Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

At what point does surviving becoming living again?

Have been lurking and willing you on, you're doing so well zoo. How many days 'proper' nc is it now? 3?that's the start of the rest of your life .

I wonder if it feels worse having a good day because it makes you feel you should be happy and yet you're not. But that's ok, you'll get there. Baby steps x x x

Hi @jellybellywelly It's 9 days properly NC. It feels like nothing but it also feels like a lifetime. All I want to do right now is cry. I hate it. You're probably right - having a good day and being surrounded by happy people makes me feel worse because I want to be happy too. I'd love to hit fast forward for the next few months.

"It's 9 days properly NC. It feels like nothing but it also feels like a lifetime."

Thats 9 full impactful days which are propelling you forward much faster than the 60 previous days of separation where you were in contact.

You have now embarked on your journey properly - before that you were just faffing about on the platform. That happy ever after is nearer that you think. Well done - you are doing great - you have had a good day surrounded by happy people - one day soon you will be one of these happy people. Keep focused. Keep strong.

Thanks @another20 . 9 days NC vs 60 non NC is really scary when it's written down. Here's to the next 9! I guess tears are to be expected.

Why is it when you're down everything else seems to go wrong as well? My car has been scratched and dented (nothing serious but it's so frustrating) and someone tried to steal my bike this weekend and has damaged it pretty badly in their attempt.

That's awful about the car and your bike. But on the credit side - you are free and dont have a shitty partner!!

what Chickenagain said

Thanks @Chickenagain @dizzy174 You are of course completely right.

I don't know why but I've felt more at risk of messaging him today. I haven't of course!

It took me years to get over the psychological damage caused by my exP. There are still triggers now BUT after I finally told him to go I used twatch couples and read their body language. There are an awful lot of unhappy women out there - and men too. And I used to think - Thank God I don't have to put up with that, which became my consolation.
And from that consolation, my self-esteem grew and my standards are raised!
You are so very, very lucky - you have a career, independence, a caring mum and your own home! When you move, your rejuvenation will be complete! It will work out brilliantly for you.

Thanks @Chickenagain I seem to have terrible taste in men though Interestingly I used to look at couples and wish I had what they had. I'll have to look a bit more closely as the subtleties of body language clearly passed me by at that stage.

I want to be able to sleep like a normal person again! I've spent all day being shattered and it's now 1am and I can't sleep.

Hugs Zoo it's still early days, you will get there

Maybe this isn't helpful to everyone but in the past when I've been feeling down about my life and all the things I didn't have (partner, career, etc) I told myself that I was definitely going to get them by this time next year.

In fact, these were my last few months ever being single and footloose and I should crack on and enjoy them because very soon everything was going to change. I had to act as if it was a total racing certainty - I had to do all those things that having a partner would suddenly mean got pushed to the back of my to-do list. Like go and stay with old friends (if there's two of you, it suddenly becomes a lot more formal and you can't just sit up drinking wine and gossiping about school days and then fall asleep on the sofa), go to parties of people I didn't know that well (If I'd had a boyfriend, I wouldn't have dragged him out with me, I'd have stayed in with him), take on weird creative projects that ate up my evenings and weekends, eat exactly what I wanted when I wanted without worrying if something was a proper dinner, etc. It feels less scary if you think of it as this crazy, exciting year where you have to seize your opportunities.

This is your last year single EVER, Zoo33. Make the most of it :)

@RandomMess It is early days you're right, I just wish I could know when I'll stop feeling like this. Crystal ball please...

@SendintheArdwolves I love that! It have actually started doing some of that stuff (3am wine drinking session with a good friend I hadn't seen in 4 years reminiscing about our travels) but without seeing it quite like that.

Is there a point at which "early days" stops being early days? Or is it pretty much up to me to say "I'm done!"?

And if it means I get to eat a whole Hotel Chocolat ostrich egg by myself this year (if I can get one on sale, they're rather expensive) then brilliant! He was surprisingly ungrateful when I got him one last year, although to be fair I did eat most of it.

I think it's usually a gradual shift and it's only looking back on this time you see how you've moved on

You will move on, but be in no rush to do so. It all needs to be processed, and when that has been done you can look back at the awful times and appreciate that you have come through them.

I was in a controlling relationship for 15 years during which I was totally eroded as a person. I had zero self-esteem and used to think of driving into motorway bridge supports, as I knew the only way out would be to kill myself. Miraculously I dredged up the strength from somewhere inside and we split. It was very hard, but I believe that it took me the best part of two years to build my life again.

It may take you longer, or it may happen sooner; who knows? The important bit is that you are on your way to being happy.

Best wishes

I've just had the survey report for the second house. There are far more issues than he said on the phone. It's going to cost a fortune in minor and not so minor repairs. I feel gutted. I'm so desperate to buy something and move but that's the second house with a bad survey. Are all houses like this or am I just horrendously unlucky? I don't know what to do now.

What kind of survey are you having done? If it's a full one then yes it details every little thing that could possibly need attention to cover their backs!

Love that idea SendintheArdwolves I'm nicking it too!

Don't know how long 'early days' takes Zoo, but its like the Bear Hunt, you can't go over it, you can't go around it, you have to go through it.

It's a full survey, so I did expect a bit of arse covering, although there do seem to be rather a lot of problems for a house that's only 30 years old. Perhaps I just need to take it with a pinch of salt and see it as a bit of a project?

I'm just not sure my mental health can cope with failing to buy if that makes sense.