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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercheese · 09/12/2017 22:08

The only thing he deserves are his balls on a platter.

He is testing you and basically you are literally letting him feed you shit. I guarantee that this man will never be faithful. I don't believe once a cheat always a cheat but with his attitude and actually trying to make you grateful that he may deign you with his presence. He is lower than the belly of a snake.

You take him back I see a wired of misery and pain for you and your dc.

caringcarer · 09/12/2017 22:18

My ex husband had affair after 21 years of marriage and 3 children together. It was very, very hard because I still loved him but I felt sick thinking he had slept with ow and knew I could not sleep with him again after betrayal so packed up his clothes into bin bags, got locks changed put clothes into taxi and got driver to drop it at ow house and text him to only contact me through solicitor. I did not answer his calls or speak to him directly because I did not trust myself not to take him back. I remarried 2 years later and am so very glad I never allowed him back. Be strong. He is treating you like shit. He obviously does not love you or he would not have had affair. You are worth so much more than this person. Take control follow my example get solicitor.

sleepwouldbenice · 09/12/2017 23:13

Sweetheart. Sorry I haven't read the full thread but when I was in a similar situation the beautiful south song 'a little time' gave me strength. You are worth more than this and time will help you realise that. Much love. X

SandyY2K · 09/12/2017 23:42

This is a classic case of "The person who cares the least, holding the most power".

GummyGoddess · 09/12/2017 23:54

I don't usually post on relationship threads, but it is not "eating him up" that he's not with the children. He wants you to feel sorry for them and knows that bringing them into it will work.

He is manipulating you and has no qualms about using the children to keep you where he wants you.

I guarantee if you tell him to sod off or if he decides the other woman is the winner he will hardly ever see his children and will pay the lowest possible maintenance he can if he pays at all.

Do you want to be with someone who will use their own children to manipulate you?

perfectstorm · 10/12/2017 00:06

He has my ds this weekend and my ds told me that they went to look at a house that his dad might live in.

Btw, he is an amazing dad

OP, can you not see the contradiction there? Really?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/12/2017 07:22

The cheating rat isalready getting his ducks in a row, you need to do the same.

differentnameforthis · 10/12/2017 07:25

Make the decision for him. He is keeping you both warm while "making his choice" when in reality, he wants you both.

He will never be as committed as you need him to be, and there is always a risk he will leave again if he does come back...don't play the pick me dance. Leave him.

MrsDilber · 10/12/2017 08:12

So sorry to read this OP. You said after a couple of months you could see the light, you need to let him go, you deserve better and you will see that light again. Don't let him play with your heart/head. He's not committed. Right now it's crap, but it will be ok.

Onmyownwith4kids · 10/12/2017 08:57

I went through exactly this. I spent months dancing around waiting for him to make his choice. Four years ago he spent Half of Christmas Day with us. Saying how much he loved his family and has made the biggest mistake ever. I later found he went for another Christmas dinner with ow and her family where they merrily discussed divorce and how resilient children were. He'd been carrying on like this for months. For your husband to still have a choice he must be telling ow there is hope for a future for them. I divorced my ex. He spent months weeping and wailing and asking to come back. All while posting Facebook pictures of his glorious live with her. Once someone shows you who they are believe them. My biggest regret is the time and energy I spent trying to win him back. Good luck. I remember how devastating it was but now the thought of having him back makes me shudder

gingerclementine · 10/12/2017 20:02

I agree 100% with all the posters who challenge him being an amazing dad. He thinks the happiness of his willy is more important than their happiness and stability. That doesn't even come close to neutral, adequate parenting, let alone good parenting.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/12/2017 20:54

The first thing I thought when I read your Op was that he has an appointment with a solicitor later in the week to work out the financials etc. then if it's all too hard he would pick you.

But taking his son to see a house!!!! That is absolutely messing with your child's head. What a nasty nasty man.

A decent man would not breath a word of his future intentions to your children until you had sat down together and worked out a strategy. All he is doing is putting guilt and ensuring he will need counselling later.

Just pull the pin. Start a CMS claim and make an appointment with your own lawyer.

And I'm sorry. It sucks and it will hurt but better than the alternative

Greedynan · 11/12/2017 08:49

When something is hard to hear, pay attention to it because it is often resonating with something significant, something you're already aware of but perhaps in denial about.

You are being way too sympathetic to him and his needs. In no way am I blaming you for his pathetic behaviour. But a person will treat you in exactly the way you allow them to. He decided to cheat. It is now your decision as to whether or not to continue this marriage with a man who has betrayed you and your dc.

