I'm done and feel like walking

[justme93]

So today I’ve discovered my husband is strutting around minus his wedding ring. It’s totally floored me, he sent a picture this morning of him wearing his birthday present (a t-shirt) zooming in I could see no wedding ring on.

Bit of back story, married 7 yrs for the past year he’s been living and working in another country miles and miles away. We have two children(5&6) yrs old who I look after solely - no family close by and both diagnosed with autism. It’s been a real challenge for me this past year but we are now a year on and actually doing ok. My marriage however has suffered greatly. At the time of taking the job abroad it was for financial reasons and too good to turn down, I supported the decision to better our future.

I’ve seen a real change in him in the past year, he’s now got quite a social life out most nights and a whole new circle of friends. I’m not suggesting he stays in and keeps his head down but he was never a sociable man so I’m surprised by his new found life. After our family holiday in April at Centre Parcs which was a wonderful enjoyable time for us all he went awol.. told a pack of lies about a business trip which turned out to be a jolly touring around Italy and I had very little contact from him. This raised serious suspicion for me, avoiding calls from your wife?? Only when I threatened to call his work to find out where he was did he panic and call me. After that lie the trust was gone for me and I’ve found it very hard to get past that point.

I’ve caught him a couple of times on Skype without his wedding ring on - I pulled him up once on it and was told he’d taken it off to do washing up.. fast forward 6 months and here we are it’s off again (three photos in four days all minus his wedding ring) so when I questioned it this morning I was told he’d taken it off for the dentists visit Monday when he had x-rays.

Utter bull right? Why not put it back on after? I don’t know about anyone else but when I take my rings off I feel odd without them!

Please be gentle with your replies, I’m very fragile right now. Faced with the thought of bringing up two little boys alone both with special needs in a house I absolutely hate and my husband the other side of the world weeks before Christmas I feel like telling him to come home immediately and walking away!!

This is all unfolding and the reality is making me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I’m shaking, I can’t get my head around it all.

Oh absolutely I'll get what I can if he dares to come back. I'm now going no contact until he walks through that door Saturday evening

He sounds like a grade 1 shit. You need to get your act together quietly without tipping him off.
Make sure you have your marriage certificate (so he can’t start any divorce proceedings).

You know what hurts most, I've asked again and again for him to tell me the truth. 'Please promise me you will be totally honest' then.. just after that call it occurred to me it was a public holiday this time last year as he was home by now. Most of his colleagues have gone home already!! Nope not my husband.. chose to spend the 4 days there (albeit ill) lied when he said he was at work Saturday-national holiday so couldn't have been office has been closed since. He's having a fucking ball and if and when he gets back here he'll have no balls at all.

And .. I haven't forgot about that precious car of his!!!

until he walks through that door Saturday evening.

He won’t. Ear infection innit.

Ps: this guy seems to be taking what he perceives to be the path of least resistance to end the marriage ie he’ll act like a fucking asshat but you’ll be the bad one should you declare the marriage over, eh?

Fucking men.

Fucking me indeed. Well I've just treated myself and the kids to Panto tickets for Thursday on his credit card and I'm now off to buy that handbag I like which is stupidly expensive for my Christmas present

I have read your thread with a feeling of dread and doom @ justme93 because it is like reading my own story

I knew what country he was in before I googled what country had its independence day today. He's in the oil and gas industry isn't he? Unlike middle east countries, there are plenty of women in the camps and working on the plants. Most are Russian. At least 70% of the men will be screwing one of the women.

I found out that my DP was living a complete double life with his Russian OW whilst he was away in that country. Living together. They even went on a little jaunt to Thailand together (one of the few countries that Russians can visit without a visa). I found out after she liked a comment I had made on FB when I had tagged him.

All the details match - even the sudden not being able to call because he was ill / there was an incident on the plant / the phone signal was down.

The problem is that it is completely normal out there. Most of the western men are doing it. Sad, but true.

Get your ducks in a row OP. I would bet my mortgage that he's up to no good.

