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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/12/2017 15:25

I wouldn't allow him a choice, if he does come back, he'll only leave again.
Your children will learn that their DM is strong, and not a doormat to be walked on.
He can still be a Father.
Sending you strength OP, I'm sorry you are going through this.🌺

Offred · 09/12/2017 15:31

The most important thing to your dc is not whether you stay together now or not, it’s what you and your h show them about what marriage is.

Because what you model to them about how marriages and LTR is the pattern they will use for their own relationships as adults.

Yes it will be upsetting for them to deal with the end of your marriage but this is a much lesser burden than the legacy you would leave them by putting up with his shitty and disrespectful treatment of you.

If you allow him to make this choice you will be modelling that this is how marriage is for them. They’ll be more likely to either put up with this kind of shit themselves, do this kind of shit themselves or completely avoid commitment out of a fear this will happen to them.

Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 15:37

I am with some old joint friends who are being very supportive. I just can't forget the person that he was. I have messaged him but said that what I think that he needs to do is to stop this and take six months, have some therapy and concentrate on healing himself. If he chooses that path then I will get on with rebuilding my own life and not hang around hoping that he might come back one day. I know that I am strong even if I seem pathetic at the moment. I will come out of this fighting for my own sanity. I have already told him that choosing me is the hard choice as we will need to do a huge amount of work to come back from all of the hurt, while he can just run away from it if he goes to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 15:39

I should say that the children have no Idea of either the ow or that we have been reconciling, I don't want to pull them in to any of this message.

OP posts:
RaspberryOverload · 09/12/2017 15:42

I have already told him that choosing me is the hard choice as we will need to do a huge amount of work to come back from all of the hurt

No, not "we", "he" will need to do a huge amoount of work. He's the one who chose to have an affair, to leave (and not once), betray the trust of you and your children. No, he needs to be working on himself and grovelling to you.

If he claims that he had an affair because of "issues within your marriage" just remember that a decent adult would have talked to their partner about identifying and fixing issues, not sodding off with an OW.

Offred · 09/12/2017 15:42

I think the trouble is that you haven’t really fully caught up with the reality of the situation. That is not surprising (or pathetic - you don’t seem pathetic at all!) but the reality is that he is a cheater - you can’t trust his word to mean anything.

He could ‘choose’ you this weekend and go right back to having an affair with her or someone else or he could ‘choose’ her and keep trying it on with you, or he could ‘choose’ you or her and then in a few months go through this whole thing again; wondering who to be with etc

Offred · 09/12/2017 15:45

Who he is in a relationship with is not worth all this angsting over. He’s shown he is not actually capable of being with anyone ATM.

He should be focussing on rebuilding his relationships with his DC and helping them adjust to him living elsewhere not angsting over which woman he wants.

Lweji · 09/12/2017 15:47

No, not "we", "he" will need to do a huge amoount of work.

This.

Still, I would give no promises.

How was he with his children when he left? Are they adults or still young?

Shakey15000 · 09/12/2017 15:48

What are you supposed to do if he "picks" you?? Fall to your knees in gratitude? Fuck that. Can you see how it reads? Good luck

Pebbles1989 · 09/12/2017 15:50

So much good advice on this thread already - worth reading and re-reading.

I just wanted to add that I wouldn’t be surprised if the OW is under a different impression entirely. He might have fed her a totally different story and she thinks it’s already a happy ever after!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/12/2017 15:51

Has the OW left her new husband or are they carrying behind his back?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/12/2017 15:51

There's one way to put a stop to his nonsense and that's you telling him to bugger off.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/12/2017 16:03

OP, you're DH is a different man, to the one you married.
Used to be's, don't count anymore.
You are talking about him, as if he has developed an illness.

DavetheCat2001 · 09/12/2017 16:07

He is not a 'wonderful man', OP.

He is low-life piece of odious shit, not worthy of sticking to the bottom of your shoe.

