Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Thanks ladies. I did manage to well up in the review meeting, although she was very sweet. I couldn't tell her about the added stress of house buying and my plan to retrain / resign because she doesn't know...

She heard me on the phone to IT on Friday (getting him blocked) and although she doesn't know the details, she said that was very brave. It's all so incredibly stressful!

Bank said yes! New mortgage offer received. 😄

Now all I need is to hope that the legals don't find anything nasty and that I can negotiate £10k off the asking price. I'm not asking for too much, am I??

well done

brilliant! :)

That’s great news about the mortgage. Lots of lovely people on property thread if you need advice on the offer / price

Thanks @another20 I'll pop over to have a look.

Why is it that even 2 months on (and I know it's only a week properly NC) I still check my phone after I've cycled in to work to see if he's messaged me? I know habits take time to break, but still...

My mother revealed that my grandmother said she was relieved that I was "still young enough to find someone wonderful" to have children with. This coming from my most vocal family member who for years has been telling me I'm getting too old and should hurry up. I really can't wait to get out of this city and draw a line under all of this.

I'm having a bit of a jealous angry morning, so apologies for the rant.

My office is full of heavily pregnant women and one of my colleagues has just gone on maternity leave. I know it doesn't affect me as their lives have no impact on mine and on what's happened, but I'm so horribly jealous - I should be 6 months pregnant and I'm not and won't be anytime soon. It sucks. I'm not normally a jealous angry person so I hate that he's turned me into this. This wasn't the way my life was supposed to go.

Yes but my friend if you were pregnant now you would be saddled with HIS baby and him possibly in your life in some way for the next 18 years. I was 37 when I met my husband and 42 when I had my first child. I know that may sound a bit extreme but I am proof it does happen. Getting him out of your life and out of your headspace means you have time and chances to meet someone else.

Thanks @Algernonplonkerthethird That's exactly what I need to hear, that it can still be done! And you're right - at least this way I can have a complete break from him with no ties at all.

Maybe a face to face debrief would help with closure in a non-abusive relationship but not with a controlling partner. Anything you say will be twisted round to their advantage and will end up messing with your head more. I left an abusive relationship suddenly and managed fine without this sort of talk. In fact on the occasions we did talk afterwards, on the phone, like you I found it made me more distressed and confused.

You know what's rather twisted? It looks like I'll be stuck in the office for quite a while longer tonight. As much as I really hate being stuck (especially as I could kill for a glass of wine), I don't have to worry about him raging about it! It's so refreshing.

remember that when you're next feeling like you need him and want him.

print it out and put it on the fridge! :)

Has anyone used (or heard of) counselling through the Employee Assistance Programme. My boss has looked into it for me and says I can get a number of counselling sessions as part of this (I guess work pays?) - but I think it's telephone counselling, although I'll need to check. Has anyone done telephone counselling? I prefer the idea of face to face, but if it can help it's worth a try, right?

@SeaEagleFeather I absolutely should!

I don't know anything about the counselling, but i thought I'd tell you you're doing well and anger and frustration are normal.

There can be a good place after this!

Zoo just wanted to say well done on getting this far! You sound so much more positive than when you first began to post; it's always worth reading back through so you can see how far you've come if you have a wobble day.

I wish I'd had MN 20 years ago as it could have really helped me see my situation for what it was. I was lucky though, I got out, I never looked back and although he stalked for 8 months afterwards, there was no social media back then for him to truly get at me or in my head.

Keep listening to all the amazing advice and doing everything you are with counselling. I'm contacting a new potential counsellor tomorrow to help me move forward. Even 20 years on, the scars still run deep and I never truly recognised what happened to me until I became a member here and read about women with similar experiences.

You are amazing. You will find someone. I did and have 2 beautiful DC

@allibaba Thank you. I have good days and bad ones...

It seems mad that someone can cause so much scarring that even 20 years on you're still not "free". But then abuse from a loved one is so awful because you love and trust them completely. I'm so glad you found someone wonderful and have 2 children with him. I hope it makes the pain easier to bear (if that makes sense). Good luck with tomorrow's potential counsellor.

The advice here has been truly amazing. I'd have found it very hard to get this far without it. My family have been incredible, but it's so much easier baring your soul to strangers. Especially when I have wobbles - my mother is amazing and I've been completely honest with her but I'm not sure I could tell her all of it because she's invested emotionally enough as it is.

It's so much easier to talk to strangers! But also strangers who actually get what has happened and understand the script. I could never tell my DM the extent of what went on and my best friends (who I've been friends with since school) still don't know either. I only told my DH last year about the rape - and bless him he had already guessed that had happened. My scars are only still here as I've only truly recognised what happened to me in recent years but at least I can deal with it now.

By getting counselling to help you now you will be so much better for it. I've spent so long in denial and literally running away (moved to other side of country), and still I minimise what went on. Acceptance to understanding to healing, I think. You're always much stronger than the abuser has you believe you are.

Just had a call from a florist about a delivery of flowers to the house we wanted to buy. Clearly it's been bought by another couple and I guess their purchase completed today. Bloody estate agents gave them my number.

Not sure how I feel about this - part of me knows I had a very narrow escape and should be relieved, but it's a bit gutting to be told in such a way that someone else has moved into that house. I was having a really good day today too but now I feel rather deflated.

Here's some clowers cor you, zoo!

I know how you feel. When i left i lost a whole future path that at times seemed doable. But i was sooo much better off alone than with him. No creeping around trying to make things right. No serving delicious but unhealthy food hoping it would give him a coronary....(think fatty,salty deliciousness).

It's hard work at first, but think of having a whole new start and a whole new you!
Hooray!

@LittleFeileFooFoo thanks. It's definitely hard work, mainly because he's the first person I want to tell stuff to when, but I know he can't be that person anymore.

I was telling an old friend tonight about some of the stuff that's driven me to this. His face said it all - I've been treated badly and as much as I miss him and am devastated about the loss of the relationship, I'm so much better out of it.

@allibaba I don't know your story but facing up to a rape and your emotional scars after all this time show just how brave you've been. It may have taken years of denial but good for you for finally being able to deal with it.

Why is it you feel so sad after a lovely day? I've had a lovely weekend catching up with some good friends, went horse riding today which was great (but freezing cold) and am now home feeling very blue. I'm counting down the weeks until my retraining course, the house purchase seems to be going okay (I've probably just jinxed it), I'm off on holiday in a few weeks and yet I feel crappy.

I would so love to be told that it'll all work out in x months or x years so that I can settle down and stop overthinking things, knowing in that time life will be wonderful, I'll be happy and be pregnant with a fabulous partner who loves me.

Sorry guys.