Do you seriously think you will be at peace with this man? I predict a marriage filled with doubt and pain. How do you come back from what he's done and how he's behaving now. The marriage you had is gone now and you will never have that back because of his actions.

cherryontopp · 11/12/2017 10:29

Even if he does chose you, theres no gurantee he wont keep shagging her or someone else.

You've done everything you can for your marriage, its him that's ruined it, not you.

Tell him, he made his choice when he started sleeping with her, tell him you dont want him anymore.
It will be hard cos in your mind, your the one whos making the final decision to split up, when it was him that pushed you to do it.
If your kids ask one day why you both split, you can tell them and they will completely understand

pinkbraces · 11/12/2017 10:41

If you believe his actions are that of an amazing dad it just shows how skewed your judgement is.
Amazing dad's are honest, they dont lie and deceive. An amazing dad can leave the marriage in the right way without the need for cheating and deceiving.
He is most definitely not an amazing dad.

ferando81 · 11/12/2017 10:55

Do what you want .You might feel you need to give him another chance.Later you might find that it was a mistake to have taken him back.It doesn't matter if you make a mistake.
Be kind to yourself ,be selfish ,think of your needs and wants

Killerfiller · 11/12/2017 11:23

He is making his final descision this weekend?

It's not the apprentice!

End the situation whilst you have a tiny bit of self respect left op please!!!

cakecakecheese · 11/12/2017 12:20

No no no! He doesn't get to 'choose'. Letting him just swan back in if he deigns to do so will give him the message that he can do philandering whenever he likes and if it doesn't work out, or if he can't find a nice place to live he can just move back in with you. He should be desperately trying to be forgiven by you not be fannying about 'deciding'.

I agree that an 'amazing' dad would not be doing this, he's being cruel to the mother of his children, and confusing the kids, amazing dad's don't do that.

GottadoitGottadoit · 11/12/2017 12:38

There is no guarantee that his final decision would be final. It's just words.

RaspberryOverload · 11/12/2017 13:34

OP, are you sure this is the first affair?

He's being very manipulative of you, and from what you post you are the fall-back option.

Unless he comes back willing to work on whatever led him to choose an affair (and make no mistake, he made a choice, it was not accidental), then the marriage is dead in the water, no matter how long you are physically together after he returns.

Make sure you see a solicitor to gather information; even if you choose to take him back, this information will be of use to you if he starts trying to bullshit you. You need to know what the likely financials will be post-divorce, and remember your DH can still be a dad while living elsewhere.

HopingForSomeSnow · 11/12/2017 13:48

There is a lot of good advice here.
You'd do well to listen to a few people who have been there and got the t-shirt.
You are being played good and proper.

Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 11/12/2017 14:12

I am still listening. I know that this was his first affair and that he only had a very brief fling before running off to be with her. There is a huge fantasy life that he thinks he will get with her as she shares the same hobby and they have dreams of travelling the world together having exciting adventures that I can't/won't do with him (way too difficult for me).
Even after he left we still got on really well together (weird I know) and so this past four weeks with him keep changing his mind has been particularly hard.
One of my friends told me at the weekend that to put myself in a vulnerable position is actually a brave thing to do and I think that she is right. Me telling him to sling his hook doesn't actually achieve anything at this point.

OP posts:
Bringbeboback · 11/12/2017 14:17

I totally understand how difficult it must be for you (I've been through similar) and you just want to cling onto your old life with him as much as possible.
He isn't the same person and has treated you despicably. He might very well be going through a mid life crisis and some mental health issues but that isn't a green light to treat your partner so terribly and break their heart.
Even if he does choose you this weekend, you'll always have this paranoid cloud hanging over your relationship that he might leave again or cheat. If he genuinely loved you he wouldn't have ever left in the first place, he clearly thought the grass was greener and is now having a wobble that it might not be.
Your relationship can never go back to being what it was. It is forever tainted and you need to do yourself a big favour and be single or find a man who understands how to treat a woman with respect and love no matter what difficulties the relationship may face

Annelind · 11/12/2017 14:18

Brave? Doormat more like.

colouringinagain · 11/12/2017 14:20

So sorry to hear you're in this situation OP and I totally understand what you mean about making the marriage work for your kids. I've been there.

But this man has lied to you, been unfaithful, betrayed the mother of his children and sounds utterly selfish. He has ended this marriage not you.

I agree with others in saying. No, you don't get to choose, you cheated, it's over. Fuck off.

It's v hard, but you will get through this x