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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
Allergictoironing · 09/12/2017 18:51

it has eaten him up that he can't be with the kids all the time

And despite this he can't choose between the two of you? You and kids, vs her & no kids, is such a tough decision despite him loving the DC so much?

YCAWS · 09/12/2017 18:55

He's not Sir Alan Sugar! You tell him he's fired!!!

hamptonhangingpork · 09/12/2017 19:02

I hope you're not going to reconcile and then in a year or two write a thread on mumsnet about how you hate bumping into the OW and about how they seem to have gotten away with it etc.

Those threads are so sad to read.

I wonder what things Mr Wonderful said about you to get in her knickers?

"OP and I are like brother and sister."

"We're separating and haven't had sex for years."

"She said she'd kill herself and / or hurt the kids, if I left."

"OP is a right old moaning hag, but you understand me."

Etc etc

He hasn't just wet his dick in another lady. He betrayed you and is making you do the pick me dance as well. Now, he is bringing your DS into it.

What is your line in the sand?

BewareOfDragons · 09/12/2017 19:08

He took your DS to look at a house? And it's eating 'him' up that he's not with them all the time?

Wow. That was his choice. And he chose to leave them and you for another woman rather than make his marriage work. That's on him entirely. Not you.

You choose. Choose to tell him goodbye and good luck. He will always be their dad, but you don't have to remain his wife. You are your DCs' stability. You don't need him to give them that.

I would text him again and tell him that you've decided, after much thought, that you don't want him as your DH any more as he can't be trusted to do right by you and the children as a member of your household.

Ropsleybunny · 09/12/2017 19:21

I would text him again and tell him that you've decided, after much thought, that you don't want him as your DH

That should do it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 19:27

Saw the update that’s hes looked at houses.in that case I’d call it quits
If he’s makin moves and giving himself options I’d see that as a clear sign
Gather your mates who’ll support you and I wish you well.
To the practicalities, photocopy every useful financial statement, keep the kids birth certs, the kids passports
Gather Collateral about his adultery,get an evidentiary timeline,get a solicitor

Starlight2345 · 09/12/2017 19:35

OP ...You sound more and more like you will take any scrap..

You need to get angry/

Tiddlywinks63 · 09/12/2017 19:44

....he is an amazing dad...

Wtf! He's showing his DCs that it's okay to go off and shag another woman, treat his wife of 20 years like a disposable object and then tell her whether or not he's coming back or he prefers the OW? That this is how to respect the mother of your children? Stuff that!

Wake up and smell the coffee op!

ToffeeUp · 09/12/2017 19:52

Taking DS to look at a house is just cruel. Sorry but he made his choice when contacting the estate agent Flowers

MaisyPops · 09/12/2017 19:55

Well said LipstickHandbagCoffee

This man wants to have you both fighting over him doing the pick me dance.

You tell him to get his stuff and leave.
He does not get to make the decisions.

gillybeanz · 09/12/2017 20:01

Of course he isn't an amazing dad, because they don't do this.
If he chooses you he has a vacancy for a mistress.
I would imagine he'd have that filled by Christmas.
You deserve so much better, please tell him to sling his hook. Thanks

diddl · 09/12/2017 20:11

So I wonder how the conversation with his son went.

"I might have to live here if your mum doesn't let me move back in"Hmm

How old are the kids?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/12/2017 20:12

He might be an amazing Dad, but he is not an amazing husband. He's not even "OK" as a husband. If he truely is an amazing Dad, he'll make being a NRP work.

Even if you think you might consider taking him back, he has to do a lot of changing first. The first step you can do to put him on that road is to tell him that you've thought about it, and the man he is right now, not sure if he loves you 'enough', still saying he loves another woman, completely confused about what he wants from life - is not a man you want. If he wants you back, then he has to convince you that your life will be better with him in it and he deserves you. The man making you play the "pick me dance" is not a man who deserves you.

Once he's changed, you'll think about it. But it's very important you tell him this weekend that "it's no longer your choice". He has to realise he's lost the power to keep all options open, and will have to fight to get the option of you back. If he does love you and this is some sort of mid-life-crisis fuckwittery, then that might be enough to shock him out of it.

If you take him back now, he'll always feel you are the lucky one that he picked you.

If you tell him he doesn't deserve you and make him work like mad to win you back (for at least half a year), then he'll feel like he was the lucky one that you gave him a second chance. Or he'll decide that he only wanted you if you were the easy option so not be all that fussed about you - and at least you know that his claims to love you were just him wanting a plan B.

SunshineClouds · 09/12/2017 20:16

he is an amazing dad

Speaking as the daughter of a father who consistently put my mother through what you are going through, he is not a good father.

IME, children don't really understand the "I'm leaving your mother but not you." His selfish actions break up the family - it's not all about him.

As others have said, don't do the pick me dance. Tell him if he can't decide between you and the OW in a microsecond, then he has chosen the OW.

Worriedrose · 09/12/2017 20:21

I know you might not want to hear this. But he's a cunt to her too. He's basically a full stop cunt.
Telling her all kinds of things which she might believe and vice versa.
You are both better off without him

honeyroar · 09/12/2017 20:34

Horrible selfish man. He's not thinking about anyone AT ALL other than himself. He's even messing with his son's head, showing him somewhere his dad might live (unless he gets a more tempting offer). I hope you sleep on it for a couple of nights and realise you don't need this shit in your life and you need to show your son how a woman should be treated and respected, because God knows what example his dad will show him.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 09/12/2017 20:38

Hmm I'm more likely to think he's had a bust up with OW and is waiting for her to make up her mind. I hate to say this but I think you're plan B. Seriously why would he need to wait until this weekend to decide? This doesn't stack up.

For the record I've been there and I made the decision for XH when I left. Spineless indecisive cheating men are so unattractive.

GetAwayFromHer · 09/12/2017 20:38

"It's eating him up he can't be with the kids all the time"

Hear that? It's the sound of chickens coming home to roost

ptumbi · 09/12/2017 20:44

He might be an amazing dad Hmm who shits of his children to go off with another woman, but he can still be an amazing dad Hmm without being a husband.

And your children will survive - with an amazing mother.

ratspeaker · 09/12/2017 20:56

My dear, its time you shed the goblin like meekness and stoud proud like your namesake with her harp.

Joysmum · 09/12/2017 21:20

He's even messing with his son's head, showing him somewhere his dad might live (unless he gets a more tempting offer)

Well said, that’s what I thought and that’s not the actions of a ‘good dad’ Hmm

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2017 21:32

Btw, he is an amazing dad

NO HE ISN'T!!

and it has eaten him up that he can't be with the kids all the time.

And whose fault was that?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 09/12/2017 21:38

He's involving your son in this.

Bad. Bad. Bad.

akaWisey · 09/12/2017 21:52

OP I still kick myself, nearly 7 years on, that I didn't choose me when I first had the opportunity.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/12/2017 22:00

@CupOfFrothyCoffee, good call, listen up OP, wise words here !