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Original poster

DH choosing between me and the OW

449 replies

Tearsofthemushroom · 09/12/2017 12:40

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 11/12/2017 19:04

Actually it's a good point, it's monday now, he was going to make his mind up over the weekend. That's been and gone.

So either he's made his mind up, it's not you and he's too scared to tell you, or he's made his mind up, it is you, but he's going to make you suffer a bit longer so you are suitably 'grateful'. Or he can't make his mind up, he wants "family life" and "fun single life" with her, and isn't prepared to chose, so will string you both along. Not nice.

Even if you won't tell him it's over, be prepared for the idea it's not you, so get some legal advice, get any paperwork together, and be prepared for hearing "I pick OW".

StealthNinjaMum · 11/12/2017 19:07

Op, this makes me so sad.

Even if he does choose you you'll be forever wondering why, if the ow rejected him, if he's staying for the kids / house / finances not you, if he gets a text you'll be wondering who it's from, if he's late home from work you'll wonder if he's with another woman.

For the sake of your mental health please tell him to bugger off, he isn't good enough to lick dogshit off your boots.

Flowers
Ropsleybunny · 11/12/2017 19:08

At one time I had very low self esteem, which came about because I had a father who dominated my mum, my sister and me. Both my sister and me married young and both men were bullies, just like my father.

My sister's husband started an affair and he was also flitting between her and the OW. He messed with my sister's head and she went from a slightly plump 11stone down to 5stone, she died shortly after that. It was horrendous to watch.

Luckily, I had the strength to leave my marriage and I'm now married to a lovely man who treats me well. However, in the interim I changed dramatically. I became a confident woman who won't stand for any crap.

OP, you need to become a confident woman who won't stand for any crap, it's the only way to have a good relationship. I suggest you seek some counselling to help you build your self-esteem.

GreyTS · 11/12/2017 19:30

Fucking hell woman, do yourself a favour and read back all your posts! You are embarrassing yourself, your kids deserve better than this weak scrap of tissue paper you have become. Show your sons that no woman should put up with this shit, plus how could you ever have his filthy dirty dick inside you again 🤢

CharisMama · 11/12/2017 19:45

Ropsley, that is awful, I'm glad you're strong and confident and loved by a good man now, but to have lost your sister for ever because of family history and familiar dynamics drawing her back in, it's so sad.
I feel randomly very moved by your post. I spent 7 years with a controlling man who was very disapproving and I couldn't understand why but my mother's approval was very conditional. She would shoot down every idea I ever had, with a sweet smile. When I was upset she would get angry with me for being sensitive or self-aborsed and tell me I was selfish if I ever asserted that I was hurt or if I ever asserted my OWN will I was awkward. But every body thinks she's a very nice woman. My x was just like her. The power of a familiar dynamic, huh! Such a relief to see it and be able to reverse away from the familiarity of being disapproved of, controlled, manipulated. I do remember when I met my ex, I kind of knew rationally he wasn't a GREAT GUY but I felt compelled to get his approval. Never got it!

CharisMama · 11/12/2017 19:50

ps, has your friend read Brene Brown's rising strong and misunderstood the power of vulnerability.

Channelling BB's message (and I like that book) I would see the vulnerability not as returning passively to the familiar because you're afraid of the unknown and you think the devil you know is better. Yes there's a vulnerability in that decision, but the vulnerability that Brene Brown is describing is about taking a risk and accepting that there is vulnerability in taking a risk. To be brave enough to take the risk, knowing that you hope it'll work out you plan for it to work out but if it doesn't land how you hope it will, you will get through that. You're strong enough to survive and navigate around a ''failure''.

Sorry if that sounds like I'm self-helpsplaining.

GummyGoddess · 11/12/2017 20:12

Read what you wrote.

There is a huge fantasy life that he thinks he will get with her as she shares the same hobby and they have dreams of travelling the world together having exciting adventures that I can't/won't do with him (way too difficult for me).

Where's the concern for children there? He doesn't picture them in his fantasy life, he wants to go travelling with her, not you, not your children. He wants to abandon you all so he can shag her across the globe. When it all goes wrong and he's hit with the reality, he's going to want to come crawling back to you, if you accept him then he learns he can do it again.

