Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Thanks @jellybellywelly Instead of crying I booked an open day at a fertility clinic to investigate sperm donation.

It's not for everyone I know (and may not be for me ultimately) but given what a PP said about much of my emotional trauma possibly stemming from the miscarriage, I've realised that this may be a route I need to investigate at some point in the future.

I feel so much calmer knowing I still have the option of having a baby even if I don't meet anyone in the next few years. The few people I've tentatively mentioned it to so far have been incredibly supportive of the idea. It wouldn't be cheap but that's a bridge to cross another time.

It's also a big f you to my ex, as he said I'd likely never have a baby unless I stayed with him.

That's great Zoo - just to know you have options is very freeing for you, whether or not you choose to go through with it. But you're still young and have plenty of time to meet someone else if that's the path you want to go down. Just make sure that you get your counselling sorted and work on being happy and having strong boundaries before leaping into anything new.

@MyRelationshipIsWeird Absolutely, I need to work on me before anything else.

I've turned into a bit of a horrible person. A colleague has just (yesterday) had a baby. This is her third and she's only a year or two older than me. I'm trying very hard to be happy for her but I just feel jealous.

I have to cycle past his office on my way in and out of work on my new route. I feel surprisingly detached about it which I guess is good?

Perfectly natural to feel jealous, that doesn’t make you an awful person.

You’re doing really well if you’re able to go near to where he is without it getting to you.

@MyRelationshipIsWeird It probably helps that when I cycle in he hasn't started work yet and when I go past on my way out, he's already left as I work longer hours...

I've just started reading one of the books about psychological abuse I bought a few months ago. Although I still have some lingering doubts as to whether or not that's what I've escaped from and whether or not it was actually as bad as I keep telling myself it was, the author is scarily accurate in her descriptions of what's happened and how it made me feel. It's actually rather terrifying and so depressing.

So much for my semi smug post yesterday (?) about being detached when cycling past his office. I've just had to walk past it and it made me incredibly anxious and tearful. How much longer am I going to feel like this?

Sorry, this yo-yo-ing of emotions is exhausting and I feel like all I do is whinge.

You're detaching from him and abusive men like him get under the skin hard. It'll take some time.

But what you're going through is normal and you -will- come out the other side, and be 100 times better off.

Although I still have some lingering doubts as to whether or not that's what I've escaped from and whether or not it was actually as bad as I keep telling myself it was, the author is scarily accurate in her descriptions of what's happened and how it made me feel.

if the author is accurate in the descriptions, then there is no doubt that it's actually as bad as you think. It's absolutely typical of someone who's been in an abusive relationship to think 'it wasn't that bad' and to even not recognise that some of what happened actually -did- happen. It can seem unrecognisable or unreal, or it can be impossible to fit into the general way you think of the relationship.

Zoo it’s not a linear progression from feeling shit to feeling happy. There will be good days and bad, strong days and days when you just curl up in a ball and cry. It’s all good. Keeping reading that book, it sounds like you’re onto something and regardless of how severe an abuser he was, you’re seeing him in there because he had abusive traits and made you feel bad. (Of course he also made you feel good sometimes, they all do, but that doesn’t cancel out the bad)

Well he's just ruined my day. He emailed me at work and on my personal email this morning from the only email address I'd forgotten to block, asking how I am and saying he doesn't understand why he's been blocked and that he's left me alone for the last 4 weeks (apart from an accidental call last week) because he thought we both needed some space and can I please explain it to him. He doesn't get it. He never will, will he?

I wish I could get him out of my head.

Its early days so don't expect too much from yourself.
Abusive relationships screw with your head, the nice/nasty cycle plus subtle or overt control.Its not rational behaviour so you can't make sense of it.He has either no insight (not good) or he knows what his behaviour is like and wants to hoover you back in.

Try not to think he has ruined your day but that he has caught you unaware and made you feel like you have taken a step back.Go for a walk or do something that soothes you.
Its at times like this you have to practice self care, sit still for a while, analyse your feelings and just acknowledge them until they subside.Tell yourself it won't last forever and perhaps try a positive life affirming mantra.

It just makes me feel like such a fool for thinking he might finally have got the message and given up.

@Hermonie2016 Thats an interesting way of seeing it. If he has no insight at all then it's bad, and if he does and is doing it anyway then it's also bad. Either way it shows him in a pretty poor light.

You said that his previous gf had to get the police involved and that it went to court and he was convicted, so it seems likely that he will keep on at you for some time to come especially as he's now contacted you ... again.

The good thing is that his ex is finally free of him so it is possible! though it did take police involvement.

And another email.

I really don't want to have to engage with him to tell him to leave me alone. I've said it before and he hasn't listened. I thought blocking him everywhere (or so I thought) would be clear enough. I don't owe him any explanations. He's had plenty.

Just read through the thread.

Silence is golden BUT seeing as he has previous form for harassment and can't seem to take no for an answer I would advise calling 101 . It's not fair on you. The police won't see it as silly or a waste of time because they'll see he's done this before and take it seriously. If you want rid of him truly it needs to be done.

@SeaEagleFeather Yes, it took a while but she did break free of him (not sure if having me on scene helped though?)

@ExplodingCarrots Sorry, this thread is probably one very long whinge.

I don't know why I'm so reluctant to get the police involved, even though I spoke to them in December. Hopefully when he doesn't get any joy out of this latest batch of communications he will finally start to realise that it's not going to work. I just need to get onto a computer tonight to block his emails again on my Hotmail...

You are doing so well! Keep going! What you're going through is hard.

It's so hard when you've been together for a long time to just not speak to him. My counsellor advised no contact when she told me my relationship was also abusive/toxic. I said that he'd be sad and that he'd think I was cold and callous. Her reply "So? You know you're not".

I did eventually cave and email him after a month because I wanted to show that I wasn't an awful person for ignoring him, that I recognise my own failings etc but I know now that he will have just seen that as my weaknesses, won't have considered all the ways in which he hurt me. He now just has written evidence that he wasn't all bad and that I wasn't blameless at all. Feel pissed off with myself for even engaging. DON'T REPLY! It's not worth the heartache of opening up a correspondence because whatever you want to get out of it (closure or a sense of doing the right thing etc) that's not what you'll get. You'll get hurt.

It's difficult because regardless of how they've treated you, you don't want them to think badly of you. But bear in mind he will/already does think badly of you, that's why he treated you how he did.

@MyRelationshipIsWeird I'm sorry you caved - these moments of weakness are so hard! I don't think you should be too hard on yourself - does it matter that he thinks he has confirmation that he wasn't all bad? Other than emotionally for you I mean?

I have no intention of responding, I've actually managed to block all his email addresses now.

You're right though. If he wants to think that I'm being cruel and unfair to him (which he has accused me of before because I'm being unreasonable in this course of action) that's his problem.

Thanks @user1499333856

It's mad how much encouragement is needed in a situation like this just to stay strong.

I feel like I need my own little cheerleading squad whenever I feel down. It's probably a bit pathetic really.

Your reluctance to involve the police is a direct result of his abuse/ control. The dynamic remains even after the relationship ends.

Up to you whether you do or not but worth bearing the above in mind. Have you considered the Freedom programme by WA?

we are your cheerleading squad 24/7

Why on earth does anyone need so many different email addresses? That's 5 that I know about. Hotmail isn't doing a very good job of blocking them.

@MsPavlichenko I've looked at it briefly but not truly thought about whether to sign up or not. Mainly because I thought I was getting better...

@dizzy174 Thank you.