Please for god's sake tell this pathetic excuse of a human to do one. You'll be SO much happier in the long run. He'll never be a good husband to you.

Hold your head up high x

TammySwansonTwo · 09/12/2017 16:08

Was he worrying about looking his children in the face while he was having sex with someone else? I highly doubt it. The worst thing you can do for children is give them the idea that this is acceptable in a marriage. They will grow up to very proud of how strong their mum is, I'm sure. My mum divorced my dad when I was a baby and my sister preschool age. I never once wondered why she left him - that was clear from his behaviour.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 16:08

You need to decide what’s right for you,you’re not compelled to follow mn advice
Online forums can be searingly honest,they also can be strident and falsely yo you go girlfriend
You’re not compelled to let dh chose.you can ask for time to decide,what option best for you
Some marriages don’t survive infidelity and some do.perhaps write down pro/con each option

If you do decide to remain married you need to have a frank discussion and fidelity, boundaries and how he treats you and family

Inertia · 09/12/2017 16:13

On the flip side, how can you look your children in the face if you show them that women are there to be subservient to men, to be at their beck and call, to have their lives controlled by men who think with the contents of their pants?

How can you look the children in the face knowing that , even if their father is living with them at the time, he's quite happy to pull their lives crashing down to satisfy his own desires?

How can you look them in the face knowing that they could have a happy , stable family life with a parent who loves and prioritises them, rather than repeatedly being dumped when a better offer comes along?

abouttimeforanotherone · 09/12/2017 16:32

I have already told him that choosing me is the hard choice

Hang on, he chose to leave your marriage, it needs to be YOU doing the choosing whether you want him back or not.

He's the one who needs to be grovelling and begging your forgiveness, and pleading with you to take him back. Otherwise he will expect you to be grateful that he wants you after all, and you will be expected to be bending over backwards to smooth things over and make compromises.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 09/12/2017 16:33

I have messaged him but said that what I think that he needs to do is to stop this and take six months, have some therapy and concentrate on healing himself

I would advise YOU to take 6 months before any decision is made(by you, not him), I guarantee you, your thinking will be completely different.

Whinesalot · 09/12/2017 16:44

Yes assume that its over with a 6 month date to review things. I hope that you won't need him by then, although TBH I think a clean break now would be better. Thinking there may be hope in 6 months will stop you moving on as quickly.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/12/2017 16:52

* I have messaged him but said that what I think that he needs to do is to stop this and take six months, have some therapy and concentrate on healing himself*.
At least add “I will also use this time to consider what I want and explore alternative futures”. Don’t let it be all about him.

gingerclementine · 09/12/2017 17:02

I really hope you let him know that choosing between the two of you is not an option you'd consider. If he wants you back he should come crawling on his belly, not dithering between you.

I hope you aren't around over the weekend, so he can't talk to you and let you know who 'won' him. Be busy. Lots and lots of children are raised by parents who've split up. I agree with you it's not ideal but neither is being raised in an atmosphere and with a lack of trust and a power imbalance. Not healthy.

Just focus on contact with him revolving around him spending plenty of time with his own children so he doesn't get to slope out of their lives.

Ropsleybunny · 09/12/2017 17:04

Sorry OP but with every post you're sounding more pathetic. Dear God woman have you read what you've posted:

I have already told him that choosing me.....

You cannot just sit around like a totally pathetic excuse for a woman whilst this arsehole decides who he is choosing.

Please listen to the collective wisdom of the women on here and get a flipping grip.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 09/12/2017 17:15

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Message him now and tell him clearly and finally that there is no picking to be done - he chose the OW when he broke up your 20 year marriage to be with her and as such you are no longer an option for him.
You need to act decisively to claim back some sense of yourself. This is not a good man.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/12/2017 17:15

What you mean ropsley,is listen to what you and others say. Be all yo!kick him to kerb
Just because it’s a mn majority opinion doesn’t mean op compelled to follow
maybe op would be better having clear thinking time,clear from him and mn opinion

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