, rather than a local friend who could actually help.

Just occasionally the moon -is- blue; just occasionally the one in a million chance actually happens. But the serious likelihood is that indeed he's still putting it on in order to reel you back in.

I think that the best thing you could do is text back to the friend that he needs to contact a -local- friend who can help him. If she says 'can you go', you need to reply that you're afraid that you can't.

SeaEagleFeather · 15/01/2018 10:29

no, when you consider that he's controlling, that he said "he'd ask them to call me when they find his body" and then suddenly he goes into hospital with chest pains and he refuses to let anyone local to him know - this sounds as fake as a five quid louis vuitton handbag.

fourquenelles · 15/01/2018 15:42

Sorry OP but I very much doubt he went to hospital at all. The only person he told is too far away to check and he refused to let her tell more local friends. She was relaying to you what he told her; she had no way of knowing whether any of it was true. Please, please don't be sucked in to his game playing.

user764329056 · 15/01/2018 15:50

This is exactly what they do, as others have said he’s following the well trodden path with the well thumbed script, mine told me he had cancer

Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 17:01

@user764329056 I take it he didn't have cancer??

Thank you all, your support has meant a lot. I'm becoming less convinced that he's telling me the whole truth - I haven't decided how much to believe yet, presumably I'll never know for sure.

His friend contacted me this morning with the line I was waiting for - that he needs me now more than ever and that she thinks the issues in our relationship "aren't that bad" and are fixable. She must think I'm a mug.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 15/01/2018 17:22

His friend may not know toxic people.He hid his true self from you so others will be fooled.

Its really not your responsibility to care for him.He needs to have a wake up and this could be the moment it happens.

If its an infection in his heart its really unlikely they discharged him.I suspect he had a panic attack as best.

another20 · 15/01/2018 17:41

Yep - we are all ahead of him here on MN see my posts @00.55 - faked illness, flying monkey, so delicate he needs a nurse (you!) for mystery illness that will take weeks enough to establish via a specialist !

What a load of vile abusive manipulative shit!

user1465335180 · 15/01/2018 18:10

Zoo, I'm glad you're wising up to his nonsense. I don't know if his friend thinks you're a mug but he certainly does! He's so on script it's amazing but there's not a word of truth in his "illness". Please don't engage with him, if he'd loved you SO much he'd have been a much nicer person. He'll get fed up and find another victim in time.

Have a good life and enjoy it

Quartz2208 · 15/01/2018 18:39

No hospital would ever send someone home with a bacterial heart infection that not only might be fatal but could lead to long term damage. None. At all.

Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 18:42

What is surprising is that his friend seems to have an unhappy marriage with her own controlling / manipulative (and as I understand it, deadbeat) husband. I can't work out if that makes her blind to it all, if she's doing it deliberately (which I honestly find hard to believe) or if she's even more naive than I am (or should I say, was!).

I feel for everyone of you that has gone through this. I honestly had no idea.

The Lundy Bancroft book has arrived!

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoo33 · 15/01/2018 19:21

If nothing else (looking for positives here), this has all been wonderful for my waistline. 😕

OP posts:
yrhengi · 15/01/2018 19:24

What is surprising is that his friend seems to have an unhappy marriage with her own controlling / manipulative (and as I understand it, deadbeat) husband.

His friend probably means well, but there's likely to be an element of projection going on here - she wants you to do what she did, because then what she did is the right thing to do, if you know what I mean. If you turned round, laughed in her face, and said, 'He's feeding us both a line, I can't believe you fell for it!', then it confirms her own sinking suspicions that she too is being played for a fool, and settling for something really, really crap...

another20 · 15/01/2018 20:06

Bang on yrhengi - funny that this friend has a toxic DH and toxic friend (yourEx) - seems this might be her normal.

But she will be in denial and it will unsettle her - so keep away from her as well as who knows what is triggering her or what her agenda is.

KOKO

user764329056 · 15/01/2018 20:18

Zoo, no he didn’t have cancer, it was all part of the manipulation

SeaEagleFeather · 15/01/2018 20:55

It's what she's familiar with so she might not have any idea what a normal healthy relationship is. She does seem to have hooked up with a controlling husband and a controlling friend, which says more about her than you.

OnTheRise · 16/01/2018 07:33

My mother has had numerous "strokes", including a few stays in hospital. She has always insisted that no one visit her while she's in hospital. I suspect because then no one will talk to the nurses or doctors and find out there's nothing wrong with her.

When she doesn't get her own way she puts on her "stroke face" and "stroke voice". It's really bizarre. She used to have "chest pains" but realised pretty quickly that the ECGs she was given showed up her lies.

Zoo, I'm almost certain your ex hasn't had the illnesses his friend is claiming (note that she might not realise this). But even if he has had them, he is your EX. It is not your business anymore.

As for his friend telling you that your relationship wasn't as bad as you've said: well, that's not her business and it never was. Tell her to poke her nose out.

Original poster
Zoo33 · 16/01/2018 10:55

Thanks guys. I had a long chat (via WhatsApp) with him last night and now feel surprisingly at peace. I'm still very much mourning the loss of the baby and our future, but when I said I didn't love him anymore it felt a little bit less like a lie. I need space and time to heal now.

I haven't made contact with his friend, I couldn't be bothered to tell her to keep out of it.

OP posts:
another20 · 16/01/2018 10:56

My MIL is the same - has “falls” that involve breaking into the property and paramedics being called out - she has had 4 in the last 2 years - all involving a hospital stay for tests - never a scratch, bruise, swelling, strain as ever been found. But it is like a whistle - family down tools and come running. Drama Lama shit from a controlling narc. I just sit back and watch the panto / circus.

another20 · 16/01/2018 10:58

Will he give you the space and time to heal? Has he agreed to that?

another20 · 16/01/2018 11:11

Beware the charm offensive - another reeling in technique when the hysteria doesn’t work. You will heal better with zero contact - look at the 30 day NC thread on the for support.

Original poster
Zoo33 · 16/01/2018 11:45

@another20 He hasn't agreed to anything but I can always block him again. I can't believe how calm I feel at the moment. I hope it lasts (even if only for a little while)

I think I'm on one of NC threads (but as I'm intermittently talking to him I feel a bit like a fraud).

Planning holidays over the coming months, investigating a change of career direction and location and buying a house is all helping me though.

OP posts:
another20 · 16/01/2018 12:22

You are doing well - keep strong and focused. I am glad you are calm - you know you have made the right decision. The only one who can knock you from this peaceful place is him - so decide if you need to expose yourself to this.

Did he give details of the mystery heart infection?

another20 · 16/01/2018 12:28

It is a whole calendar month today since your first post and when you left. That’s great distance - keep it up. Always good to look back at how far you have come.....but keep looking forward to to all of the great things you have planned.

Original poster
Zoo33 · 16/01/2018 13:26

Thanks @another20 I can't quite believe it's been a month - 5 weeks tomorrow since I left to go to my parents' for some space. It's been very hard but hopefully the worst is now behind me.

He hasn't really said much, just to say he's in quite a lot of pain but has got an appointment tomorrow for more tests and is waiting for a specialist referral to come through. I'm still undecided but it doesn't really matter what I think anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoo33 · 16/01/2018 13:29

What's also amazing (to me) is that I'm contemplating lunch today for the first time in over a month.

OP posts:
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