Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

I've had nearly 3 weeks off in the last 6 months because of miscarriage related stuff but can't see a way forward emotionally at the moment. I feel like I'm at rock bottom again.

zoo, you aren't. You can't see it at the moment but you're taking small steps to freedom. Your session a couple days ago really rocked you didn't it? Take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to. Favourite books and things around you.

A few days off might be a really good idea, as long as you don't turn in on yourself. Could you go away for a few days?

@SeaEagleFeather I think it was a combination of the counselling session and my friend's pregnancy announcement on Facebook. That really hurt. I understand that she might have felt it was too difficult to talk to me about it, although I messaged her to say congratulations and she's ignored me so I'm starting to think she just didn't want to bother. I guess that's when you find out who your true friends are. I really thought she was one of them.

I'm off on holiday in 2 weeks but getting there feels like wading through treacle. I just want to go to my mum's and hide from the world.

Yeah, not everyone is as good a friend as you think, are they .. though sometimes you find thick-and-thin friends in the oddest places.

Day by day, hour by hour. Can you go to your mum's tomorrow maybe?

I could go for the day although it's a 250 mile round trip. I have a prior commitment (holiday related), although I could get out of it as long as I pay up. Mum's unlikely to be there though as she's caring for my 95 year old grandmother who isn't doing very well.

It's shit. She should have told you no matter how difficult it was imo. But it is what it is.

You are progressing amazingly. But it wont always feel good. And it's not linear in terms of how you feel. You are grieving at a number of levels. That's allowed and a good thing even though he is a controlling abusive arsehole.

See your doctor again to talk through options. Don't see him under any circumstances. He will see it as slippage (which it will be). And of course you can't insist on getting money or anything else back. Even if he has it to give he won't. All about the control. It is infuriating. It is not fair but as the song says. Let it go.

I've been signed off work for 2 weeks with anxiety. I think I just need to get away from here for a bit and recharge.

I'm haunted by the happy bump and engagement ring photo she posted. It probably sounds pathetic .

Recharging sounds like a good idea. Facebook causes anxiety for me so I have a break every now and then. It might help to have a facebook holiday too.

@couchparsnip I'm very tempted to. Facebook presents such an idyllic perfect life, which is often so untrue - people quite reasonably don't want to show the shit bits, but when you're feeling vulnerable it seems like everyone's life is perfect which makes your own look and feel even worse.

Do you close your account down temporarily or just exert extraordinary willpower not to check it?

@MsPavlichenko I don't intend to contact him. My brother suggested writing a letter demanding the money - in my non-litigious role it sounds like a letter before action, in which case I can later decide to pursue it in court. Not sure I have the energy or motivation for that but at least it keeps my options open. Without having to see him which is always a bonus. I don't know, my counsellor reckons I'll never see it again which I'm starting to agree with - I need to decide what's the best route for my mental health.

I knew this wouldn't be a linear process but I hadn't expected this many massive ups and downs. How anyone gets through this intact is amazing. You and everyone else that's been through this are an incredible inspiration.

And I cannot thank you all enough for helping me through this. It's hard enough when so few people understand and think you should just "get over it".

Facebook - I delete the app so it's not there with it's little red "read me" updates. I only last a week but I do find I'm more relaxed without it. There's much less unfavourable comparison with other people. As you say it's a perfect world on facebook and who can compete with that!

Also - Can you manage without the money? It seems like it might be better to let it go so you can draw a line under the whole thing.
Hope you are doing better today. If not then we are still here. x

@couchparsnip I'm feeling better today - not being anywhere near him is definitely helping. My dad (who lives abroad) responded with "glad you're feeling better, now go back to work." Very helpful.

I can cope without the money although it would really help with the house buying. I'll just have to save hard before buying all the furniture I need. Who needs a dining table anyway??

Well done on deleting Facebook. X

What is it with the men in my life?? My dad has dropped me in it with my brother and my step dad has emailed my ex to try to sort out the money situation despite me asking him not to get involved.

I've been hiding at my mum's for the last week or so, but am heading back to London later. I can already feel the anxiety ramping up even though I'm only there til Saturday before going on holiday. I need to work on coping better.

Try and take it half a day at a time

If you feel the anxiety getting too much try the 7-11 breathing exercise. In for 7 out for eleven. X

Agree on tips on anxiety. Remember this too is a process.

Re the men in your life. Past and present. May be worth considering in the longer term. Freedom Programme will be helpful in helping you here.

KOKO. You are doing amazingly well.

At least I know it's not me being bitter - just found out another good friend is pregnant after miscarrying last year. I'm genuinely delighted for them.

Dickhead ex however has asked me to give him a character reference so he can apply to coparent. I'm astounded he a) has no one else to ask and b) can possibly think I'm a good person to ask. What planet is he on??? I can't possibly give him a good one and lie about it for something like that. He's insane.

Planet anything to reel you back in/let him in your head. He wont really think that you will do this. He just wants you thinking about him.

How did he get in touch, hadn't you blocked him and family and friends?

Either way ignore ignore ignore.

@MsPavlichenko He rang me at work. I can't avoid unknown numbers as half my clients use them.

This isn't a genuine request.
It's a feeble attempt to play mind games with you.

It shows the depths of cruelty that he is prepared to reach to hurt you.
Treat this with the contempt that it deserves.

The opposite of love is not hate - it is indifference.
Block, ignore, remain silent.

How pathetic he is. If he calls again I'd simply tell him not to do so again. If he does hang up. If he continues then report. You can say no to his request first if hou want but you owe him no explanations.

And again he is simply trying to get you to engage. Don't for your own sake.

How long did it take you to stop laughing? what a request!

I hope it hasn't reawakened all the huge bundle of crap for you. lovetheme is right, when you can reach indifference or simply distaste it will be best, but it takes a long time sometimes.

As everyone says, don't engage.

I felt relatively indifferent about what the request meant (that he wants a baby) but I'm furious that he had the nerve to ask me.