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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:12

I can do that

You started though.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:17

Started it

You also did the "I have seen you always do x, y and z on other threads...." thing too. It's not cricket. Stick to the subject at hand. What you think of my general posting style has fuck all relevance to the op. At least when I called out whoever it is you are trying to defend, it was in support of the op whether you agree or not. You, on the other hand, were goading for it's own sake.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 19:19

@anyfucker
Not sure what I started,
I'll admit I may have made a mistake , I'm sure you've read my posts elsewhere know I'm not a nasty person ,just felt you went to far , you may not.we just have different opinions on this
None of this is helping op decide what to do , though
I'm out ! 😁

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 19:20

I’m desperately trying to find the post where @anyfucker called someone names and was far more insulting than anyone one else on a pretty standard thread.. nope, can’t find it yet, I might have to scroll back further (but I doubt I’d find it).

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:22

Tbh, if your only relevant contribution is "women do it too" that might be for the best

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 19:23

@anyfucker, calm down its just a difference of opinion not ,ww3
I actually think your a sensible,considered person , just have your own agenda on this subject , I get you don't agree with me .

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:24

Blod, I think I mihht have said someone is a "manpleaser"

Which I stand by in the context of "if women made less of a fuss about men using the sex industry all would be well". So sue me.

ColaCube22 · 08/12/2017 19:24

I don't think you are over reacting.
There is a wide range of things that couples enjoy sexually and I'm certainly not a prude, however It's about what you as a couple find acceptable within your relationship. If he knew or even thought that you would be hurt, he should have put you first. Even if that means asking you if it's okay.
Some people are fine with their husbands/partners going to strip clubs etc.
Myself, I'm not. I would be furious. I don't mind my husband watching porn but going to be stimulated by someone in a physical sense is a big no no. It's crossing a line, it's taking it from fantasy and imagination to a real person right in front of them.
I would probably want to have a conversation to clarify what you both feel is acceptable within your marriage. Try and work through this and if it happens again then you really know where you stand.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 19:25

@blodpod
Anyfucker called someone an incredulous idiot and then crossed it out , I felt there was no need to even write it

thegrinchreaper · 08/12/2017 19:30

Rover Can't you just give advice or support which is relevant to OP rather than using this thread to showcase your profound ignorance about feminism and misogyny?
'Women do it too' ffs everyone is so over that old manky chestnut!

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:34

Anyway. Back to the op. Are you still thrre, love. How are your thoughts this evening ? My very first post on this thread said you have to make your own mind up whether this is a deal breaker or you can live with it. Many women do. They seem to think they have no choice in the matter so tey find a way to twist it so it is palatable to them.

There is always a choice

ColaCube22 · 08/12/2017 19:40

Is the nastiness really helping MSEVS?
Shes poured her feelings into her post looking for genuine help. I'm sure getting into a bitter, heated, almost childish 'f£&ok men and f&@k the manpleasers' bs is really really helping!
This isn't Hollywood, we're not going to pack our bags stick our middle fingers up and give a big FU and drive off into the sunset. Not all men are a-holes, some are some aren't.

Offred · 08/12/2017 19:42

women can't except they are just as bad as men and always have been ,it's just that feminism has made it look as if it's only men which is utter crap!

You said this ^ roverman... Hmm an example of exactly what you say you dislike.

There is reems of evidence to support the things I have said on this thread re the culture of toxic masculinity (not men, toxic masculinity). I have not seen a single shred of evidence re your view...

It is a common thing for people to say, and for people to think but it isn’t supported by any evidence and is in fact rather a ridiculous thing to think given the huge amount of research into these issues.

It is not just men who find it hard to report abuse. The vast majority of women don’t report and find it hard and have been laughed at by the police, who called it ‘just a domestic’ for many years in the past. Thankfully this is changing.

None of this is about men being bad. It is about how bad toxic masculinity is for all people because it leads to things like abuse being underreported and not dealt with because ‘men don’t get abused’ or ‘abuse is just how men are’ or women doing the vast majority of the shit work because many men never develop the necessary skills and don’t feel it is their responsibility which then leads to women being overburdened and men being marginalised from their children’s lives etc etc

Sometimes all people behave badly. What is being discussed here is the particular type of behaviour, that is bad for everyone in society, that can be traced back to this toxic culture of masculinity, of which the sex industry is one big part and example.

You seem to think that these points are man hating and also a claim that all women are perfect and never behave badly. Frankly, and being kind, that is a completely ridiculous interpretation of what is being said. Either you haven’t taken the time to understand it or you simply cannot differentiate the concept that biological men and cultural ideas about masculinity are totally separate things.

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:42

The word was thicko rover. Not idiot which is a disablist term.

And the author of the post that prompted it has already admitted to aping the worst kind of misogynist attitude, so my rebuke was actually rather restrained.

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 19:45

@roverman75, I think it’s probably best for you to stick to the last two words on your second to last post..

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:47

Totally agree, offred. The short version of your post is that "feminism is good for women and men". It's not our fault they are too invested in seeing manhating everywhere their arses fall out.

ferntwist · 08/12/2017 19:47

Oh no OP, just wanted to say how sorry I am. I would feel exactly the same as you. Horrible of him to do that so soon after your new baby and then your wedding. I hope he realises how much he has betrayed your trust.

ColaCube22 · 08/12/2017 19:52

Wow, just wow. A disablist term...its roots are Latin for ignorant person, any dictionary will tell you that.
I'm out of here. I get the impression you would argue with your shadow AnyFucker

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 19:53

Excellent post, offred.

The arguments I've had with men that feminism isn't about hating men and that it benefits men too... but often they won't listen and still argue against it because they can't cope with the idea of feminism not being about hating men!

ColaCube22 · 08/12/2017 19:54

And rover

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 19:57

Why are you even jumping in, cola. Rover made it up. I didn't even use the term idiot anyway. Hmm

SquirrelPlantedBeech · 08/12/2017 20:04

I didn’t say it was outrageous, star. I said I was surprised. No need to make it a big deal.

Offred · 08/12/2017 20:09

The flip side of arguing that the sex industry is fine and feminism is man hating is that as a man you cannot justifiably then complain about feeling you can’t report abuse suffered at the hands of a woman, you can’t justifiably complain about women expecting men to pay for everything, you can’t justifiably complain about the mother getting primary care of DC on a divorce etc etc etc

Because those are all things which are part of the toxic culture of masculinity and restrictive gender roles. You can’t pick and choose which bits of equality suit you and discard the parts you don’t like.

Offred · 08/12/2017 20:15

(And yes, before rover jumps on it, it applies to women too. Equality isn’t a pick and choose thing. It is an all or nothing thing. All the equalities issues are.)

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 20:32

Glad to see everyone has decided to jump on me , confirms something other forums have said about here and how unwelcome men are made to feel if they have a different opinion to women .
And they call men sexist ? Yeah right , deep down it appears a lot of women are as well
At least I know my decision never to let a woman back into my life has been confirmed as good.
Now is there an ignore button so I can block out the ones I don't want to read anymore.
As to the op sorry your thread has been hijacked by these people ,hope you come to the right decision for you