Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

He kept ringing me at work this afternoon although I've ignored them all. My boss just gave him an earful! She shouldn't have had to though.

He's really not taking no for an answer is he. I think you need to report him, sorry. I know you don't want to, but this is not flattering, its' scary.

Yes. He is clearly moving into stalkerish behaviour. It may escalate into attempting physical contact as you continue to ignore him.

Seiously consider telling the police. Given his history it will be taken seriously. And if he turns up you can call them straight away. I suspect the constant calling/emailing will warrant a visit to him.

Please don't think he wont escalate into actual violence either. He is recognising he has lost control and this is a dangerous time.

There is nothing to lose by calling police. If he simply gives up, well good and well. If not you are protected.

He kept ringing me at work this afternoon although I've ignored them all

ok you really do need to go to the police now. He hasn't learned from the last time.

I have no intention of responding, I've actually managed to block all his email addresses now.

Wow YOU have come such a long way - you should be proud of yourself.

BUT - he has not. He will escalate. He will show up when he knows you are alone. This is serious and dangerous. You cant win here. The NC is agitating him - the telling off from your boss will trigger him.

Please speak to the police urgently.
He has a record for a reason.

You need to go to the police. If you block him he's just going to create a new email address so he can still contact you.

Thanks guys. I'm away this weekend so have no worries about him turning up anywhere. I'll see what (if anything) happens on Monday and will speak to the police if he does anything.

He emailed again yesterday although I haven't read it so I don't know if it's pre or post the telling off from my boss. I have no idea why his emails aren't being successfully blocked. He's asking for an explanation. Aside from miraculously making me feel like I'm the bad person here, is he really so deluded that he doesn't understand why this is happening?? What an idiot.

He understands. He is simply not accepting of your moving out of his control. That is what his is about.

He knows he is now successfully back in your head (where he thinks he ought to be). And that you are thinking/talking/perhaps worrying about him.

Do look again at WA. The book, Living with the Dominator is a revelation, well worth buying.

And again, contact the Police sooner rather than later. Make no assumptions about what he is capable of.

Asking for an explanation is about trying to hook you in again. Any interaction from you is a WIN! moment for him

He's certainly not getting any more explanations. If he's too stupid to have listened and understood the first couple of times I explained things to him, he's not going to start now. I went no contact out of choice and I'm not going to let him break it for me.

He contacted some of my friends this weekend, apparently to try to understand what's happened.

I could also do with you ladies talking me out of a bad idea. He wants to see me to talk (I know this because his emails aren't being blocked for some reason). He also owes me quite a lot of money and although I had written it off as lost, I could really do with it right now. I can't get it out of my head that I could see him AND also get my money. I know it's a terrible idea as I likely wouldn't get the money anyway. Tell me it's not worth it please.

No it's not worth it BUT if you have a friend who can handle him I would pass the message on that when he's repaid the £x he owes you into bank account x y z by direct transfer then you will agree to discuss things with him.

Surely it's a win - if he does repay you the money you can phone him up and say "I don't love you and don't want to be with you" and hang up. Chances are you won't get the money but it's a way of asking without him getting contact with you - terms are crystal clear money into bank account by transfer in full and only then will you speak to him. No cheques, no £10 per time and so on.

It is a disastrous idea. He does understand. He wants to reel you back in and you are weakening.

Don't contact him directly or indirectly. That is a win. He knows he owes you money. Any decent person would habe paid it back or arranged to do so. It is another element of controll. Add this and possibly financial abuse to the rest.

Write the money off. At the very best it will come with strings attached. Tell your friends to ignore or block him
And not to pass on messages. You don't need to hear any of this. It is not helping you, and you are weakening and wanting to see him. This is to be expected but don't do it.

Please look at WA and the book I suggested. He will run rings round you otherwise. He already has a criminal record for stalking. Sadly abusers tend to ramp up the abuse. Keep on walking away.

yes, it's a really bad idea.

one way or the other you will survive financially. Nothing is worth going back to this man, and he's doing everything he can to get you back. I doubt very much you'll see the money because he'll string you along getting you to meet as often as possible.

Write this money off, it's not worth it.

It sounds like he could become rather a nuisance to your friends!

Yes. Any contact, even negative is a win for him and a step back for you. Didn't he spin some story re his X owing money. I'd put money on it being the other way around. It is clearly a tactic that allows him (in his head) to keep in contact.

