Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

For gods sake. His best friend has now messaged me saying it's imperative that he speak to me and that he only needs 5 mins. What on earth could possibly be that important?? I don't know whether to laugh or scream.

flying monkey?

Looks like it. I thought she was better than that. Apparently he cares for me hugely. Well he's done a piss poor job of showing me and has treated me horrendously for the last 4 years.

Tell her you will let her know when it’s convenient. Then block her on everything and ignore x

It's not like he's going to have anything new to say that hasn't already been said a million times over the last 3 months. He's still messing with my bloody head.

this the same one as before?

She needs blocking

Every contact, every single contact from him/the flying monkeys, is raising your stress levels. You can't fully break free until he is present only in your memories and not in your daily life. When you get external reminders, it stops the breaking-free process, which is difficult enough emotionally.

actually I'd say back to her "he's had 4 years and was never there. I need and want much, much better in my life. The only contact I want is an envelope through the door with the money he owes me and nothing else, ever".

She's really his catspaw.

Stick to the same thing "I don't live him anymore, nothing to discuss" then block.

Yes I do think it's time to chat to the police btw

in fact (oops, 3rd post) it might be worth texting back

"I understand now why his last GF had to go to the police. I hope I don't have to go down that route, it would be a shame for him to get a second conviction, but it's starting to look like I need to"

Thanks guys. This is actually a different friend and she doesn't know about the conviction.

"You guys made an awesome couple." Easy to say when you have no idea what the relationship is really like or how I felt I had to tread so so carefully to avoid angering him over the slightest thing. I've told her I'm thinking of going to the police. Maybe that much will filter through to him.

You need to just stop this back and for nonsense and quit responding to him, his family and friends. After reading all your thread it sounds like you are now playing with his emotions. I don't want to come across harshly, just going by what I've read.

Is that what everyone else thinks? That I'm playing with his emotions?

Eh no, what a lot of shit. You're not 'playing with his emotions', you're doing really well to extract yourself as painlessly as possible from a shit situation that has gone on too long, and you're not responsible for his emotions or the opinions of his flying monkeys.

No. You are not. But by engaging with him at any level, even by talking or responding to his friends you are still in contact with him. In his head if not your own.

Block him. Block all his friends and family if they contact you. Deactivate FB so you don't see anything about him.

If you have told him you will contact the police if he gets in touch do so however he does it. Directly or through others. If he doesn't already know get a friend to let him know you will do so.

And KOKO getting him out of your head. Including not worrying about his thoughts/motivations or what other folk think.

Good lord no you're not playing with his emotions; he's highly abusive.

But you do need to stop engaging, yes.

I do need to stop engaging, you're absolutely right. I'm doing my utmost here and really struggling, so it was a bit of a shock to have the tables turned and (rightly or wrongly) be made to feel like I'm the bad person here. Nothing prepares you for this.

Hey zoo how are you doing tonight?

They are expert mind fuckers never forget that

I feel horribly blue and lost this evening. His declarations of love via his friend really hurt, even though I know it's all garbage.

How are you doing this evening?? Your strength and determination are truly amazing!

And those feelings are why you need to stop engaging at any level with him/friends/family.

You won't move on otherwise.

Sorry I’ve been busy. I’m fine. Did any of those declarations of love actually acknowledge you and your feelings? Or was it all what he feels?

They won’t change. They are fishermen your ex and mine. They are trying to reel us in. Be strong.

@Thisisanewbeginning It was all how I and the life we created were the best things to ever happen to him and how he'll always love me. He's said he'll leave me alone now, I assume because I threatened to go to the police, although I don't quite believe that - it took several arrests and a breach of court order before he left his ex alone, so I doubt it'll be so simple but I can hope.

I've blocked his friends now, all of those I've ever communicated with on Facebook. Deactivating FB will be the next step I guess if that's not enough.

It was all how I and the life we created were the best things to ever happen to him and how he'll always love me

You know he's said this to his ex, right? And he'll say it to the next woman who walks into a relationship with him, all unknowing what's in store?

He's a very damaged man; no healthy person is so callous to their partner when they feel secure, and so needy and unwilling to let go when their partner has had enough; and has such a genuine problem perceiving the reality of the situation, that you don't love him and don't want to be with him.

But you, sure as heck is heck, can't help or cure him. Also, his 'damagedness' is blended with extreme selfishness. He probably won't change.

@SeaEagleFeather Yep, although I suspect he was talking about the baby by "life we created" but the principle is still the same. No, he won't change and it's certainly not my problem anymore.