Happy for you to PM me if you would like any further insight / information from someone who has been through this exact same thing

I'm so sorry

And I completely relate t that feeling of going absolutely mad, trying to work it all out from 6000 miles away.

Christ I bet he's on the same plant

I've been made to feel like I'm completely mental. I'm not.. I know something is wrong have done for a while. What I can't get my head around is why he would continue to live a double life! Just tell me it's all over and be done with it.

Thank you, I may well be in contact xx

If he is somewhere else with a Russian woman, it's likely to be Turkey - again, no visas needed.

I see you've called the office. Yep, I did that. Yep, the women pretended not to speak English even though I know for a fact that they have to speak English (at least a little) to get a job there. I guess these calls are no uncommon

Justme, I think because they are away in a different culture / work place / life, they are able to compartmentalise it very effectively. Fool themselves they can just walk away when the contract ends - and the little women at home will be none the wiser. Except of course they massively underestimate us.

Add to the fact that it is completely the norm and it seems like all bets are off. They leave their moral compass at home.

I worked within a company with the culture described sbove. The (female) receptionists acted as garekeepers and were fully aware of the family in Uk vs OW in-country setup. It was part of their job to 'manage' communications and keep the engineers happy at work.
More than a couple of the men were served with divorce papers as they landed back in the UK.
So sorry you are going through this OP.

Passports are not always stamped now... check his bags for luggage tags...

I think he's living with someone out there... I honesty do Lady

Wow OP!

Just read your thread.

You sound like you have a good plan and that you and your boys will actually be ok.

Wishing you strength and calmness.

@justme93 When and if he arrives home, don't say ANYTHING, just watch his body language.... Don't tell him your concerns or what you think you know. Just hold everything in. When he falls sleep, unlock his phone and have a look. From now on OP, I'm going to call you 007 😉

Hmmm transfer the car into your name???

TURKEY! That's most definitely it... his uk phone which is never on has been on. I've sent him a turkey flag pic. I'm done, he can do no more to hurt me

Make sure you have your marriage certificate (so he can’t start any divorce proceedings).

Just to add this isnt the case. My aunties ex took all the paperwork when he left, and refused all contact requests. All she had to do was go on the government gateway site, and request a copy certificate using their names, marriage date and parish they were married in. £10 and arrived in 2 weeks, she went ahead and initiated divorce using the certified copy. Just so you dont think that having the original will stop him filing first. You can request any copy certificate from there.

Your are doing brilliant OP, you sound like you are getting everything together and he wont know whats hit him when/if he finally shows his face. What a total shit.I agree it sounds like he has another life out there with someone. My heart goes out to you

My exDP had bought a flat in Turkey that I knew nothing about.

Honestly if it hadn't happened to me I wouldn't have believed it

OP I'm so sorry. It is a total head fuck.

You will be OK in the end though

Wow OP, this is like something out of a movie. And you are the badass star!

I'm so sorry all this is happening but I think you sound brilliant.

Cuddle your boys, and take him to the cleaners. And keep us up to date!

Sounds like you have a plan. We're all rooting for you.

Oh he’s in the oil industry is he?

Ah yes, I know it well.

Get. Your. Ducks. In. A. Row. Now.

This guy thinks he can treat you like a bam.

This is totally awful isn't it I'm going to make sure everyone who know him knows what a complete cunt he it

Yes I've had a gin or two

Hi there
My heart goes out to you, you’re dealing with so much. Remember through all of this you are being a wonderful mother to your boys and nothing your husband can do will ever change that

Stay strong, keep everything close to your chest and catch him off guard.

Hugs xx

I would just forget trying to catch him out. You are done with it. You don't need proof you already know. It won't help your mental health trying to catch him. Easier said than done I know but you're more important than him

Work on your plan of attack. Channel your anger. Start a spreadsheet of all the assets and start totting up what you are going to fight for. Start planning your new future.

Is it a Russian company or a UK one that he works for?

Cliche but revenge is a dish best served cold. Go grey rock on him.