Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Post on property/DIY for some advice on the detail of the survey?

I did that already. Most said they'd seriously consider proceeding. 😢

Mum to the rescue (again). I really don't know what I'd do without her support and the support of you ladies.

@MyRelationshipIsWeird I had a strange moment when you posted that wondering if you were a friend of mine - she was singing that to her son when I was there this weekend. 😬

Ah bless! No mine are a bit old for Bear Hunt now, but a friend of mine used it as an analogy when she was going through her divorce. x

@MyRelationshipIsWeird Surprisingly the analogy works really well! They probably designed it that way...

It's now 2 weeks since I blocked him and I can't help wondering what he's doing.

Yesterday was probably the first day I didn't feel like I had brain fog filling my head and clouding my thoughts or interfering with my work. Feeling pretty brain foggy today though but I'm still struggling to get to sleep so I'm probably just exhausted.

@xpc316e Thank you for sharing - I hope you've now found happiness?

A friend was once told it takes 3 months of grieving for every year you were in a relationship before you get over it. Of course that was for a "normal" relationship / breakup and probably doesn't work as well for longer term relationships but I've always found it helpful to use that as a rough guide to say it's okay to still be struggling 3/4 months down the line. Especially when others expect you to just get over it.

When will I learn to stay off the pregnancy board?? As much as I like to see how the ladies from my miscarriage FB group are (I left the group after the breakup as it seemed pointless to be in a ttc after miscarriage group now that I'm single), it hurts so much that they're all pregnant again and getting their 20 week scans. My heart actually hurts.

I just read all your thread and had to de-lurk to say even though I don’t know you, I’m so proud of you! you’ve done so so bloody well. Keep going xx

Thank you @Masterhasgivendobbyasock That really means a lot. X

Zoo you have multiple and complex traumas going on here, insight that you were in an abusive relationship, a relationship breakdown, pulling yourself out of a controlling relationship whilst the abuser pulls you back, a miscarriage, moving across country, buying a house, leaving a job, starting a new career, leaving behind a "future" you had imagined, re-building a social life, concerns about an unknown/uncertain future of being childless etc etc

One of these alone is enough to topple anyone.

You have had them all swirling around, tangling and layering on each other that it is hard to see what stress is what. I think that maybe this is now untangling and the real deepest hurt here is your miscarriage and worry that you will never be a mother.

Concentrate on this, get it out and grieve, so that you can start to heal from this (it never goes away - you just get used to it) - put your finite emotions into this as this is your future and not into him. Focus on facing the trauma of MC and then getting better - as it is only then that you will be in the right frame of mind to meet the father of your future children.

You are doing great. Have you started counselling?

@another20 Your post reduced me to tears because it's hard seeing it all laid out like that.

I think you're right that it is the miscarriage that I'm really struggling with, maybe because that's the one stress on the list that I can't control. I know that pain will never go away completely.

I haven't started counselling yet. I'm maybe halfway through the waiting list for NHS counselling. I've been referred for counselling through a work Employee Assistance thing - I'm going to phone them this weekend to see what it's all about. There's a counsellor I want to see near my parents' who does rapid behavioural reconditioning that a family friend swore by. It might be nonsense but I'd like to give it a go. Unfortunately he's away for a month so I'll do that after my holidays.

I find myself thinking more and more about the note that was passed to me in the restaurant. I wish I'd been able to read it. There's no way it said anything good, is there? Not when it was passed over so subtly.

No it may have been refuge details, or telling you that man is s bully

If the note had said anything good, she wouldn't have given it to you in secret. Your X suggesting that it said "trust this man, he is a keeper" or whatever nonsense he claimed is just insultingly ludicrous. I expect the note was details for a refuge, the number for woman's aid, her own contact details and/or a warning.

I expect she could see how he was treating you and was genuinely scared for you - not just "this couple isn't suited" or eye-rolling "he's a bit of a tit" but properly concerned for your safety. So concerned that she felt she had to do something and try to help you.

If it had been anything good he would have been desperate to wave it in your face and you know it. I’m actually surprised he didn’t just write his own note on a napkin and pass it off as the same - if he was any good at being a conniving twat that’s what he should have done!! However, it’s safe to say, the note was intended for you and he didn’t let you see it, whatever it was. That’s a gross invasion of your privacy and autonomy as an adult.

You are bound to feel heartbroken over all the things that are no longer going to be, but your life isn’t over, this is just a blip. Work on grieving and healing so that when new opportunities present themselves you’re ready with a strong and open heart.

The whole thing is mad.

No way was it anything in your ex's favour. She was trying to help you. Kind lady, whoever she was.

Yes, very kind of her!

I've just taken perverse pleasure in buying one of the scented clothes conditioners. He claimed to be allergic to all the ones I liked, so I couldn't buy them. No longer! My clothes are going to smell delicious. Bollocks to him.

That’s the spirit! Fuck him and his sensitive skin

It's a gorgeous day and I'm feeling very down again. It has to be Monday blues - I always feel worse at the start of the week.

It's really tough isn't it. I felt really down after MC and you've got so much worse going on as well. Be kind to yourself. Have you got anything nice to look forward to this week? Meeting up with a friend? Derry girls on telly? (6 days left on 4 catch up)

What did you do over the weekend Zoo? If you’ve been cooped up and now back to work then it’s no wonder you’re feeling blue. Allow yourself to feel it; it’s ok to feel sad and it’s all part of healing - don’t stuff your feelings down because they’re ‘bad feelings’ - they serve a purpose

My god calls from unknown numbers make me so nervous. It's the first one I've had in several weeks - but no voicemail has been left which makes me think it was him. No idea why he'd be calling now. He's been blocked for nearly 3 weeks and hasn't tried to make contact by phone once.

I moved into a new house share this weekend, which is much nearer to my brother and nephew. I haven't been cooped up with the weather as London wasn't too bad. I mainly spent the weekend moving and exploring.

@jellybellywelly It's a pretty quiet week for me as my friends are either on holiday or struggling with far too much work and so working horrendous hours. The house I've moved to has a dog though so it means I'm looking forward to going home for once.

I guess it was him. His friend has just sent me a text message saying she's there if I want to chat or vent and that her intentions are good. It's too much of a coincidence. I'm going to change my number, it's too upsetting knowing unknown calls have this effect on me.

Am I wrong to find this a bit creepy?:

I know I am the last person you want to hear from, I mean you barely know me, but I feel like I know you really well.