Even after he left we still got on really well together (weird I know) and so this past four weeks with him keep changing his mind has been particularly hard.

He's being nice because he isn't sure how badly he will come across during a divorce or how much he stands to lose.

One of my friends told me at the weekend that to put myself in a vulnerable position is actually a brave thing to do and I think that she is right. Me telling him to sling his hook doesn't actually achieve anything at this point.

Your friend is talking absolute crap. She's telling you what she thinks you want to hear! From a completely objective outside point of view, you're voluntarily walking towards a breakdown.

You're happy for him to go shag someone else and then come back to you. If you take him back he will do it again and again and ping pong between you and whichever woman currently takes his fancy.

He doesn't care about you or the children as much as himself. He is dithering over choosing you or another woman, if he doesn't know he wants and loves her, then why was she worth destroying you for? If he does know he wants her then he'd biding his time to make sure he gets the best possible divorce settlement, possibly being nice to you will continue until the divorce is final so he can have a good shot at screwing you over.

Please get rid of him. Do not sleep with him. Think of your children, he's putting them through Hell and he knows it.

Ropsleybunny · 11/12/2017 20:17

CharisMama

Thanks for your words. My sister passing in such awful circumstances was dreadful. Her husband sucked every bit of self respect out of her and in the end she was just a shell.

I feel for the OP, as her situation is the same as my sister's.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 11/12/2017 20:23

WTF are these all-consuming hobbies these men have? Either way if he’s time for that, an affair and is planning trips around the world with OW he most certainly is not eaten up by being apart from his children. And showing your DS the house is despicable behaviour.

Haffiana · 11/12/2017 20:24

Text him:

Dear DH. I think you are wonderful and I hope that you choose me. I have found being in this position of not knowing what you will decide has made me feel brave and special, and I hope that if you come back to me that I will feel like that again often. I am happy to wait if you want to go and be with OW for longer to help you decide. Of course I deeply understand and have complete sympathy with your fantasy of a perfect life with her. In fact I SO understand you and how you feel when you are with her because I love you so much and understand you better than you do yourself, that I do not need in the slightest to even ask myself how I feel, or even whether anything I feel has any importance. It is so much braver, nobler and nicer to understand YOU.

I also think that my daughters should also feel special and brave like this when they are in relationships, and I hope that together we can make sure that they become the sort of young women who never feel confidant enough to believe that being respected or that what they want is any part of a relationship. Instead they should understand that they should not assert their own boundaries but always put their partners needs and wishes first, even when their partners are piss-taking, pathetic shits. They should see this as their example of how adults behave.

Our sons should also take your direct example of how to treat a partner, that is, by considering only what they want at all times. Who knows, maybe they will also feel so wonderfully free to have affairs and then ask for their partners understanding, sympathy and saintliness when they have a 'difficult' decision to make? You will show them won't you, that it is perfectly OK to consider yourself a wonderful father whilst destroying their security and their mother?

Greedynan · 11/12/2017 20:28

I think you're in denial about your situation right now. You're not quite ready to face up to the fact that the marriage you had, that you invested in and committed to, is now over.

I wish you all the best. And I hope you feel you can keep posting here and be supported. Some of these posts may seem harsh but it's because people feel so strongly about how you've been treated, how you are continuing to be treated and the fact that you're so sympathetic to your husband despite the things he's done/is doing. Not just to you but to your dc Too.

GummyGoddess · 11/12/2017 23:07

Tearsofthemushroom I am sorry if it does sound harsh, but this is one of the worst threads I've read about affairs. I cannot believe he thinks he has the right to choose one of you as though he's an amazing prize, and you're letting him do it!

You can do so much better, don't let him treat you like this, he's absolute scum and he's a brilliant liar. Never believe anything he says, only believe his actions.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2017 23:19

its a good point that frank underwoods wife makes, do you work op? Are you financially independent or do you rely on this man for money? Is financial need part of why you’re behaving as you are?

