Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has has private lap dances...

342 replies

msevs · 08/12/2017 10:36

...and lied. I found out last Sunday after a weekend away with his mates, when a text came through on his phone. I glanced at it and it was from one of the guys with the words ‘strip club’ in it. I confronted him about it and he said some of the other guys went, but he didn’t. I didn’t believe him, he then said he had gone in but that was it. I told him to stop lying, and he then said “well you have to have a dance there, don’t you”. So basically it turns out he paid for a private dance, and not just this once, but on three different occasions. First time was Christmas trip last year, two months after the birth of our second child.

To make matters worse, we were only married a month ago. Three weeks later and he’s paying a woman to strip naked for him! I feel so betrayed. I heard all the excuses, he was drunk, it was peer pressure, he didn’t enjoy it. I don’t believe him, since he’s been three times. He told me he’d never have a ‘proper’ affair, as if I’m supposed to be grateful. He didn’t see this as a problem because it was a transaction. He did apologise and said he wouldn’t do it again, but this is only because I found out, otherwise I know he would just have continued doing it.

I feel so betrayed. I also feel like such a mug, I bet him and his mates have had a good laugh at the fact that I’ve been kept in the dark. He just isn’t the man I thought I married.

I don’t know why I’m posting. I just don’t know where to go from here. I was really looking forward to this Christmas as it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but now I don’t even want to look at him Sad

OP posts:
Blodplod · 08/12/2017 18:21

Roverman it’s accept, not except. Sorry to be petty... the point here I very much doubt men are as exploited in the same way as women in the sex industry.. yes, drunk women can behave outrageously on a drunken night out with friends, yes I’m sure there are plenty of lap dancers, strippers etc who are entirely happy with their jobs.. but I bet you 5p that many (MANY) more women are horribly exploited than man.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 18:22

G1itteri, might be because some of us men are lone parents and need advice about things occasionally ,
I might just be stroll though ,who knows😁😁😁

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 18:23

And I personally couldn’t be married to a guy who supported that industry by being a ‘punter’.

deckoff · 08/12/2017 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gluteustothemaximus · 08/12/2017 18:23

OP - it’s not just about being ok with this. It’s more than that.

How much does he respect you to do this? How much does he respect you when he’s lied? And how much does he respect women in general?

These issues are far deeper than ‘just a dance’.

And as for the previous poster that said if women were cool about these things, then men wouldn’t lie. Jesus. Words fail me.

My ex went to strip clubs frequently. During pregnancy, after. Qualified by saying it was better than an affair, and loads of men do it. He was also an abusive, misogynist, nasty piece of work. No coincidence.

My DH, would never set foot in a strip club. Finds them seedy. Feels sorry for the girls stuck in the industry. Chose not to have a stag do. He is kind, respectful, loyal, honest, and a feminist. No coincidence.

Good luck with your decision OP, but don’t let others play this down if it is a deal breaker for you. We all have our boundaries individual to us.

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 18:28

@deckoff I’m glad you’ve clarified you were messing about, i was just gearing up to be suitably outraged.. Grin

Beachcomber · 08/12/2017 18:29

Deckoff I read it as sarcasm / satire too.

Although it is so close to what a lot of men think that sadly it could be real.

I thought it was very cleverly written.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 18:29

Blodpod ,sorry didn't spot the autocorrect my kindle made ! Do we actually know if or how much exploitation there is against men the sex industry, it may well be like domestic violence against men do we really know how much of that there may be , I was a victim of dv from my kids mother I never reported it because I thought I would be laughed at ,the same may apply to male exploitation in the sex industry ,I don't know ,do you ?

Beachcomber · 08/12/2017 18:31

Just seen you've reported your post would be a shame to have it deleted IMO as I think it really serves a purpose - especially because it is so believable.

deckoff · 08/12/2017 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 18:35

No I don’t know @roverman75, but I guess the starting point would be how many strip clubs/lap dancing clubs are there in the uk which cater for women? Versus how many that cater for men?

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 18:36

@beachcomber, you’ve got it spot on, I believed it because I bet there’s a lot of guys out there that think exactly how deckoff described...

Babyblues052 · 08/12/2017 18:37

@deckoff feeling a tad stupid I didn't read it for what it was but I think I'm on threads like these the opinions are very split. Anyway I will be sure to spot it next time! P.s am now sorry for telling you to fuck off!!Grin

Blodplod · 08/12/2017 18:40

@roverman75, also sorry about your DV situation, it must have been awful, and like for so many men hard to keep what is considered a shameful dirty secret.

Pinkpillows · 08/12/2017 18:41

Too many women feel they need to be the "cool" girlfriend but to be honest I wouldn't like him suggesting he wouldn't have a proper affair and it was a transaction

Escorts are seen as a transaction for him too then. I would seriously tell him how you feel and say if this keeps happening you will do x y or Z. And stick to it

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 08/12/2017 18:42

deck I got it about halfway through your post...Grin

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 08/12/2017 18:43

...maybe some of the frothers didn’t make it to halfway Grin

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 08/12/2017 18:44

I knew how your post was intended, Deck. Surprised others are misunderstanding.

I'm going to be perfectly honest, I suspected that it was a satirical post, but I have read similar on here in all serious from men who do think like that. So I don't think it's all that outrageous that some people 'fell' for it.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 18:44

@blodpod
No idea how many ,don't want to know either.
As it's not illegal,like porn, it's down to each person to decide what they consider is ok and if their partner accepts the decision .
What I absolutely loathe is people getting on their high horse , ramming their agenda down everyone else's throats because they have views they believe everyone else should have ,personally I think they are idiots with delusions of grandeur and I ignore them . There are some cases on this thread!

deckoff · 08/12/2017 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deckoff · 08/12/2017 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 18:55

@deckoff
It was a long time ago ,I'm over it now ,plus I've no idea where she is an don't care !
I never said it was acceptable or not ,just that it's legal, my own thoughts about it all aren't relevant to the op's problem

AnyFucker · 08/12/2017 18:56

I fell for it deckoff. You got me fair and square. Maybe because that kind of mind set is depressingly familiar, I dunno < shrug >

Now it would make my evening if rover fesses up to be just on the windup too. No ? Too much to ask ?

laudanum · 08/12/2017 18:57

Pretty much what AnyFucker said.

I'd personally kick him out or leave. The fact that he doesn't see it as a big deal is a maaaaaajor red flag. I'm sorry you've had to find out like that, and I'm sorry you married someone who views these things as nothing.

roverman75 · 08/12/2017 19:08

@anyfucker
I found the way you insulted someone by calling them names a nasty thing to do , I know you can be quite blunt but I felt you went to far , I thought that it was because you've had personal experience
I'm sorry if I offended/upset you . I don't know what you think I'm like but I'm not a nasty misogynist , women hater ,just felt you were out of order
I do believe people's agendas should not be forced on others though.
We may have to agree to disagree if you think otherwise of me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread