Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Hi @Cricrichan I don't have any proof that he owes me the money. I bought some computer equipment to mine bitcoins and he kept promising to transfer me my share of what we'd mined. (I let him handle it as I'm completely clueless.) So the money is my share of that and repayment for the computer which he's kept. It's also half the money he owes me for the survey and legal fees on the houses we were buying as I paid for it all because he had no spare cash. He's been pretty clever in not acknowledging any of it in writing. Doubtful that's enough to go on so I need to write it off and move on...

I am much better out of it and I know I've had a lucky escape (I realise that every time I see him and yet I still go back for more).

The last email I read of his last night said he's done as there's only so much rejection he can take. I don't believe him.

@MsPavlichenko It's daft - I read all these things on coercion and control and think, that's not him, it can't be. I'm still making excuses aren't I?

What I should have said there is that it's insane how badly men like this muck with our heads and emotions. I feel like I need to be rewired to get over him.

His lashing out and saying I clearly didn't love him if I can do this and that I just wanted to start a family with him because he was there and it was convenient is just crazy and hurtful.

I had to give a training session at work today - I hate public speaking of any type so was hoping my nerves were because of that. It's done but I still feel hideously unsettled, so I'm blaming him.

Zoo. It sounds so familiar and it isn't you. I don't know what the term is but basically making everything that they are guilty of as if it was you doing it but it's them. You sound so so lovely and caring and empathetic. It's definitely him and not you. Unfortunately/fortunately you aren't that many years down the line (it took me over 10 years). Please save yourself and don't contact him ever again.

Hey zoo I’ve been reading your thread. I’ve got my own thread at the moment about ending my relationship with a controlling man.

It’s hard but I’m resolute. I feel sick as the count down gets closer. But I know I’m worth more. I’ve wasted enough time bending over backwards to make someone else happy. And I can’t. Because he cannot change and I can’t make him.

I hope you get out.

'm still making excuses aren't I?

Yes, lovely, you are. I'm not sure yet you can realise that he really is a thorough going shit. You're still believing him and what he says.

Would it help to take a long look at his -actions- rather than his words? To write down what he says in one column and what he actually did/does?

It's hard, but I think you need to face that you're still hoping he's reasonable. He's not, and he's so far unreasonable that he's got a criminal conviction.

You know how much you don't want to go to the police. There's a good chance his ex was the same. Consider how much it must have taken for her to go .... he's not ever going to be reasonable

sorry for incoherence, v tired.

@Thisisanewbeginning I've been following your thread and think you're so incredibly brave - we never quite got to the engagement / wedding planning part and that was hard enough. On a separate note I have a tattoo and he hated it! I'm out but struggling to stay out. I hope you stay strong and resolute.

@Cricrichan I don't plan to contact him again, it's too exhausting and I feel emotionally battered enough as it is. I'm lucky that I saw the light (so to speak) after 4 years - I can't imagine how hard it must have been after 10 years.

@SeaEagleFeather I think that's a marvellous idea. I love lists and I suspect that one will be particularly brutal / enlightening to write. He's not reasonable and never will be. He probably never was but I couldn't see it.

I'm still waiting for FB to let me block him again...

He thinks we had a "tiff" the other day. And I thought I was the deluded one!

I know he's not blocked again yet but you should simply delete messages unread. He gets into your head otherwise even if it provokes a negative reaction. And he sees you have read it. Win for him.

As I said why not shut your account down for a while? He can't use others to spy on you then .

Zoo just deactivate your account or set up a new one .

Blocked him!!

I'm not at work next week either so unless he flies out to crash my holiday (although he does know where I'll be), he can't lash out, whinge, make me feel guilty m, ring me or anything for a whole week!

No matter what he does . This week or next. You have to ignore ignore ignore. Report if necessary. Even if he crashes your holiday. It wont be a romantic gesture. It will be scary stalking and a sign of him lying re the money too.

That last post was all about him. I do know it's hard but you need to force him out of your head. Be careful and safe but stop speculating about him/ his motives and so on. Even if you have to ping an elastic band on your wrist!

Enjoy the break.

Just read a thread about a woman's partner who tried to commit suicide and how she's really struggling to forgive him. I tried it, I'm ashamed about it. But he didn't seem to care. I only told my family and closest friends about it over a year later and they were devastated that I was in such a bad place to have tried that and not said anything to anybody. But he didn't seem to care. That's pretty awful, isn't it?

Oh Christ zoo. So sorry to hear that.

Yes, it's awful. This man claims to love you but he doesn't, does he? and never did. He just needs to feel you, his possession, are around. HOW you are doesn't matter.

My god, if you do fully break free of him, your mental health is going to slowly improve out of all recognition!

I can't agree more he is likely the driving cause behind your ill health. He doesn't even know what love is, please be kind to yourself.

Thanks guys. I haven't tried it since as it was a bloody stupid thing to have done and even through all of this shit it hasn't crossed my mind. But that was when we were "happy" together... I should have got out sooner. What strikes me now though is comparing his reaction to other people's (like on that other thread). It's very telling.

My step mother passed away last night. She was very ill and very unhappy, so it's merciful she went so quickly.

I know he'd say life is too short to be apart blah blah blah, but for me it's definitely a realisation that the point is that actually life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship.

Sorry to hear about your stepmother though it sounds like a release for her.

As you say, life is far too short to be in an unhappy relationship. Again, it's clear that actually, he didn't care about -you-, the person you are. You deserve a relationship where you can flower.

I think the petty twat has signed up my email address to loads of spam sites. I've been getting FAR more spam than usual.

is that his best effort!! Petty indeed.

As long as he doesn't ramp things up then I can put up with this. I should return the favour really, I do have 5 of his email addresses...

Just don't engage with the bugger.

You know this really ... :)

@SeaEagleFeather Yeah I know, I won't do it, if only because I'm not as petty as he is. Now I'd like to get him out of my head...