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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
hamptonhangingpork · 09/12/2017 17:15

Kick his cheating arse to the curb.

You deserve so much better than just being his safety net when his various bits on the side throw him back.

He is hedging his bets with you, nothing more.

Ropsleybunny · 09/12/2017 17:20

Lipstick you seem to be suggesting she lets him believe he can choose. Having trouble making sense of your post, sorry.

He's fucked up already choosing another woman, to actually sit and let him decide is totally humiliating for the OP and I and others are trying to point that out.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 17:24

I’m saying she should chose. Leave him or stay.up to her
Op doesn’t need to justify her decision to mn,nor does she need to get a grip
Just because majority thread say LTB doesn’t mean she has to.up to her

perfectstorm · 09/12/2017 17:26

I could be wrong, but I think what Lipstick is saying is:

  1. Do not allow him to think he gets to choose between the two of you. Tell him you want space and time away from him, and stick to that. Both of you can then work out what is there, and salvageable, if anything.

  2. Do not write off a marriage solely because of an affair unless you are quite sure that is the best thing for you. Some marriages survive them, some do not - don't decide something so huge based on views on a forum.

  3. She's not compelled to allow him to choose anything. But nor should she refuse to consider reconciliation if that's what she wants.

I could be wrong? But that's my reading. And Lipstick and I often see very much less than eye to eye, but I actually agree with her.

I have messaged him but said that what I think that he needs to do is to stop this and take six months, have some therapy and concentrate on healing himself. If he chooses that path then I will get on with rebuilding my own life and not hang around hoping that he might come back one day. I know that I am strong even if I seem pathetic at the moment. I will come out of this fighting for my own sanity. I have already told him that choosing me is the hard choice as we will need to do a huge amount of work to come back from all of the hurt, while he can just run away from it if he goes to her.

I think that sounds wise, OP. I am so very sorry you are enduring all of this. It will pass, and one day will be that horrific time you can't quite imagine how you got past, and through, towards a happier future. But you will. Flowers

diddl · 09/12/2017 17:27

"I’m saying she should chose. Leave him or stay.up to her"

He might choose the OW...

Tinselistacky · 09/12/2017 17:28

Healing himself??!
His battered penis ya mean??
Nowt wrong with him - twatitis is not a medical condition.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 17:31

I’m saying she doesn’t need to get a grip or justify herself to anyone inc mn
In real life,you know away from the iPad,marriages do encounter infidelity
And people select a number of ways to respond. The op can legitimately chose her own response
I know folk who stayed together after OW and folk who’ve split,we all do
I think it’s not necessarily the default LTB unless it what she wants

CharisMama · 09/12/2017 17:33

I'm sure I'm repeating whta the others have said but ''I'm going to make a final decision this weekend'' omg, the arrogance of that statement. The decision is his and his only, the two options are still available to him. He probably feels tormented by his dilemma!

I know it must be so hard when you're right in the middle of it, but if this is a difficult decision for him then take yourself out of the ''race''. You never entered this race.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 17:33

He might chose the ow?yes so what of it?
It’s not a race.the first person who decides is the winner

diddl · 09/12/2017 17:35

"He might chose the ow?yes so what of it?"

Then the Op doesn't get to choose to stay!

perfectstorm · 09/12/2017 17:35

It might be better for the OP if he did choose the OW, tbh. He doesn't sound a prize. And he might choose the OW anyway - what difference does a break to get her head together make? She may not want him either after that break.

I think the main thing here is to somehow manage to create an environment where the kids have two parents, together or apart, and furthermore two parents who don't hate one another.

ladystarkers · 09/12/2017 17:35

Step out op don’t give him a choice. You are worth more.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 17:37

Yes her dh is a dirty shagger,that’s a given.no one excusing him of owt
This all about op,her kids,her choices,and her need to get some clarity to decide what she wants
I have two v good friends.both unfortunately had a shagger dh who had ow
One chose to stay,she wanted to.theyre still married
Other left. She wanted him gone.theyre not married

Lweji · 09/12/2017 17:38

This was more than infidelity.

He left. For the other woman.
He still (supposedly) can't decide between the two.

This is playing games and messing with the two women (or at least the OP).
That is why the OP should tell him to go. Not simply the infidelity.
At best, it should require major work on his side and clear commitment from him for the OP to even consider letting him go back.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 17:41

I think some of you are overinvested in choosing what op should do
In example I gave both the men had ow that the husband left partner for

Mulch · 09/12/2017 17:46

Op even if he comes back given his track history I'd give it a few weeks and he'll only leave again. Stop giving him so much power and close that door firmly shut

BluePlasticBuddha · 09/12/2017 17:48

OP- you say you need to be able to tell your kids you fought for the marriage. Was he fighting for the marriage when he fell into another woman? Was he twisting himself into knots trying to protect them?

whoputthecatout · 09/12/2017 17:55

Why not just say you/re making his hard choice easy for him - as in "count me out".

ptumbi · 09/12/2017 17:59

Of course she doesn't have to LTB. She could wait to see if He chooses her. If he doesn't, all good.

If he does - well, then He has a lot of work to do, regaining trust and resisting temptation.

And then - he might do it all again. Angry

He can't do it to OP (and his own children)again if he's kicked to the kerb now.

Greedynan · 09/12/2017 18:00

Remove yourself from the equation. Usually a wonderful man? He's undone all that now. He's a dick and he's taking the poss out of you. Do not be a doormat. Sorry if I sound harsh but you're giving him permission to choose? Show him the fucking door. You deserve so much better xx

gluteustothemaximus · 09/12/2017 18:03

How DARE he leave you hanging and waiting on his decision. What a fucking arsehole.

Choosing between his wife and children who he has betrayed, and his new woman. It doesn’t get more disrespectful than that.

Why does HE need healing time? OP. Please. We are out in force because it is utterly disgusting how he has treated you, and how low your self esteem must be to allow him time to decide between you and this other woman.

Get some real life support. Text him, and say, decision made...I want you to leave. It’s a big decision, but you will look back and be so glad you did.

I wish wish wish I’d have done the same with my ex. It’s humiliating being second best. You need to be number one. Far better to be single. Trust me.

Good luck xxx

BelleandBeast · 09/12/2017 18:05

You need to remember the lying he did so he could put his penis inside another woman on numerous occasions and how he enjoyed it so much he left his wife and kids. That is him NOW, not the wonderful man you recall.

You could still have a happy life - but not with him. You'll never get over it and he's not willing to give his all to try.

Take some power back and close the door on him.

Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 18:38

He has my ds this weekend and my ds told me that they went to look at a house that his dad might live in. Hmm.
Btw, he is an amazing dad and it has eaten him up that he can't be with the kids all the time. But I have been very clear that I don't want him to come back because of them.
Thanks for all the feedback, even if it is hard to hear

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/12/2017 18:46

he is an amazing dad and it has eaten him up that he can't be with the kids all the time

He's not that amazing if he didn't think about that before.

So, he'll want joint custody and 50-50, right?

PoorYorick · 09/12/2017 18:46

Btw, he is an amazing dad

Yeah, now I KNOW he's a raging tosspot. Well, it was blindingly obvious the way he informs his wife and his mistress that he will soon be making his final choice between them, but this is just the icing on the shit sundae.

OP, I don't believe that people who have affairs are all automatically evil narcissistic hedonists. I think they can be complicated situations and good people can do bad things. But telling you both to hang on and wait while he chooses which of you he wants? Who in the fuck does he think he is? How dare he?