Have you spoken to him? Has he made his decision?

Chardonnaymoi · 11/12/2017 23:25

He doesn't love you. I'm sorry..... you need to focus on you now and building a future for yourself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/12/2017 23:27

In the six months he is away, get some therapy for yourself and build yourself back up as an independent person, then see if you still want him back.

RemainOptimistic · 12/12/2017 04:12

Would you have an affair with a man because you could abandon your DC and travel the world doing a hobby OP? No? Why not?

Because that would be completely selfish and irresponsible.

FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg · 12/12/2017 04:50

Op you do it for your children.
I see you have a son.
If he was treating a woman like this in let's say 20 years time how ashamed would you feel? Set an example to him of how women should be respected and treated.
If you had a daughter, what advice would you give her? Not to take back a man who had persistently lied and cheated. To be with someone who respects and cherishes her every day, not who is ambivalent whether he wants her or not.

saoirse31 · 12/12/2017 07:41

There's nothing brave about acting like you don't matter op. This is not some 90 minute drama where real love triumphs at the end. Its your life and you're letting a man whose already shown you what he thinks of you - not much- make all the decisions, hanging on his every word and action. For your own self respect and for your children, you need to start making decisions for you and them.

Mymycherrypie · 12/12/2017 07:52

The weekend has happened. Did you win?

Even if you did get picked over the ow, this weekend was an arbitrary date and it's likely he could change his mind at any moment. Why was this weekend the cut off? Does he stop wanted to fuck the other woman as of 12:00 last night?

ptumbi · 12/12/2017 08:34

Me telling him to sling his hook doesn't actually achieve anything at this point. - actually, it would achieve a lot.

It would show him that you have a bot of self-esteem.
It would show him that he is not the fucking centre of everyone's world, only there to be of use to him (you, OW, kids,the lot)
It would show him that you have options! You do not need to sit at home waiting for 'golden knob' to choose when to see you.
It would show him that you are strong, and not a weak little person to be picked up and put down as/when he chooses.

It would show you that you are strong, and not a weak person to be picked up and put down when HE (or anyone else) chooses.

Please, find some anger! Stop listening to your stupid friend, who probably is just saying stuff for the sake of something to say.

Get angry.

Only1scoop · 12/12/2017 08:45

Bloody hell I would certainly take his 'choice' away from him.

Only1scoop · 12/12/2017 08:46

Cringing at which of you poor women got the 'prize'

Joysmum · 12/12/2017 08:53

Cringing at which of you poor women got the 'prize'

Well said 👍

Also for those who would try ‘for the children’ FeedMyFaceWithBaternburg at 04:50 has it spot on.

gingerclementine · 12/12/2017 08:57

Would you have an affair with a man because you could abandon your DC and travel the world doing a hobby OP? No? Why not?

This. Ask yourself this again and again. Wonder what sort of selfish tosser of a half-formed human being you'd have to be to want to shag and travel instead of raise your children. Desert the kids and scoot off to enjoy hobby and shag. How pathetic and shallow and selfish and immature and cruel and lacking in empathy and narcississtic would you have to be? Because that is who he is. If you wouldn't think much of yourself for wanting this, why think much of him?

At very least if you do accept him back, make him see quite how little he has regarded his children in his mid-life crises. We all have them by the way. You will too ifg you haven't yet. We just shrug and think - later. I'll do it when kids are grown and whatever 'it' is, I'll do it with my faithful DP who has stuck around through the tough times and deserves some fun and adventure.

Fabellini · 12/12/2017 09:06

It's not brave - what rubbish.
I quite often think, in these scenarios, that friends, particularly mutual friends, are not the people you need to speak to.
Your friends are used to you both as a couple, maybe you share dinners out, a hobby, school runs.... they don't want their applecart upset too, and a marriage break up in a group of friends often has the remaining couples looking at each other out of the corners of their eyes and wondering who's going to be next.
Much easier for all concerned if they can push you back together and pretend everything is hunky dory.
People with no vested interest won't tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear....I just hope your silence now doesn't mean you've got your (metaphorical) fingers in your ears.