Getting out of a controlling relationship

[Zoo33]

I feel like I've woken up to how controlling and damaging my bf has been. We've been together 4 years and had plans to have children, get married and buy a house. We've not spoken in days since I left to clear my head and I have to go back tomorrow to collect my stuff and will see him.

I'm making the right decision I know that absolutely. But please give me strength - tomorrow will be so hard. I feel like such a fool for having put up with this behaviour when I can now see how controlling he's been.

This is going to sound incredibly whiney, but I need to get it off my chest. My mother has really been my lifeline through all of this but she's going away tomorrow for 6 weeks (work and holiday) and I'm dreading it. I'm already feeling tearful and sick at the thought of not being able to talk to her every day. I would absolutely not want her not to go as this has been so stressful for her too so she definitely deserves a break, but I'm struggling to see how I'll get through it without her. I've got great friends who've all been wonderful but it's not the same.

It’s not whiney at all - what it is is your insight that you know this puts you in a vulnerable position. It is brilliant that u have recognised this ahead of time. Talk to your Mum and friends and tell them this - get a plan or a process in place for when you feel at a loss. You can do it

Thanks @another20 That's a much more positive way of looking at it. I've got half a dozen family members who've promised to call me, all have said they're available at any time I need to talk / escape, I'm booked to see friends most weekends, and will be taking my nephew swimming whenever I have time. I hate feeling so emotionally vulnerable. I feel like a basket case at the moment.

You ARE emotionally vulnerable - who wouldn't be with what you are going through? ......and you are "going through it".

Look at this as a transitionary stage, which is all about processing, acceptance, reflections, insights, change and growth. You will grow away from him and into yourself - over time. It is not a straight line, there will be good days and bad days - but the bad days are 'healing". Just do what ever you can to emotionally protect yourself and aid your recovery. Putting your hand back in the fire (allowing emails etc) will put you back and delay the start of your fabulous future new life.

How did the counselling go? Are they experienced in abusive relationships? If the chemistry isn't there move on until you find the person you can work with.

Yesterday's call was an assessment - presumably to see if they think they can help and to see if I'm a risk to myself. I am being referred but there's sadly an 8 week wait - it's good to know I'm on the list now though. If it comes to it I'll go private.

It's our anniversary today. I feel utterly bereft.

hold on, zoo. there will be other, better arms to hold you one day. His would feel nice for five and then smother the life and vitality out of you.

Is there a friend you can call?

I've had a chat with a friend, but I just want to cry.

I don't know why this hurts so much. I know he's bad for me and that he was controlling and that the picture he paints of how good we were together has lots of holes in it, but it still hurts. I want it to stop.

Try to see this as a difficult day, a bump in the road. You might feel worse for a short time, once the shock and adrenaline of separating wears off, but this will pass. There will be other milestones (birthdays etc) in this first year that you need to be ready for.

Has he stopped contacting you?

Maybe think of private counselling for now, as you need it, whilst you wait for the NHS support to come through?

I think private counselling is probably a good idea. I have good days (mainly because I can see an end to my job and can't wait to move away), but am still having lots of very bad days. It's to be expected I guess but still...

He's only contacted me twice this week. Maybe he's starting to get the message.

Birthdays will be tough because they were on the same day, although it's towards the end of the year when I hope I'll be over the worst of this. The hardest day I think will be my due date in a few months, as I have no idea what to expect of that.

You're doing great! Deep breaths xxxx

It's funny how your mood changes day to day. I've decided that not having to share my birthday with him is actually a very good thing!

Yes just ride these mood waves - the negative ones will subside in time and the positive ones will carry you through. How is your health doing?

I've had a nasty cold and felt pretty unwell this past week, so I think I'm a bit run down which probably isn't surprising. My post miscarriage problems seem to be under control thanks to medication, although I'm booked in for an ultrasound this week. Fingers crossed everything is normal. More time off work though, but there's nothing I can do about it really.

He's just emailed me at work asking what I want to do about the post he's still receiving at his house. It's entirely reasonable of him to ask but I feel so unsettled now, it's horrid.

Re the post, complain again to Royal Mail.
Then make a huge list of all the people thatmight send you post, and write a list so you can advise of new address.
It's quite acceptable to say it is imperrative they change your address and that due to ending an abusive relationship you cannot afford to have any post sent to the old one.

Given what he's like, can you quickly arrange a PO box address and ask him to forward it to them?

|it sounds extreme but I think this man is more unsafe than you realise.

I've just had a family friend recommend a counsellor who does "rapid behavioural reconditioning". Seemingly you only need a handful of sessions, rather than the traditional counselling types that take months. It has to be worth a try??

Unfortunately he's not based near me - but I might be able to convince my boss to let me work from my parents' a few days a month... Pretty sure she thinks I'm a basket case already so I can't see her refusing.

hrm, never heard of that. Can't hurt I suppose

Think the Emotional Freedom Technique is probably pretty powerful though and free through some organisations.

Just had the survey report back on the house I wanted. It's really bad - assuming a couple of building regs and planning issues can even be overcome, it needs at least £20k of work just to fix the major problems, then there's a whole lot of smaller issues. I feel completely crushed. I hadn't realised how much I was pinning my hopes on it. I feel like I'm back at square one.

All I want to do is call him and I know that's not going to do any good at all.

OP, I've just read your thread and didn't want to leave without saying how incredibly brave you have been.

It probably doesn't feel like it but to walk away from a toxic relationship takes huge strength. You have started the first part of the rest of your life and that is an amazing thing.

The news about the house must have been a blow but at least you know, upfront, what the issues would be with it before you buy it if you choose to continue. It's a shame there isn't a similar service at the beginning of relationships!!

I have not much in the way of practical advice but could see you were feeling it and didn't want to read and run.

It will get better, it just sometimes feels like several eons have passed before you notice.

It isn't. Calling him is the worst thing you can do. YOu might want someone to hug you and tell you it's all going to be ok at the moment ... could you call your mum even if she's on holiday?

at least you know, upfront, what the issues would be with it before you buy it if you choose to continue. It's a shame there isn't a similar service at the beginning of relationships!!

oh boy, wish there was! :)

Zoo would it take the pressure off and keep your options open to rent for now? You are going through an awful lot and you don't need to overload yourself emotionally as you are very vulnerable right now. If you rented somewhere fun for 6 months you will have much more clarity and resilience to find a great new home and deal with the horrors of buying when you have put in the distance and healed from the break-up.

Oh how I wish there was such a relationship service! I'd pay a lot for that...

@another20 I could rent but I was hoping to get the mortgage in place before changing jobs. It's slightly naughty but I know the repayments are affordable on a lower salary, I just don't want to risk a bank taking a different view and lending less because of it.

Although, if it's a decision between buying and staying in my job for another 6 months or more, or renting for a bit and dealing with buying later, the latter is the only appealing option.

@SeaEagleFeather I spoke to Mum yesterday although it was very rushed and she's been emailing this evening with her thoughts on the house situation. I didn't tell her how close I came to calling him - I saved that conversation for my friends. I don't want to worry her when she's so far away.

@Madamswearsalot Thanks for your message. I don't feel very brave right now but it helps knowing I've got so many people rooting for me. I now know why so many people find it hard to leave toxic relationships!