DH choosing between me and the OW

[Tearsofthemushroom]

DH left me three months ago to be with someone else after 20 years of marriage. I was devastated but after two months started to feel that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Just as that happened he left the OW saying that he still loves me and missed me etc. He moved out in his own and the last few weeks has fluctuated between saying he wanted to make it work and committing to me and the next minute running for the hills.
I found out that he had seen the OW recently and he admitted that he loves us both. It has been heartbreaking, I let him back into my heart. He has said that he is going to make a final decision this weekend and I think that he is going to go back to her. I just feel so devastated and can only wait for confirmation of the inevitable.
For what it is worth he is normally a wonderful man and this has all the hallmarks of a massive midlife crisis, but to come back to me he will have to face some massive issues and I am not sure that he is brave enough to work through stuff together.

Telling him to sling his hook WOULD achieve something.

It’d achieve you gaining back control. It’d achieve you growing a back bone. It’d achieve you showing your kids that you don’t get to act like that, you don’t get to have your cake and eat it.

But no, being a complete doormat is the right thing to do instead

No wonder he’s doing what he’s doing. He knows you’ll lay down and let him walk all over you. People only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

I would bet my mortgage that for you to tell him to sling his hook (and meaning it. You HAVE to mean it, or he won't "get" it) would guarantee him "picking" you.

Brave? Doormat more like.

Totally.

The brave thing to do OP, would be to find some self respect and tell him you've made his decision for him

C'mon. You and your children deserve better than this

Your replies make me sad. You sound weak and like you've lost self respect. Hopefully he'll choose the OW and force your hand. You'll be able to look back and see you're better off without him. He doesn't sound like a good man. He sounds like a puppeteer who is loving his situation.

You have been given excellent advice by 99% of PP but at the moment you perhaps are finding it difficult to accept. He is not a good man, he is not a good father, far from it.

You want him to pick you (not that it should even be his choice) because you still love him but surely that is for the man he was, not the cheater he now is and you think it would be best for your child/ren. I can't see how your self respect will survive taking him back and quite honestly is this the man you really want your child/ren to emulate?

Yes, it's painful but please read the posts on here again, especially from those who have experienced exactly what you are currently dealing with.

I wish you strength and a happy future.

Actually telling him to sling his hook might be what it takes to make him pick you!! When he can have you as a plan B, he doesn't need to think about making it all up to you. It's still fantasy world.

Tell him it's over, you don't want him to pick you, you are not an option anymore. If deep down he does love you, the realisation what he's done will chill him to the bone and he'll suddenly start doing anything to win you back. If he doesn't do that, then he doesn't really love you so would leave at some point anyway.

Brave isn't hanging on no matter what, brave would be going "all in". He wants you enough to fight for you or not.

MKing itself vunerable to sonebidy you can’t trust is foolhardy, not brave

So we are after the weekend now - has he made his decision yet ?

Sorry to be harsh but if he really wanted to be with you - he would be there asking for a second chance. Have you heard anything from him at all

You've got a better chance of him picking you (if that's what you want) if you stand up to him and tell him to fuck off. Being 'brave' (aka doormat) will just make him treat you even more like shit than he has been so far. Making him fight for you is the only way to regain some respect.

One of my friends told me at the weekend that to put myself in a vulnerable position is actually a brave thing to do and I think that she is right.

Sorry love, but your friend is talking out of her arse.

What your friend said is the kind of thing that sounds clever, because we are not used to hear8ng velnerablility and braveness associated together (maybe there’s a reason for that?) but it really doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

It sounds to me more like you are making yourself vulnerable because you’re scared of the alternative.

However I don’t want to do your friend down, she was making you feel better, which is what friends are supposed to do.

You are not making yourself vulnerable, you are leaving yourself vulnerable.... to whatever whim or wish or shit he decides to chuck your way.

And being passive about your life isn’t brave...

^what Darkly said.

Your friend is an arse! Sounds 'profound'' and 'serious' - and is absolute bollocks. But- it looks like that is what you want to hear, so I think the rest of us are pissing against the wind here.

'Being Brave' total spitting bollocks.

Good luck.

It’s not brave OP, but the main point is that you posted that today. Which is after the weekend when he was supposed to finally “decide” between the two of you. This suggests he hasn’t decided and is still stringing you along - who could’ve seen that coming? Oh that’s right, absolutely everyone except you.

I know I sound mean, but seriously OP, pull yourself together.

Your friend is humouring you.

God I feel so sorry for you, reading this jist before Xmas. Waiting for your cheating husband to decide to be with you or not, knowing he’s looking at houses and is with someone else

It’s not brave sweetie to hang around like this waiting for him to say if he wants you or not, your friend is just trying to be nice and can’t bring herself to tell you. I’m not sure she’s doing you any favours, but I understand why she is doing it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and that it’s come to this for you.💐

Apologies for the bluntness, but I think your friend used the word brave because she was too polite to use the words 'foolhardy' and 'utterly deluded'. Anybody who embarks on a completely futile mission might be described as brave- bravery isn't always the most sensible or astute way to succeed.

Inertia

... or because she thinks being a friend is not hurting you , so she's saying what she thinks you want to hear. RL Friends don't always tell the truth, as they see it.

Brave because you're likely to get hurt. As in extreme sports.

Are you sure she's a friend OP? It isn't the advice I'd give any of mine.

OP- this might not be the kind of thing you’re into but it is what you need right now. Make this your jam!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=k2qgadSvNyU

You need some rules. Download a book called ‘Dating without Drama’. It clearly outlines that people who are confident and believe in themselves do better in relationships because they don’t give in to the crap relationships.

Yes, it is scary to start again but he threw you away, like you were nothing. He doesn’t value you. That should be enough to tell you what you need to do.

Get some rules.

OP, do you work? Can you support yourself financially without DH being on the scene?