Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

@AnAirborneFluffyWhiteThing Apparently the doctors are pleased with the progress as a result of the medication and he might get signed off in a couple of weeks if the scans are clear. It is pretty miraculous!

he emailed me at work first thing this morning (actually, it's just gone midnight so I guess it was yesterday morning) but I ignored it. Does that count as NC?

Did you read it? If so, don't read any more - NC isn't just "no replies" it's "no contact" and reading his emails is having contact. I know it's tough but delete it, then delete it from your trash folder so you aren't tempted to go back and read them later.

Have you blocked him from your work address yet?

Well done Zoo.

Have a read of this breakuprecoveryguide.com/NoContact

The "rules" are things that will make it easier for YOU to heal - and it is very much a physical process as well as emotional one as the article explains.

This means a total block - as others have said, not filtered - as that just makes it harder for you as you are triggered into a negative emotional state when something arrives even if you don't open it....which is poking the wound each and every time and you will not heal.

What are the channels you need to BLOCK - can you set a deadline to do this - how about lunchtime?

Delete and block from mobile, email, all social media (maybe close them down for a short time, so that HE cant obsess).

Do not answer any unknown numbers or emails or post. Return or do do accept any gifts, flowers etc unopened.

Avoid places he might be. Avoid any of his friends / colleagues / family - as they will have a story about how he has changed, seeded by him - and he won't have.

Have a strategy for when he turns up after work, outside your flat etc. eg ask him to leave once, then get your phone out and call a friend/neighbour that you have on stand by for help.

Expect loads of shit - he will not go quietly - but it will get better if you stop feeding him with contact.

Expect him to go round the houses to get to you and do stupid things.

You need to consider telling him that you are now NC and you will report him for harassment if he makes contact with you.

Expect him to get a new girlfriend/date and flaunt it in your face to punish you. Expect this to hurt.

But most importantly spend the time and mental space you have freed up not waiting for a text, email, trying to understand HIM etc on healing and soothing yourself. Hang out with positive people, get out do stuff - just to distract yourself and kill time - and find a good therapist to support you emotionally.

We all suspect he is lying, but, even if he was genuinely sick with a life ending illness it is nothing to do with you as you left him.

Have you sent a clear Do not contact me again message? Just one line that you can show the police so they can act on his harassment.

I'm a registered APRN (advanced practise registered nurse). I qualified 8 years ago and have worked in cardiovascular medicine since.
I am not a doctor, but in my 8 years of experience plus my time training NOBODY with a bacterial heart condition was discharged without treatment.
Treatment is not "sent home with some medication"
Treatment is aggressive IV antibiotics while admitted to hospital. A specialist consultant does not need to be present except for diagnosis and monitoring is done by nurses and doctors (don't let him tell you the hospital had none of those! ) and even if there wasn't a specialist consultant for a 5000 mile radius he would not be permitted to leave hospital grounds.

I have worked in 4 NHS hospitals trained in the UK and now work overseas. Nobody, anywhere, under any kind of qualified doctors in any developed countries would be permitted to "go home and wait for a specialist".

The rest of his story makes even less sense.

Why wouldn't you or his family be contacted? How when in hospital with this serious condition would be able to pick up the phone and ring somebody in Manchester and then how did she get your number?
At best he's playing you both at worst she's in on it.

This man is extremely dangerous and you need to be away from him.
His lies are becoming extreme for one reason. He has lost his control.
You need to cut contact right now. He is not your problem nor your responsibility you cannot help him nor fix him or his problems.
He'll probably have a broken spine and a brain tumour next week and if that doesn't work on you he'll become violent. Nip it in the bud before it gets to that. Stop meeting with him.
I know it's hard and you're probably thinking "yeah but it's not like that none of these women KNOW him it's not that bad".
Abusers are all the same. They follow the same script. End of.

Agreed. He is despicable; he is lying and he is manipulating you still.

The only person who can stop all this though, is you. I'm sorry Zoo, I have some idea of how hard this is, but right now by seeing him and allowing him contact you are playing into his hands.

You have the power here but you have to use it.

This isn't meant unkindly but it is so sad to see a nice person with a heart under the sway of a controlling and lying manipulator. Sadly you are the only one who can rescue yourself, and by playing on your heart and your grief, he is weakening you.

Things can and will get better, but by keeping contact you are prolonging the agony. I do hope you can close the contact completely.

I read the email he sent to work (i was working through a list of unread emails) but not the one he sent on Tuesday night. I haven't had a chance to block him on my personal email as I need to do it from a computer (can't do it on my work PC) and have been too busy (being popular and important of course ). I've had no desire to read it which is rather a nice feeling.

It turns out I've still got some rather expensive sports stuff at his. I clearly did a great job moving out! I really want it but have told him I can't get it until next month at the earliest (my weekends are full of fun things!) to which he said he'd let me know when he was free. I know it's probably not worth the bother emotionally but I do want the stuff as I'll only have to replace it, although I'm feeling pretty good at the moment about life and the fact he's not in it.

@BekoLeGecko I'm still hesitant to think he's a big fat liar but none of it makes any sense medically (especially hearing about your experience). I'm pretty gullible but I'm not stupid enough to go back to him because he claims he's got a mystery illness.

@another20 He's blocked from all social media, that was the first thing I did when I left him. Emails will be blocked tonight when I get home. It feels good.

Ask a friend to collect your stuff?

Having read through this whole thread now there is a couple of things that are clear.

The first is that he has no respect for you. He is endlessly badgering you for contact with him despite you telling him you don't want it. You block him and he still contacts you. What matters to him is what he wants - what you want is irrelevant to him.

