Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

Hi OP, I wanted to let you know that i was in a similar situation to you At about your age. I left a very consoling man after 7 years (oh the humiliation of saying that!) I left himand he did the same to me. Had a friend call to tell me he was in hospital; meet with me and suddenly wanted kids and assured me i wouldn't be able to have them with anyone else (so old and fat,you know!) Basically begged, pleaded, reasoned with out logic for why i should stay his property.

I had to go nc. It took a while to get him out of my system. I think you should take very seriously the note from the woman at the cafe. Don't engage, just continue living without him.

It took some years to feel confident and self assured again. i gave myself 6 months for every year to grieve/rebound/recover so 3 years? Before i let myself consider selling down. I had my son when i was 42. And my dh is lovely.

Also, i gave my controlling ex a Nick name "crazy boy" and i never use his proper name even to myself.

You can do this and live a happy life. Give yourself time and all the breaks you used to give him.

That would be a controlling man, not a consoling one!

Thank you all for sharing and for the words of encouragement. He's really pissed me off today which is a good development - I have no idea what tomorrow will bring emotionally, but each time I get more annoyed at him, it's a further step away. I must disengage though, I know.

I'd not heard of the grey rock technique before, but it sounds very sensible!

@LittleFeileFooFoo Your story brings me so much hope! Thank you.

I read a thread on here fairly recently in which the gist was that the OP said 30s was far too old to have a baby - I wanted to throttle her and say life doesn't always go the way we hoped...

Zoo33, I've been reading your thread and cheering you on. You are doing amazingly.

PLEASE STOP HAVING LUNCH WITH HIM

I know that you think you can just ease yourself out of this relationship, and that it would be "too hard" or "unkind" to just cut contact, but that is nonsense.

You are in a very dangerous place - he is taking you out, promising marriage, suggesting you guys elope and confident he could talk your mother round - and you are going along with it.

I know you think you are "telling" him that he's crazy, it's not going to happen, it's over, mostly blocking his contact, etc but what are you SHOWING him? You are showing him that you still prepared to spend time with him, share meals with him, discuss your relationship with him, etc.

You do not need to speak to him ever again. You should not have conversations with him EVER, let alone ones which are long enough for him to suggest eloping and for random women to be so concerned by his behaviour that they slip you notes in secrecy (because she can tell from five minutes of your conversation that he would try to prevent that).

I am very very worried that one day you are going to stop posting because you have decided to go back to him - and not exactly because you want to. He is doing his best to convince you that splitting up with him is impossible - he will try to wear you down and thwart your efforts to get away, and demonstrate that he will not give you his permission to end the relationship, that your reasons for wanting to end it are insufficient and can be discarded, and that he promises to change and you ought to accept that, and therefore you will have to, eventually, give in.

Have you seen the film Labyrinth? Think of the bit at the end where the goblin king promises Jennifer that all her dreams will come true if she will just let him rule her. It's the bit where (when you're a kid) you're screaming at her not to trust him, it's the final battle of wills between them and her resolve is wavering and you know if she gives in she will be trapped forever? Finally she remembers the final part of the spell, that her will is as strong as his, and her kingdom as great and that he has no power over her.

He has no power over you. Be like Jennifer :)

@SendintheArdwolves Thank you!

I know I have to block him. Even now he's emailing at work saying "please block my emails" and then a short time later to say "please don't block me, you're hormonal and need help", followed by "can we chat for 2 mins please". It really is never ending. My previous break ups have been more along the lines of "well if you're sure, bye then", job done. This is so exhausting.

Block him! Especially on your work emails - I mean, jeez, you're at WORK. You're busy and important. If you were at all interested in his nonsense (which you aren't) he could at least be grown up enough to keep his whining out of business hours :)

He doesn't respect you - your feelings, your job, your time, your opinions, nothing. He is trying to wear you down - and it's working, This is why you feel so exhausted. He wants you to feel so tired of all this angsting and feelings and talking and crying and promises and threats and going round and round that eventually you find that giving in is the best way to make it stop.

He doesn't want to "chat for 2 minutes". He wants to get into your head and start pulls some levers.

I know you fin it difficult (almost impossible) to cut him off completely. So maybe try this - tell yourself (not him, never tell him anything ever again) that you are going to give yourself a break from him until after the weekend. Block him on everything. EVERYTHING THIS TIME. Tell yourself you aren't doing it for ever - just for a week. Give yourself some proper time off to heal. You're giving yourself a holiday from his attempts to hoover you back in - plan some stuff to enjoy. You deserve it.

Are you getting something from this drama - maybe the intensity and attention he didn't give you when you were together?

This isn't real. He did not give this to you when you were together and when you really needed it. He is only giving it to you now for HIS benefit. You will be back with him 2 mins and the indifferent, nasty, controlling side will be back with a vengeance - as he will ramp up the abuse to punish you for daring to leave.

Do you think you are hormonal and that is why you have taken this decision?

Please block him altogether. Apart from anything else, he knows he still has a link to you and a chance to reel you back in. Right now I feel there is a pretty decent chance of you going back to him, you are still so invested.

There isn't a point where he will say 'you're right, I'm a terrible person, go and be happy and I will never bother you again'. This will just keep playing out and playing out and it'll be months down the line and you'll still be here.

