Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

How did the conversation end? Did you tell him “No.” or that you would think about it?

What happens next?

How did your Dad asking him for the money play out? Are you moving away soon - can he still track you down. You need to keep being strong - you are doing great. Silence, indifference and calm detachment are your weapons of choice here.

@another20 I told him I would think about it because I'm a wimp and was rather gobsmacked at what he was asking me. Then I walked away while he was trying to call me back.

My stepdad's requests for money on my behalf fell on deaf ears. Surprise surprise. I will be moving in a few months (hopefully completing next week)! If I stay in the career I'm in then he will be able to track me down job wise as it's public record. Otherwise he'll only know the town I'm moving to (because it's where I said I'd always like to move to so he guessed that's where I'm going).

I feel really good though, even after yesterday's nonsense. I've also just booked a fantastic holiday which probably helps. I'll be starting my new life broke and unemployed (unless I land a job while I work my notice period) but at least I'll be free of him. I can't wait.

You are not a wimp - you were just caught unawares at that moment. He has followed the script here to the letter — but you are doing great. Get a response to him in writing from someone else’s text/email ASAP that says ‘No. Don’t contact me again’ - if possible ask colleagues to screen calls for next few days / weeks. You are strong with a wonderful like to look forward to. How is the counselling going?

No, not a wimp. You're doing great.

The counselling is going well I think. Session 4 is tomorrow. She's really nice and I cry a fair amount but in a healing way I hope. It's hard to know what you can get out of counselling but just talking to someone impartial who's seen it all before helps (especially when she says things like "he's dangerous" or "that's not normal" - after all, she'd know and that means a lot). I can't wait to hear what she makes of this latest nonsense. She's had several miscarriages and so although she now has children, she really understands how painful it is.

The most interesting revelation for me when I saw him and when he was going on about how he still loved me and wanted a baby with me, was that I don't want one with him. I would far rather do it alone than go near him. Of course I want a baby with someone who loves me, but that's not him. He hasn't, can't and won't ever be what I need and that's fine. I'm so angry at him for putting me in this situation and for treating me so badly, but I don't want him. It's pretty liberating realising that.

That is a massive step forward zoo. Maybe this is the turning point, you can really start to get him and his awful manipulations out of your head because you're seeing -him- and not being pulled and pushed by manipulations.

You really have come a long way. There is no going back now - you are in anger mode which will power you through the processing stage so that you will be indifferent to him and be able to see dangerous traits and red flags in future relationships. Congratulations.

Well today was interesting. My counsellor (in non-counsellor, angry on my behalf as a woman mode) suggested I tell him if he put the money in my account by the end of the day then I'd give serious thought to writing the reference (of course I had no intention of writing it, but that's not technically a lie as I'd still be "considering" it). She said at best I'd get the money and tell him no to the reference, at worst I'd get no money and wouldn't need to bother saying no.

His immediate response was that I was being unfair and was blackmailing him. His parting shot when I failed to respond (or read) any of his emails was comedy gold...

Apparently I'm selfish, care about no one but myself, and am so cruel he never in a million years thought I'd be that cruel. He's crazy. I feel enraged but liberated.

Maybe now that he thinks I'm such an awful person he'll actually fuck off and leave me alone.

zoo, stop thinking that -any- rationality will apply to him.

rejoice in your cruelty and selfishness, go out, care about your real friends and family, and live.

Just sometimes you come across people whose brains, sometimes for physical reasons, are so far gone that you cannot communicate with them at any meaningful level. Mostly they are very old, sometimes they are ill and occasionally they are young but very deeply damaged. He is in the last category.

Nothing you can do will reach any genuine person that remains inside him. Remember, he has a conviction for not leaving his ex alone, and that in an age where it is very, very, very hard to get police interest.

He is irrational at the deepest level. Be sad for him and be sad for the time you lost, but be damn glad you're out.

@SeaEagleFeather "rejoice in your cruelty and selfishness" - I love this!

He's so damaged and irrational it's scary and so very sad. I don't know why I keep thinking there's a rational person in there when there so clearly isn't. I am sad for what I've lost but I'm bloody glad I'm not still in a relationship with him (or more likely, marrying him).

I've had to have all my incoming calls at work diverted to the team secretary. He keeps calling. He emailed my mother today asking to talk and she sent him a very scathing reply - I knew nothing about this to which he basically called me a liar.

In other news, I've exchanged today! Completion is next week. I'm so excited but also scared.

Great news about the house! This level of stalking of you is frightening.
I'd really consider passing it all onto the police, if you've not already done so.

Not trying to scare you but he may try to escalate it all.

You do need to take this to the police zoo. Your company is going to get sick of this very soon. He's impacted your life very negatively from mental well being to finances and it would be shit if he ruins your job too.

I think you need to wake up here.

definitely time to speak to the police!

You have a responsibility to call the police. Why are you reluctant to do this. He has form. This will escalate for you.

If you can’t do it for yourself - do it for his next victim - I am sure you don’t want anyone else to suffer as you have. It might even help him.

Your in-action is enabling him. Step up.

Do you know what he did to his last partner to get a police record?

I also have concerns regarding the advice given by your counsellor to engage in game playing with this dangerous man

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I've not read all of the pages (just the last few) but I know how hard this is. I'm not long out of a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship myself, a lot of your accounts of your ex sound like him actually.

We'd also lost a baby, my son was stillborn at full term last year in August. So I completely agree your friend could have told you privately, but I've found people often don't think to be sensitive in these ways. I get the feeling of wanting a baby, but not with him too. In fact, a whole lot of what you've said really resonates with what I've been through!

Your ex trying the whole co-parenting reference thing is just trying to get at you because you don't want a baby with him. My ex told me, after the split, that if I didn't have a baby with him then he never would have kids. To try and guilt someone like that is horrendous, but that's what these assholes are like! I'm glad you stuck it to him and that your counsellor has been supportive, she sounds like a good match for you.

Onwards and upwards

also, agree with PP - gather your evidence and report to police please!

I am quite worried about this man. I don’t mean to scare you but someone who repeatedly calls a persons place of work does not have a good view on the reality of the situation. He’s clearly not concerned about his behaviour or that other people know how he is behaving. I think it is highly likely it may escalate.

Please call the police and report him.

It might be worthwhile speaking with the police and or his ex to understand his modus operandi - so that you are best placed to protect yourself as this is likely to come your way. I think up-thread you said he had told what had happened and either it was a misunderstanding or something - don’t believe a word he has said. Also is the Mother of the child he wants to have access to the same woman he has a police record for?

That advice from your counsellor was really, really bad, and I'm surprised she offered it off the record. You need to cut all ties with this man, who - it can't be stated often enough - has convictions for harrassment, and collate all the hard evidence of his harrassment of you so it's ready to hand over to the police should anything happen.

Don't get into tit-for-tat discussions over a few thousand pounds; he now knows that's a hook he can use to reel you in. In the bigger scheme of things, that's what you paid to free yourself of this disturbed man, and it was a bargain.