The second is that you are never going to get over him and it is going to continue being painful until the point where you stop engaging with him. You are making this worse for yourself by dragging it out. If you really want to get over him, you will refuse 100% to engage with him in any way whatsoever. Until that time, it will drag on like it is now.

That's great that you are almost NC.
Great that you have fun stuff scheduled to keep you busy.

What happens now with the house move?
When are you planning to give in your notice at work?

If you need to get your sports stuff back ask a friend to collect and ask the friend not to engage in conversation with him and not to tell you anything about him or what he says if her talks to her/him.

Do you have any mutual friends/family that you need to avoid? If you do bump into people and they start talking about him - just politely stop them giving you info.

How many days is it since you left him?

OK, if you want your stuff back, either:

a) Ask a friend or family member to pick it up for you
b) Ask him to bring it round to a mutual friend's house/neutral location (NOT work/your place/anywhere he and you could meet) so you can collect it later.
c) Ask someone to go with you to stop you from staying any longer than it takes to collect your belongings and leave.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't arrange to go there by yourself. You will end up being drawn into a conversation, I 100% guarantee it. This is what he wants - yet another chance to work on you and wear you down.

But honestly, if I was you I'd tell him to keep the sporting equipment. Unless it's thousands of pounds worth of mountain bike or something. How much would it cost to replace?

And have you blocked him from your work account yet, OP?

It's about £500 worth of stuff - not the end of the world I guess but annoying given he owes me about £5k which I'll clearly never see again.

I don't have any friends who could collect it (they don't have cars and it's dive stuff so is heavy), but I could definitely convince someone to come with me.

I'm in two minds whether I can be bothered though - as we'll have to liaise over when he's free etc...

It's 59 days since I left him! Wow. I can't believe it's so many already - the first few weeks dragged horribly.

In terms of house I'm waiting for a new mortgage offer and then for the lawyers to do their stuff. I need to negotiate the purchase price but it's largely dependent on whether there's building regulations sign off for the garage conversion. I'm not resigning until the mortgage completes, so that won't be until April/May (assuming I've found a new job by then) and I have to give 3 months notice. It's a slow process but all good.

I haven't blocked him at work as he's left me alone recently and because I wanted to keep an avenue open to discuss collecting my stuff. I'll have a think over the weekend as to whether I can be bothered with it.

There are no mutual friends or family to avoid thankfully. None of his friends live locally to where I am now and I've blocked them all on social media. His family are all abroad.

You have taken so many big steps already from a practical perspective and it sounds like before you know it the move will be in full swing.

If you can write it off the dive kit do so - small price to pay for distance, closure, sanity. Or send a mate around in a taxi.

But you are dragging your feet emotionally. Not blocking him at work is a problem. What do you need to think about over the weekend? Why not call IT and block him now before the weekend - see how wonderful that will feel.

You know what, it's probably cheaper for me to hire the kit at least until I decide to dive more frequently again. Phoning IT now...

It's done!

I'll block him on my personal email tonight.

Not sure how I feel about this (feels like a massive step), but you're all completely right, I can't move on completely while he can reel me back in.

I don't have any friends who could collect it (they don't have cars and it's dive stuff so is heavy)

Might be a bit of a pain, but could you offer to pay for a taxi for your friend to get it? Is he insisting that he is there when you pick it up? Is there a safe place on the property where it could be left, or do you still have a key to get in?

I'm just concerned that this is something that will drag on for weeks - he will have this stuff, which means that you will have to remain in contact with him. He won't want to give that up easily - expect loads of "sudden emergencies" that mean it's not convenient for him just when you thought it had been arranged, plus threats to dump/sell your property, etc.

But yeah, have a think over the weekend about how much you want it back. And if he is now only able to contact you on your work email, you have the whole weekend where you don't have to worry about hearing from him at all!

Cross post! Excellent decision OP!

@SendintheArdwolves That was what swayed me I think - there's no guarantee he'd ever actually be available for me to collect it and it can't be left outside as there's nowhere under cover. So I'd probably have to put up with weeks of him rearranging and cancelling which I really can't be bothered with. It's not worth it.

I've been with an abuser and hadn't realised I was being controlled until I left.

It's really like being under a spell whrn you're with them.

Well done zoo - this is a massive step and you will feel wonderful about it.

Your thinking is straightening out as well - as you now know that he would use any little thing (dive kit collection) to muck you about just to have contact and control you. Well done for not giving him the power.
Get the home email sorted and start day 60 in a new place emotionally.

Keep strong and focused.

In my experience with a controlling ex, you really can't begin to heal until you are fully NC.

Even partial/ filtered information is a setback to your recovery. I bluntly told mutual friends not to mention him to me - I didn't care if he had won a Nobel prize for working with orphans, I didn't want to know. I blocked all social media and avoided places where he was likely to be. He will try to dig up loads of stuff. I left behind loads, and was out of pocket by thousands but you know what, totally worth it. Those things are replaceable, your mental well being is harder to replace.

The bloke I met after I'd taken some time out from men is the one I'm blissfully happy with now. The polar opposite of my ex and a brilliant dad (older mummy here too) I look back and shudder at the thought of those potential kids with Ex. How damaged they'd have been as his pawns, and growing up with his criticism and cruel mindset in their little lives. And I give thanks often that I had my DS with this man and not my ex.

The sooner you block, the sooner you heal and the sooner your life moves on to those things you want.

@OhCalamity Who are you calling older??

Seriously though, I love hearing about happy endings. It shows just how rubbish their "you'll never find anyone as awesome as me" arguments are.

He's now blocked on my personal emails. It's pretty liberating but part of me thinks what if he needs to get hold of me?? Silly right?

That's an incredible milestone - well done.

Have you ever needed to get hold of an ex in the past?

I would not worry about this abusive controlling character being able to track you down in an emergency, I think he would be fine.....