So predictable....we told you he would do this and that you should get ahead - brief your family, friends and work that he is hounding, harassing and stalking you and not to give him ANY air-time or info - or to report any info back to you as it is triggering and weakens your sustained efforts to keep NC as you are still vulnerable after being enmeshed in an abusive relationship.

YOU need to batten down the hatches harder - as he will escalate and keep kicking harder and going indirect. YOU need to call the police.

These are the actions of a very dangerous man.

He has previous form for this and an associated criminal record.

You need RL support - police / WA / F&F and work on high alert for you.

Are you seeing your counsellor yet? How soon until you move?

Forget the money - it will just be giving him "an in" which he will exploit.

Do not expect him to say "Yes, fair enough, I owe your ££££ - here it is - sorry" NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN

Agreed, it'd be a good idea to warn your friends and relatives - partly for their sake and partly so they know not to pass on anything

The comination of his criminal record for stalking and his behaviour towards you is worrying

Friends are warned. Yes it was predictable.

I've done something stupid and I understand completely if you all think "what a fool" and stop following this thread. I've seen him. I wanted to sound him out about the money. We met up briefly on Monday and then again today. He was hoping I'd see him at the weekend to talk, but it turns out (surprise surprise) that what he actually wants is for me to reassess what's happened and be "open" to changing my mind. Of course he does. He thinks I've come to the decision I have based solely on what other people think and that I'm lying to myself and being hasty.

He's apparently got no money as he's gone on a retail therapy spending spree so I'd have to wait until May for his bonus to be paid (assuming of course he gives me anything out of it, which was totally unlikely anyway).

Things got a bit heated at his end and I walked away and promptly blocked him on FB Messenger again. I feel ok ish although slightly panicked. I was really hoping he'd be reasonable, so naive. I had to try though. I think he rang work but I wasn't at my desk. I don't see how I can go to the police when I keep talking to him.

I'm still waiting for counselling. House purchase is trundling on, hoping to complete in May so I doubt I'll be able to move until August (12 weeks notice at work).

I've ordered that book though - I need to collect it from the post room later.

No they probably won't take it very seriously if you're still meeting up with him and talking to him. Until you fully accept that you need to break contact with him, he won't accept it either. Hopefully this has shown you that there is no 'reasonable' where this guy is concerned. Well done for further blocking him - make it everywhere now and then if he continues you do need to report it.

I can't speak for everyone, but the reason I have volunteered my opinions is in the hope you'd not make the stupid mistakes I did! It's sadly, not always a linear process. He has been in control for such a long time, and over and above that you still care for him (or the person you thought/think he is).

You met him, but you left again, very quickly and blocked again. That's brilliant, so don't beat yourself up about it.

You have tod your family and friends, and your work to not engage/pass messages to you. All good. From now on log anything at all from him, and of call the police. They will be interested already despite you meeting him by the way. That is how coercive control works, and it is a crime by the way.

The money's gone, but a small price to pay for freedom. Look again at WA/Freedom Programme. You can do it online too, although meeting/engaging with other women is eye opening and empowering.

Onwards and Upwards!

Well done for blocking him again KOKO

Why do I feel like I've let myself down for trusting and believing that he'd give me the money back?

I feel broken all over again. This one I should have seen coming.

Emotionally I feel like I've been hit by a bloody bus. I even unblocked him on Facebook this evening thinking he'd come round and be reasonable. I now can't block him again for 24 hours. My pulse is racing and I can't seem to calm down.

It is a hard lesson. But this is who he is. And always has been.

He will ramp it up again so you must be resolute. Block. Ignore. Police. And same for family and friends.

Look at all hou can on control and coercion. It will help you recognise what has been going on and that will help you detach..

He is dangerous. You are coming to terms with that so no surprise you feel like this. Why not deactivate FB for a period ? May help your anxiety tonight and tomorrow.

Hi lovely

I've just read your whole thread. Keep NC with him but also contact the police. His ex had to resort to police involvement. Also, have you got proof that he owes you that money? Maybe seek legal and police advice for that. Maybe even something that he's written? Why did he have that money if yours? Did you lend it to him?

You are so well rid of him. You have no ties to him and you're still very young so have a whole life and chance of being with a proper loving and respectful man.