I feel like you are relying on getting a new job/new house/moving away to bring some resolution to all this. I think you need to take control, say 'enough is enough' and realise that you need to completely move him from this life you have now. Just because you move away doesn't mean he'll stop contacting you or emailing you.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and of course it's very easy for me to give all this advice. But I'm rooting for you, and this situation is just going to keep on and on and on until you make the decision to properly go NC with him. You're in limbo right now, neither with him or without him and it's unsustainable.

Just found out a school friend of mine is having a hysterectomy and both ovaries removed tomorrow as her endometriosis is so bad. She's 34 and doesn't have children. It really puts things into perspective, doesn't it. At least I still have the hope of having my own children. She's so incredibly brave.

I really like the idea of telling myself I'm only blocking him for a short period, mainly so I can get used to the idea of it. As@user1497357411 said, I need to break this contact habit for 28 days to get through the worst of it and create a new (no contact and much healthier) habit.

@Bumshkawahwah You're not being harsh at all, just brutally honest (and unfortunately right I think). I'm definitely relying on moving away to resolve this which is daft - I can't hide from it for the next 6 months and I want to be in a better frame of mind now. Distance certainly won't stop him contacting me so I need to deal with it now.

@another20 I don't think I am getting anything from the drama (at least I bloody hope not). I may be a bit hormonal as my body hasn't quite got over the miscarriage despite it being 3/4 months ago, but this is definitely not why I made the decision. I've almost walked out several times over the years and hormones definitely had nothing to do with it then.

@SendintheArdwolves I really hadn't thought of it like that - that he doesn't respect me or my work. It has to stop. That'll be a fun conversation with the IT department tomorrow...

I reread my post and I was too blunt - have a hug from me to counteract the harshness.

Nonsense @Bumshkawahwah. I need honesty in my life right now and a good talking to sometimes as well!

Zoo - of course you are not making this life change because you are hormonal - I asked that playing devils advocate as that is what he is constantly claiming is the reason for the split - ie he is still abusing you by gas lighting you - he hasn’t don’t anything wrong - you are just mad / irrational woman. I think that’s a good point that you can’t put the separation / NC off until you physically move - focus on doing that now so that you start in the new place positively.

Is it somewhere you want to go - or is it running away / hiding?

@another20 I have thought long and hard about whether I'm running away, but moving back towards my parents' is something I've wanted to do for ages and would always have been my long term plan, even with him. It just seems like the perfect opportunity to do it now.

That’s great to hear - embracing an opportunity to make the positive move you have always wanted to - that’s not running away. Make the best of it and maybe do everything to emotionally detach and heal so that you don’t take this toxic baggage with you to pollute your new life. There is nothing much to understand, discuss, debate etc with him - it is v simple - he is abusive and controlling and always will be. Stop trying to work him out or the relationship he controlled. Just concentrate on yourself, getti g back to who you are - your fun new happy life awaits you - don’t keep delaying it.

I know you might find it a bit awkward to tell the IT team that you need an email to be blocked, but honestly, you won't have to go into detail. Just ask them to block the email address. It's most likely that they won't ask why, but if they do, just say "An ex keeps emailing me. I'm at work, it's not appropriate."

You should probably cover your arse about this anyway - don't forget that your employer will have access to all the emails you get through your work account and in the HIGHLY UNLIKELY event of them ever checking, you don't want to have to explain all the personal communications you've received. This way if it ever comes up, you can say "Yep, I blocked him."

"He has threatened to break up with me in the past and has apparently lied to my family about things. "

Something like this has been an absolute nightmare for me too. You think that you would have the support of your family only to realise they've been secretly worrying that you're the bad one!

Well today's survey was a lot better than the last one! There are still a few issues, including needing to get retrospective building control sign off on a garage conversion, but no house is perfect right?

Step by step, I'll get there...

@another20 Fun new life - I love that!

@oneinthebox My family saw through all his lies, it was just me that was the gullible fool and thought they liked him. When your 95 year old grandmother (who generally speaks her mind because she's "old and therefore allowed to") smiles with relief at hearing about the breakup, you know that they didn't think you were the bad one. I'm sure your family didn't either, although if he was very convincing they might have been second guessing a bit.

@SendintheArdwolves I'm sure IT hear a lot worse than being asked how to block email addresses!

So are you up for total block / NC in short bursts? When are you ready to start - can we hold your hand thru it ? Maybe commit to a week and post on here whenever you feel stressed....

Yes I'm ready for NC for short bursts. What are the rules? For example he emailed me at work first thing this morning (actually, it's just gone midnight so I guess it was yesterday morning) but I ignored it. Does that count as NC? @another20 A handhold would be lovely thank you.

Yes, ignore. Delete without reading it if you can. You don't need to hear weekday he had to say today,believe me, it will be the same tune next week!
Be strong zoo, think of this as training for a better you! Is really really painful and when the pain hits you don't want to do it, but the results are well worth it!

Think of all those Olympic medalists who came through terrible injuries and rehabilitation to win a medal! You can do that too, i promise!

Block him completely on all devices and emails, not filtered but blocked. I would organise to change your number too.

Hello Zoo - I contributed to this thread ages ago, and have just read what you've been up to since then.
Firstly congratulations on making it this far. I'm not surprised you're exhausted. He's making it such hard work for you.
Al the other wise MNetters have given you excellent advice, and all concur that you need a proper break from this man in order to heal.

Do it!

Give yourself a week first. (We'll support you) and then maybe tack on another week. Baby steps, eh?

Oh, and unless I missed it, has he had a miraculous recovery from his heart infection...??