I'm done and feel like walking

[justme93]

So today I’ve discovered my husband is strutting around minus his wedding ring. It’s totally floored me, he sent a picture this morning of him wearing his birthday present (a t-shirt) zooming in I could see no wedding ring on.

Bit of back story, married 7 yrs for the past year he’s been living and working in another country miles and miles away. We have two children(5&6) yrs old who I look after solely - no family close by and both diagnosed with autism. It’s been a real challenge for me this past year but we are now a year on and actually doing ok. My marriage however has suffered greatly. At the time of taking the job abroad it was for financial reasons and too good to turn down, I supported the decision to better our future.

I’ve seen a real change in him in the past year, he’s now got quite a social life out most nights and a whole new circle of friends. I’m not suggesting he stays in and keeps his head down but he was never a sociable man so I’m surprised by his new found life. After our family holiday in April at Centre Parcs which was a wonderful enjoyable time for us all he went awol.. told a pack of lies about a business trip which turned out to be a jolly touring around Italy and I had very little contact from him. This raised serious suspicion for me, avoiding calls from your wife?? Only when I threatened to call his work to find out where he was did he panic and call me. After that lie the trust was gone for me and I’ve found it very hard to get past that point.

I’ve caught him a couple of times on Skype without his wedding ring on - I pulled him up once on it and was told he’d taken it off to do washing up.. fast forward 6 months and here we are it’s off again (three photos in four days all minus his wedding ring) so when I questioned it this morning I was told he’d taken it off for the dentists visit Monday when he had x-rays.

Utter bull right? Why not put it back on after? I don’t know about anyone else but when I take my rings off I feel odd without them!

Please be gentle with your replies, I’m very fragile right now. Faced with the thought of bringing up two little boys alone both with special needs in a house I absolutely hate and my husband the other side of the world weeks before Christmas I feel like telling him to come home immediately and walking away!!

This is all unfolding and the reality is making me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I’m shaking, I can’t get my head around it all.

Justme you sound bloody amazing and I know you don't feel like it but you are very strong. You are effectively being a single parent anyway. Agree with others of course you want some proof. That is totally normal

It is going to be shit and tough but you will get through it

Definitely get legal advice

Just me, I am going through some stuffs too atm like dh going around like he's a single man. Contrary to you, I have lost my fire and self-believe completely. Other issues that I have is the way he treats us and even financially he does not give me and ds anything at all. He's out all night almost everyday now and he has no time for his son as he says "he's got important things to do!?!!"...I am not in a good position moneywise..left my job to support ds who is also autistic...So when I felt something was wrong way before, I also wanted to keep the family together. I would talk about the problem hoping he'll be reasonable. He would say the right words and lie and lie. Now things have gotten really bad. He takes avantage of the fact that I have noone . I should have done something when he started lying and hiding phones, accounts from me.
Enough of me...what I think you should do is not hold back. If you want to know what's going, start by not trusting his words and get the facts. Catch the plane and go there and see with your eyes whats happening. Trust me you can do it even with both your sons..do their social story, get them ready. You will be able to fly with them both..am sure with your sons, you know already how to work like a detective.. keep a cool head, practice some breathing exercises and the mission is to know what is he up to?

I'm feeling a bit better today, next Saturday can't come soon enough for me. I want answers and I won't settle for anything I feel is just another lie. He's now unwell having had a bloody ball for his birthday last week - tough luck pal that's karma for you. I'm sticking with my plan, access to the bank accounts, hacking the international phone. Sadly I don't think what I find is going to make me have a good Christmas and I'm mentally preparing myself for that. I'm having house problems again which are all issues I've raised with him before that need fixing and I'm now faced with emergency repairs due to high winds (living by the sea is great in the summer but pretty crap in winter)!!

I'm keen to get out of this house and I'm prepared to sit tight until I get all that done and dusted. I'm in a huge house which is costing a small fortune in heating and rates and we hardly use any of the rooms. It needs lots of work - something hubby has never got round to agreeing to sort which infuriates me greatly.

@Pho2Mum you must pull up your big girl pants and face the issues head on. Sorry to hear you are also experiencing similar issues.. there seems to be a lot of this going on! I was completely oblivious but it seems it very common indeed.

Hugs to you xx

justme - keep your powder dry until you've seen a solicitor. You don't want him panicking and hiding financial stuff away. Play it cool, until you know the score from your end...

You're a GREAT mum!!

