Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

I saw him yesterday to discuss post and stuff. He's suggested we fly to Vegas and get married and then sort our problems out peacefully without the fear of friends and family interfering (because it'll be a done deal).

I've said absolutely not but he's convinced it's a fantastic idea and that he'll be able to make things right with my mother. I know that's never going to happen and she's said she'd only ever be able to be civil towards him for me. It would break her heart if I eloped with him - because it's him and because a wedding should be a happy occasion celebrated with friends and family.

I've said no and am not going to do it. It's a terrible idea. But there's a part of me that it really appeals to. There's nothing "wrong" with me so there's no reason why (at 34) I can't meet someone lovely and have children, is there? I'm not even thinking about dating again until I've got over all of this (which I know will take months if not longer), but I can't help worrying about the future.

You have every chance of meeting someone decent and have children - you are still so young. I can't believe he is suggesting this - what on earth does he think he has to offer you after all he has done?

He wants to whisk you away quickly and get married so that you don't have time to reflect and change your mind - because if you did have time, he knows deep down that you wouldn't do it because it's a terrible idea. You'd have to be mad to tie your future up with his now.

If you are by some weird chance wobbling, just read your post from 18 December at 17.26 which tells you only some of the reasons being with him was a bad thing for you.

There was so much wrong with your relationship because he is a controlling person and he always will be.

Stay strong, look to the future, a wonderful marriage is a fantastic thing, an unhappy one is a most miserable existence

My youngest cousin (who is getting married this year and is deliriously happy because her fiancée is wonderful and everyone loves him) has just announced she's 13 weeks pregnant.

I'm so happy for them but it's heartbreaking because I'm so jealous that everyone else seems happy and I'm stuck in a very deep hole. I know it makes me sound horrible.

How have you left it with him? You are now back in contact? When will you see him again?

You are feeding him and picking a scab, making it longer and longer for the day when you are available to meet the future father of your children.

The "eloping marriage" is such a red flag. He is just trying to control you and isolate you from your friends and family.

It would be so hideous to be married with children to this man - a lifetime of hell. These men get worse when children arrive.

You really have dodged a bullet - don't put yourself back in the firing line.

*My youngest cousin (who is getting married this year and is deliriously happy because her fiancée is wonderful and everyone loves him) has just announced she's 13 weeks pregnant.

I'm so happy for them but it's heartbreaking because I'm so jealous that everyone else seems happy and I'm stuck in a very deep hole. I know it makes me sound horrible.*

You could be in your cousins position this time next year.
You will be stuck in a much deeper hole if you keep up the contact with him.

Thanks @kaitlinktm @RandomMess @another20

I haven't left it any way as I hung up on him last night after telling him he wasn't listening to me and that the idea of eloping was absurd and wouldn't solve any of our problems. Today I've been ignoring his repeated attempts at communication.

You're all completely right, this will go faster if I don't communicate with him.

I alternate between feeling like a basket case (spent more time today in the toilets than at my desk) and worrying that I sound like a broken (and very boring) record.

Thank you to those of you who are still reading this. I'm my own worst enemy for communicating with him I know.

One thing that was really odd yesterday was that we were having lunch yesterday and talking pretty openly about us and our problems. The lady beside me who was eating alone touched my leg once which I thought nothing of and then did so again when she left. I realised later she'd put her clean napkin on my lap. I put it on the table wondering why she'd done that and then when he grabbed it to wipe something on the table, saw that she'd written a message on it. We both saw it at the same time but he grabbed it and wouldn't let me see, so I have no idea what it said. He muttered about people interfering and refused to tell me what was written.

The only thing I can think of is that it was some sort of warning not to believe him or go back to him, or else a phone number to some sort of help like WA. It had to be something negative about him, or he would have shown you.

The fact that he won't tell you is very telling - he wants you isolated and with him. Please try to go no contact with him, he is trying to weasel his way back.

Wow if total strangers sitting next to you over-hearing a conversation, can see he it is such an unequal, controlling, abusive relationship and feel the need to rescue you - it must be v bad.

Again his agitation around people 'interfering' and his actions with the info on the napkin show how he is still controlling and isolating you.

They are not "our problems" - it is his problem.

Are you still moving on with the house move?

I've offered on another house so yes, still planning to move. The survey is tomorrow so hopefully it's favourable this time...

Blimey for a stranger to do that, says it all doesn't it!

He just phoned me at work. According to him it said "this guy is genuine, go for it". That doesn't explain why he wouldn't let me see it, does it? Or why he called her a crazy lady? Or said she was interfering?

Complete bullshit. You need to end it, tell him to stop contacting you.

Like buggery did it say that! If it had said that, he would have shown it to you for sure. I guarantee, it said the opposite.

You should tell him "It said that?! You're right - she must be a crazy lady then."

And then block him.

Zoo33 you must know the gist of what it says given the way it was handed over and the fact he won’t say. A complete stranger took the time to tell you to run for the hills that you tell you something

Interestingly the moment I block him, he then gets a bit nasty. If anything, that's exactly what I need to feel good about having left him.

It'll make a lovely email chain for my employer to read...

He actually asked me for money! I reminded him that he owes me far more than I owe him, to which he said I had his address and phone number if I wanted to discuss it further. As if it's worth the grief.

He thinks I'm hormonal and should be medicated for my hormones and emotional state.

What I am is getting pissed off.

Of course I'm emotional. I've broken up with the man I wanted to marry because he's controlling, I've lost a baby recently and I've realised that I hate my job. I think I'm lucky I'm still functioning.

Yep and he's using your vulnerability to try get you back. Wouldn't surprise me if the message was a woman's refuge.

Please Zoo, you need to go NC with him. He is dangerous. Stop being available to him, just stop. It takes 28 days to form new habbits. Let your new habbit be, that you'll ignore him. It will be hard the first 28 days, but then the habbit will be formed.

De lurking. I know others have said it, but you need to stop seeing/talking to him. It is only then you will really get the clarity you need to really see what has been going on, and just how controlling he is. In my experience. Even now, after more than a decade, I sometimes shake myself as another unrecognised facet of his controlling behaviour occurs to me.

I also think you will be surprised at how much better you will feel relatively quickly. Getting him out of your head is the first crucial step in your recovery, and the start of your new life.

For what it's worth , him grabbing (stealing) something meant for you, and then refusing to give it to you is an example of controlling abuse at its worst.

Haven't read everything but enough to get the gist. Yes he changed the napkin message. Or he'd be smiling and waving it in your face.

Have you looked up the grey rock technique?

The longer you keep engaging with him, the longer it will take you to be free. Seriously. Don’t treat him like a normal person because he is NOT. Right now, speaking to him and meeting him is only reconfirming his belief that all it takes you wear you down is persistence.

He’s a scary man. Disengage.