Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Apart from the issue of your safety, which you shouldn't underestimate, an actual cut off of the stalking will help you move forward.

All of his attempts at contact, via your work, your friends, family and yourself (the stupid request)are about still being in your head, and therefore your life. Even speculating about his motives in contacting you is doing that. And I agree re the advice from your counsellor. He is a dangerous abuser, and will have felt enabled and empowered by your request re the money owed. It may be encouraging still.

Contacting the police is the right thing to do now. He has previous form at least once. Don't let him escalate. I don't want to frighten you but you know that men have, and can simply turn up at a workplace, or a gym or whatever and murder an (ex) partner. There have been recent examples. Often, despite the anxieties of friends and family the victims didn't believe it would happen. Please don't be one of them.

Thank you all for you words. We've spoken as I was super angry at an email exchange between him and my parents. We shouted and I've told him if he tries to contact me again I will call the police. He's on their radar anyway. He said he's not paying me that money which is actually what I needed to hear - now I can let it go. I just needed to try. I'm so so angry but in a relieved way. I'm furious that I wasted 4 years on such a shit.

His email to my mother was so full of bullshit. He's so deluded he's convinced himself that he's been wronged and he and I would be happy if she hadn't got involved. As if I can't make my own decisions - I just happened to listen to her on this because she's right. He thinks I'm a coward and a liar. I know I'm so lucky to have got away from him. He's crazy.

@sosks I'm so sorry to hear you've been through such shit. Losing a baby at 9/10 weeks was horrific enough, I really feel for you and can't imagine how that must have felt. I've had a very large glass of wine tonight and am trying to focus on the future instead - it's exciting and very scary, but I (and you) deserve so much more.

You are not away ftom him. And in fact he has drawn you back in. You may not want to hear it but that is what has happened. He wont believe you re the police. Why should he?

Regardless of what you told him, call the police and log it all if nothing else. Protect yourself. This is the most dangerous point for you, when he may be thinking you have actually escaped. A warning visit by the police might be what stops him escalaing it.

Ring Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service and get some help - they'll support you as they understand. The level of harassment and stalking is untoward and it needs stopping but in the right way - not all the police understand - go to Paladin - they have advocates there

Good luck - he's a nasty prick and great you are away from him. This is not love but control and possession - he'd make a lousy, unfit parent and partner.

Do your friends and family know he has a police record ? Do they know the extent of his behaviour? I doubt it otherwise they would never have got into dialogue with him.

It is really important that they know what they are dealing with so that they can protect you and behave appropriately.

The anger reaction from you will be an amazing kinky kick for him as he will know he has provoked you, unsettled and controlled you. You are now weakened and vulnerable and he will know this and use this opportunity to punish you.

As other have said - this is a really dangerous time for you.

What is your reluctance to call the police ?

What did he do to his last partner !?

Paladin sounds good, if you can't quite bring yourself to go to the police.

Please wake up here, this is a dangerous man. You are still thinking as if he's normal, because you got angry with him.

He isn't. He is deeply irrational and you -cannot- get through to him. There is no point being angry with him, except to process your own emotions, because he cannot interact with you. As others have said, by ringing him you have given him what he wants.

You aren't being your own best friend here, and you need to be.

Good luck with the completion.....hope that all is going well for you. X

Hi @another20 I completed yesterday! I'm so excited. X

Congratulations - delighted for you. Thats a brilliant achievement. What’s the next step - do you have to find a job there before you give in your notice here?

@another20 Thanks! I probably should have done it that way, but I resigned yesterday and plan to find a job between now and when I finish. I have 12 weeks notice so have some time and I've got some savings to fall back on if I don't work for a month or two.

Wow another significant shift - thats great, well done.

Dare I ask what the nasty psycho has been up to this week?

You probably don't want to know!

