Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

I would read that as "I feel I know you really well since your ex has told me everything...' I think you are right to be cautious. Why is she contacting you if she barely knows you? What is likely to have prompted her message?

I've always found that, when all areas of my life are in turmoil, if I deal with the most important thing only and get that sorted the rest seems to be easier and falls into place - so I hang on to that thought and it helps me stop worrying, orherwise If I don't do that I feel overwhelmed and down. If I have a good idea about one of the others matters I write it down ready for when I deal with it. It's a way of managing things.

I don't really do 'woo' stuff but I send out the next matter to be dealt with on my to the 'universe' (LOL) and then can park it for a while! It's probably a load of old tosh but, like a cuppa in a crisis, it can't make things any worse, can it?!

That's a really creepy message! Could it be him pretending to be his friend? I definitely agree it's worth changing your number. It should be quick and easy if you ring your mobile phone company.I'd have thought ??anyone done this and know how long it takes ?

Yes he is behind this all. Trying to get to you.

He does not respect you or your decision to end the relationship or your decision to have no contact with him.

He is going all around the houses with unknown numbers and flying monkeys (the creeeeepy friend) to get what HE wants - not what you have declared you want.

Change your number. Block the friends number. Expect him to "pop up" physically somewhere next - at your work, outside an event/appt, or to contact one of your friends or family etc. Be prepared for this. Warn your workplace, friends and family. Tell them to tell him you have nothing to say and you do not want to hear anything from him and that they wont be passing on any messages or even telling you he has made contact.

He is stalking you.

He is not respecting your boundaries. This is illegal.

You need to think about having the police involved to have a word or (PIN) as he will not stop. He will wait for a response to the friend and then when none comes will be plotting his next move. These people are dangerous.

You have done really well. You are incredibly resilient to leave, to block him, to be buying a house, moving away, getting a new job, picking up with friends, moving into a new house share .... that is a lot of distance you are putting in between you and a lot that you have done to rebuild a spanking sparkly new life. You should be proud of everything you have achieved and aware that this is also exhausting which leaves you vulnerable. So take it easy - and try to prioritise the counselling as you will need strong emotional support once you start having the PTSD insights to things he did to control and abuse you.

www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/stalking-and-harassment

The stalking is eating away at you and draining you of your finite emotional energy that you need to heal from your MC and life with him - so that you can have a new life. Don't let him have this and delay your future happiness any further.

It's done. My number has been changed. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.

De lurking. Been following and admiring how resolute you are. Well Done again!

Thanks guys, your support really means a lot to me. Healing is such a long painful process, isn't it?

ye gods you're not wrong. That's creepy alright. Good thing you've changed the number.

Glad a weight has been lifted off you but zoo, please go to the police.

This guy has harassed you (70+ calls in a night!) and got other people to harass you. He's lied about life-threatening illness and I think another is right, you haven't heard the last of him. I don't think going to the police need be a huge deal, but it's really the sensible thing to do.

Well done for changing your number, but yes if he finds another way to contact you (he sounds determined) police is the right way to go. It’s not an overreaction - they will be able to put a marker on your address so that if anything happens they know they need to get there ASAP. These type of people don’t handle rejection well and often it’s when they flip. I hope not for your sake, but be aware of it. Be on the lookout for him lurking

I know it seems a long, long way off but I promise it will go quicker than you think possible, but this time next year .........

In the meantime, how lovely to have a dog to share - walking a dog is such an easy way to reconnect with normality.

You are doing wonderfully well!

I have no idea if he'll find another way to contact me. I've been pretty clear about it all, especially now I've changed my number. If he does though then I definitely will go to the police because if he won't respect the steps I've taken to get him out of my life then he never will.

He's probably on their radar anyway given his troubles with his ex and my session with them the morning I moved out.

It's lovely having a dog around! They're so good for the soul.

I do wonder if he's reading any of this. I've given out so much info that he'd know it was me, but I doubt he'd be able to keep quiet if he was.

Well just in case he is reading it....

PISSS OFFF Zoo's stalker! She deserves better than your controlling abusive arse. Leave her in peace or you'll end up with a criminal record.

He may well ramp up contact attempts so you are best to be prepared.

I think you should also be prepared for him getting involved with someone else. And making sure you find out. Primarily as a way of grabbing your attention, but also for his own sake, that is starting to groom another victim.

Enjoy the dog!

@MyRelationshipIsWeird He already has a criminal record... I still think, even despite all this, that it was unwarranted but I'm rapidly losing all sympathy with that and the shit he and I both went through at the time. It wasn't easy but I believed in him but and stuck by him, perhaps I should have walked then.