@justme93, thank you for your support. I have been to 3 different solicitors but I keep hitting brick walls. My mistake was to try to keep the family together and give him chances to explain and tell me the truth when he was already living a separate life. I had some good advice here on mumsnet and I know now how to take my case to court. You still want him to be your husband but in his mind, is he still your husband? Why is he lying to you? Since he works abroad, opportunities will always be there. Have you considered asking him to find work here? Best of luck for Saturday. Hope things will work when he realises how badly all of this is affecting you.

Just to clarify.. are you serious about cutting off his cock and burning his car??!

In all seriousness you sound bloody awesome and he sounds like a right cheeky fucking wanker. I sense, someone, that you are gonna come out of this just fine and he'll be left rueing what he threw away.

@Desmondo2016 I refuse to say either way as I'm not wanting to get myself into trouble.

'DH' don't you just love that term .. has walked straight into a honey trap this morning via what's app. He's poorly apparently and when he's finished on-site he's going straight home to bed (via the chemist for drugs).. so now I feel sorry for him right? (No suffer old man). Then I ask.. will you be calling when you leave work? (He calls roughly the same time everyday) .. no I may not is the response my throat may be too sore to talk. Erm I don't feel sorry for you and I don't believe your throats too sore for you to talk - being the pathetic lying git you are I think you have other plans and this is your way of lying your sorry arse out of telling me.. let's hope when I get that phone next week I can also prove that! I might even start a little list of lies

I suggest you take legal advice in place before he gets wind of it. It can be incredibly difficult to know if he is being honest about finances even if he fills in a form e - some are just so in the habit of lying that they believe their own nonsense! You may need a forensic accountant. Don't give up,you can get through this

Maybe he’s setting the scene for being ‘too ill’ to come home at Christmas.......?

So he’s well enough to go to work but can’t possibly cope just saying a quick hello to his family? 🤔 you’re doing so well Op, stay strong and angry (obviously not permanently angry, that would make you unwell, but when you need it!).

I think even if you find firm evidence of an affair you might still want to keep your powder dry and gather financial evidence. Some of this may be where he is living.

You could also say nothing and seek his agreement to home repairs or even put the house on the market.

That sounds suspicious with the “sore throat”: he is going out again.

Weirdly I don’t think he’s cheating.

But he’s 100% checked out of the marriage and fatherhood, I’m sorry.

He has to come home as his car is parked at the airport in long stay.. good job it is there and not on the driveway. Today's lies are so he can go out and not face telling me so.. I'm not bothered if he goes out or not it's the lies he tells in order to do so which makes me so suspicious of his actions. If he can lie about that what else is he hiding. Sorry state of affairs really.

I'm aware he has international bank accounts and is paid in USD into them. I will be getting photos of the bank cards which will give me account numbers and sort codes as well as all the others for the UK!

@Dozer I'm with you on that one.. even with evidence I may well hold back and plan my next move rather than losing my sh*t.

Agree with Legend, he may or may not be cheating, but if not cheating his actions are still worthy of divorce. Ringing only at set times etc is totally “checked out” and disrespectful. Bad parenting too.

Agree totally checked out, I tried to speak with him today but guess what he was unable to because of such a sore throat and then blocked me calling - Chelsea were playing and he's no doubt in the pub. I'm done with this shit big time

I was going to hold off until he's return but can no longer do so considering his actions. Hurtful doesn't even come close I'm beyond mad.. blocked Skype (deleted account) he calls the children once a week on sundays.. removed what's app to stop myself going crazy - he hasn't been seen online since 11.32 am so phone off. Diverted my calls to a dead number.. and all iMessages switched off so text messages only - which will remain unread. God help him if he's stupid enough to get on that plane home next Saturday

Roll on Monday when I see the solicitor.. I'm taking that shot to the cleaners

Good luck OP, you sound like you have a plan !

Good, getting a plan in order

You might hit a wall but you are doing this for your family.

well done Lady... good luck Monday ... I hope you stay strong and focused

Did you block him communicating with your or did he block you?

Op
I have a friend who put up with similar for 20 years.
I wont go into too much detail but she had to put in a huge amount of detective work to prove the double life, the properties, the off shore accounts etc etc.
He was devious and deceitful and very clever. He hid just about all his assets. She ended up with the family home and maintenance for her daughter and not much else.
He OTOH was a multimillionaire.
After 2 episodes of cancer and major surgery she was unable to work. He didnt care.
I would strongly advise you to get all the information and evidence you can before making noises about separating.