He's been begging me to call him (which I haven't done) and last week he sent a pretty vile email to my mother (so she's now blocked him too). I've contacted Hotmail / Microsoft to try to get him blocked as it wouldn't block one of his email addresses. He seems to have stopped calling me at work now that all my calls go straight to my PA (she takes no nonsense and has been told I don't want any messages passed on).

I feel good right now. My counsellor said how much happier I seemed.

You do know that this will not stop don’t you?

He will turn up in person, outside your work etc. He most probably has already been physically hanging about places that you have been.

He is escalating by the day by sending malicious material to your mother and is getting angrier and angrier.

Can you see where this is going? He will not stop - he has no boundaries - he already has a police record for I assume, similar behaviour (or worse) but this is not enough to keep him in check.

Why do you think that you can manage this nutter alone - when you have been unsuccessful over the past 6 months. What is your red line to report to police or seek help from Paladin?

zoo I've been lurking on your thread for ages.

You have been so strong. Just think.. if you cave now, the last 5/6 months of struggle and heartache would've been for nothing.

Listen to the wise posters that have been advising you since the beginning.

You can do this!

The thing about abusive and controlling relationships is that they continue after physical separation. for both parties. As evidenced by the police visit after he was with you.

He is contacting you, and you are enabling him. Because you are still in the cycle of abuse and control. He is stalking you and abusing your DM. He has escalated as is often the case, not stopped. Even if you feel that you are not engaging, you are. By not getting it stopped. I know it is harsh, but sadly I have been there so am speaking from experience. Appeasing doesn't work. There may also be an element of you finding it difficult to really go no contact properly, I get that. You aren't speaking to him, but you know he is still there trying to talk to you, and you are struggling to let that go. That's where other support and counselling, geared towards this type of abuse might help. As well as what you are already doing.

Finally, been said before. Up to three women a week can be killed by (ex) partners in the UK Not all were physically abusive beforehand. They don't always just kill their partners either. Sadly, children, sisters and mothers have been killed to. Please think about this.

I've had a long chat with my parents and my counsellor and I'm going to report him. You're all right, he's not going to stop. Even if I don't think he'd harm me, I couldn't live with myself if he did this (or worse!) to the next woman when I could have done/said something.

So my question is: do I speak to the National Stalking Helpline (to get advice?), do I call Paladin (again for advice, or can either of these actually do something?) or do I speak to the local police? Ideally I'd like someone to talk quietly to him to say he needs to stop this behaviour which I guess is more in the police's remit?

My counsellor suggested getting a non molestation order which sounds pretty good - I know that's a court thing but can the stalking people assist with that?

I'm off to collect the keys to my new house!! I'm oddly a bit scared.

I think either of those can talk you through the steps you need to take which I think will likely include talking to the police.

Enjoy your new home

Speak to NS & P for max support for YOU in the immediate and medium term - but you must involve the police. They will know what the best process to manage him - protect you and others. Good luck with the new house - hope he doesn’t pollute that xx

Yes. Speaking to both will be helpful. A non molestation order is the way to go imo. Will mean he has to stop or face the consequences. And you will feel safer.

He is I think far past a quiet word given his previous. But all that's on him remember. And you are right. This will not only protect and empower you but potentially other women too.

Enjoy the new house!

Women's Aid should help you get a non mol

Thanks all. That's going to be a fun conversation for Tuesday.

I'm at a family wedding this weekend and had a bit of a meltdown during the groom's speech. It hurts like hell knowing I nearly married a man who could never have loved me the way my cousin loves his new wife, or whose parents in law love him like a son.

It brought all the unfairness back. I don't regret leaving him for a second but please tell me the pain gets easier to handle.

It didn't help that there were so many pregnant women there today - by rights I shouldn't have been there at all as I'd have been 4 days away from giving birth (or, if family tradition holds, I'd have had a premature newborn).

It isn't fair. You will feel better. You are so much better off. He would have ruined your life and that of any DC. No help for you I know and thinking of you and your loss.

It does, zoo, it does