@MsPavlichenko It'll be really tough if he ends up with someone else so quickly. It sounds ideal because then he'd hopefully leave me alone, but knowing how hard I'm finding it to move on, it'll be really painful to see him shake this off like it was nothing. Even if he is pretending. But I don't want anyone else to go through this. He needs a stronger woman to stand up to him.

He is an abuser. He will not change if a "stronger woman" stands up to him. None of what has happened to you, or previous partners has anything to do with how you reacted. Hold on to that. It is very unlikely that his criminal record is undeserved ime.

You are doing brilliantly. KOKO.

Stronger women still succumb to abusers - this isn’t because you weren’t strong enough to stand up to him. He will continue to treat everyone this way because that’s who he is, and if he moves on quickly and ruins someone else’s life sooner rather than later, that will be good for you.

Doesn’t surprise me that he has a record already or that he has tried to convince you that it’s unwarranted- we all know how these people operate and it isn’t by owning up to their own shit.

Is his criminal record to do with his behaviour towards his ex? If so you might want to consider what he was accused of, in order to prepare and protect yourself as it is likely to be repeated on you.

Yes he will get another partner soon - just to torment and punish you. It won’t be because he has moved on though - as he will make sure you see it flaunt it to hurt you. If you know what he is doing and are prepared it will hurt less. Expect him to be behaving “loved-up” at a venue near you v soon. It will be some unsuspecting person from from Tinder I suspect.

I still think, even despite all this, that it was unwarranted

Really? I don't. Remember he will have told you a very selective account, designed to make you feel sorry for him, and even to give you a bit of a thrill out of "standing by him" and "being loyal".

There's an odd psychological response to doing someone a favour - rather than feeling like the person you have helped "owes" you, you (as the favour-doer) are more likely to feel grateful/indebted to the very person you have just helped*. This weird effect also operates with showing someone loyalty or going out on a limb for them - it makes you feel like you can trust them MORE and makes you eager to demonstrate further sacrifice/trust. Feeling as though you (and you alone) understand him and support him against the injustice of the world can be very seductive - watch out for it in future.

It wasn't easy but I believed in him but and stuck by him

Examine what you just said. It wasn't easy to believe him - because your instincts were screaming at you that something didn't add up. You decided to act as if you believed him, and to squash down your doubts. Why did you do that?

perhaps I should have walked then

Perhaps you should. I'm not saying that to blame you in any way for staying, but to arm you for the future - if you meet a potential partner who has a criminal record but explains to you how it was unfair/not his fault/a technicality/taking the fall to protect someone/someone making up lies about him then consider very strongly walking away at that point and with no further proof.

You don't "owe" a potential (or actual) partner the benefit of the doubt. You aren't compelled to act as if they are 100% trustworthy UNTILL you have solid, undeniable proof that they aren't. It's not somehow "being unfair" not to believe someone if they tell you something that gives you pause. You are allowed to make decisions based on feelings/hunches, on the balance of probability, on the risks involved and for no goddamn reason at all, especially when dating.

Also, well done on changing your number - you are doing AMAZINGLY

*Incidentally, this is why if you're trying to get someone to like you, you should ask them to do you a favour. Don't offer to do one for them - it's not nearly as effective.

You guys don't mince your words! 
I appreciate the directness though.

Yes the criminal record is to do with his ex. When I said it wasn't easy, I meant the trauma of say him being arrested late at night in front of me, rather than not believing him. Maybe you're right about it all, I don't know. It's not really something I want to relive, possibly because I don't want to open myself up to the possibility of having been a naive fool? I'll certainly be more wary in the future, if only because I don't want to get dragged through anything like that again.

@another20 You make it sound like a movie trailer - definitely something to watch out for, however hard it'll be to see it. At least he has no idea where I am anymore (other than at work but so far he's not appeared there). I REALLY hope I haven't just jinxed myself.

@SendintheArdwolves I've never heard of the doing a favour for someone / getting them to do you a favour thing. I'll have to try it out next time!

You are not a naive fool.

These guys are such cliches in their words and actions and follow a script - everything he has done to date has been predicted here by anyone who has had the misfortune of coming across this behaviour before. They should teach kids what the "red flags" are in a relationship, how to spot abuse and how to get out.....

What was e accused of with the ex?

@another20 Stalking (which he wasn't charged with in the end), harassment and then later, breach of a court order. He got a super light sentence every time though which I thought reflected that it was all a bit of a nonsense - I might be totally wrong, but it was a great way of her getting out of paying him back a ton of money...

So exactly the same behavior as now then. If it had been a bit of nonsense he would have been found not guilty. Or not charged at all.

Re the money owed. You only know what he told you, and doubtless his other friends.

@MsPavlichenko True.

I'm really struggling today. Don't know why. I think the first person to ask how I am is going to be cried on.

I think you're doing great. Believe in yourself, you can do this. And it's ok to cry too. Hugs x x x