Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

@another20 I haven't no. I guess that shows how irrational it is?! And you're right - he's resourceful, if he DOES need me, he'll find me.

what would your Mother think of you meeting Him for lunches ? does she know that as soon as she left you have been meeting him again ?

@Gemini69 I told her because I'm a rubbish liar. She wasn't happy. But it's not happening again.

I'm sure she wasn't.. because she will have only Your best interests at heart.... glad to hear your buying your own place

I can't wait. She apparently cried when I told her about his Vegas suggestion. I only considered it for a split second, but it shows how emotionally invested everyone around me is. That keeps me strong.

zoo some of the difficulty in breaking away is the surprisingly strong thing of Habit. You're -used- to considering him. It's a total readjustment in lots of big ways and small to have his absence. again, it will get easier in time.

Really well done on blocking him on all avenues.

Well Done, Zoo! You deserve a big hug and pat on the back MN style for what you've done today.

You go girl!

Why is it that I'm (relatively) happily bumbling along but it's not until I actually block him everywhere that I start over analysing the relationship and wondering if I could have done anything differently. I assume it's part of the healing process but it's kinda rubbish.

It probably doesn't help that if he'd had his way, we'd be in Vegas right now getting married.

i think that would be called a wobble, and to be expected :))

It's natural to try to analyse and understand what went wrong - but it's not helpful to ruminate endlessly or blame yourself and think "if only I had done xyz, he would have been a perfect boyfriend".

Two things will help:
Set yourself time limits for thinking about him/your relationship. For example "I'll think about it for the next ten minutes then I'll do xyz" or "I'll give myself till the end of this bus journey to float about thinking of him but then I really must concentrate on the shopping"
Read "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft.

You can do it, op! Do it one week, one day or one hour at a time.

Why would he need to get hold of you? You aren't his girlfriend. If he needs a friend, he can turn elsewhere. He is no longer your problem to deal with. Try to draw a line under your relationship with him. You no longer have to listen to him, be there to support him, etc. That is someone else's job now.

Thanks @dizzy174 I just needed the reassurance that it's normal. Silly brain.

@SendintheArdwolves I've been reading that book - it's very interesting! Apart from filling in an old friend this weekend on what happened, I've barely thought about him today - day by day I guess, and I absolutely agree that I need to set a time limit so as not to mope.

@sonjadog I know it's not my problem anymore and I can't think of any reason why he would need to get hold of me, it's just hard to switch that off when I've spent the last 4 years being available to him. I'm starting to draw that line, it's an emotional readjustment that'll take a little bit of time.

one day at a time .. sweet lass

I feel angry at him this morning. I don't know why. I feel like he's stolen my future by not being the man I thought he was.

OP- have you heard of the Freedom Programme?

@BertrandRussell I've had a poke around their website and read some of the "types" of men. Very interesting stuff.

I'm partly hoping this is just Monday blues.

@BertrandRussell I've had a poke around their website and read some of the "types" of men. Very interesting stuff.

I'm partly hoping this is just Monday blues.

Honestly-sign up for the programme. My dd is in a very similar position to you-she also said "I'm not ready to cut all ties yet"- but the Freedom Prorgamme is making such a difference. She's 5 weeks in and it has been a real revelation to her.

Thanks @BertrandRussell I'll definitely look into it. I hadn't clocked there was a programme you could do.

He would have stolen your future if you had married and had children with him - even if you eventually left him - he would hound, harass, obstruct and disrupt you legitimately for ever.

You really have dodged a bullet. You will have your sparkly, lovely future and happy ever after. That was NEVER possible with him. CELEBRATE

Have been lurking but wanted to say - it's normal to feel angry and like you're an idiot for falling for it all now the scales have fallen from your eyes and like you were duped ! It's normal to want an explanation about WHY they duped you but do not expect to get one!!
I had an intense relationship in my 20s with someone in their 30s. It was amazing and passionate and dramatic heartbreaking and miserable all at the same time! A constant roller coaster and the good times were so so good but the bad times were so so bad !! At the time I didn't have a name for what I was going thru but I now have no doubt it was EA and could easily have progressed to PA
As a few examples he alienated me from friends making me feel bad going out without him and making me a better offer so I'd ditch them. We'd have a great night out and get home and he'd accuse me of flirting with the Barman or saying something I didn't remember saying (probably cos I didn't actually say it - classic gaslighting )
He'd storm out of the pub and embarrass me but then I'd spend 2 days chasing him calling and going over while he ignored me and made me feel I was losing my mind cos he just didn't understand and had the wrong end of the stick about whatever he was upset about this time.
He went thru my phone bill and sent texts to make friends threatening them.
When he was losing me he suddenly developed a mystery illness which he would say what it was but had specialist appointments scheduled that there'd be a huge build up too and then he wouldn't go (well It was bollocks obviously but u see what I mean!) this went on for months. When my friends sat me down and said they thought his illness was a lie I told him and he went mental about how could u have friends that would suggest that and thus alienating me further .
He nearly got me sacked as he'd call constantly on my work phone and upset me
He always told me I'd done or said things when drunk that I was SURE I hadn't because I knew myself and I was sure I wouldn't say or do them but in the end started to wonder if I really WAS a shit person who changed personalities when drunk (gaslighting again)
In the end my mum paid for a one way ticket to Australia to get home out of his clutches as I kept going back for more even when I knew he was doing fucked up shit - he was just that good !
Before I was due to leave I got another call saying he was going to prison for GBH and needed to see me again - yes all total bollocks !!

You're in a good place you've seen it for what it was early on! I did not but I left the situation without dealing with it
It wasn't until a few years into my lovely marriage with a kind man that I had to go to therapy as I was constantly having anxiety about him telling me off or making mistakes (he never did or has)
My therapist made me finally see the affect this man had had on me to the extent I had brought it to my marriage .it was years later and a hard pill to swallow . I felt as you do - like a fool and an idiot but now I see it for what it was
Google the analogy of the frog in the pot of water - basically you don't see it happening until you're in deep
Stay strong and stay away from this guy. He's bad news and will drag you down. You cannot fix him (I know my ex has never married and probably has done the same to many many others as that's just him). I thought our love was so special and strong that we could work it out. Nope. I also wondered if I was the only one he did this too but now I seriously doubt that- I was a pretty young social girl and it was almost like he set out to chase me and win me and then pull me down.

@another20 You're totally right. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

@expatmatt78 Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you finally had some therapy to realise what he'd done so you could finally move on.

I've got my interim review this morning. I have no idea what to expect - I half expect my boss to tell me to pull my socks up, although if she does there will definitely be tears. Although if she's nice to me there will definitely be tears.

The bank have asked about the excessively long commute with my house purchase. Hopefully they'll buy my answer, otherwise I have a real problem.

Fingers crossed for you with the bank, zoo. really hope they will be supportive.

Hope it goes well with the interim review - don't worry about crying too much. I've cried loads at work and everyone has always been much nicer than I feared