I'm done and feel like walking

[justme93]

So today I’ve discovered my husband is strutting around minus his wedding ring. It’s totally floored me, he sent a picture this morning of him wearing his birthday present (a t-shirt) zooming in I could see no wedding ring on.

Bit of back story, married 7 yrs for the past year he’s been living and working in another country miles and miles away. We have two children(5&6) yrs old who I look after solely - no family close by and both diagnosed with autism. It’s been a real challenge for me this past year but we are now a year on and actually doing ok. My marriage however has suffered greatly. At the time of taking the job abroad it was for financial reasons and too good to turn down, I supported the decision to better our future.

I’ve seen a real change in him in the past year, he’s now got quite a social life out most nights and a whole new circle of friends. I’m not suggesting he stays in and keeps his head down but he was never a sociable man so I’m surprised by his new found life. After our family holiday in April at Centre Parcs which was a wonderful enjoyable time for us all he went awol.. told a pack of lies about a business trip which turned out to be a jolly touring around Italy and I had very little contact from him. This raised serious suspicion for me, avoiding calls from your wife?? Only when I threatened to call his work to find out where he was did he panic and call me. After that lie the trust was gone for me and I’ve found it very hard to get past that point.

I’ve caught him a couple of times on Skype without his wedding ring on - I pulled him up once on it and was told he’d taken it off to do washing up.. fast forward 6 months and here we are it’s off again (three photos in four days all minus his wedding ring) so when I questioned it this morning I was told he’d taken it off for the dentists visit Monday when he had x-rays.

Utter bull right? Why not put it back on after? I don’t know about anyone else but when I take my rings off I feel odd without them!

Please be gentle with your replies, I’m very fragile right now. Faced with the thought of bringing up two little boys alone both with special needs in a house I absolutely hate and my husband the other side of the world weeks before Christmas I feel like telling him to come home immediately and walking away!!

This is all unfolding and the reality is making me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I’m shaking, I can’t get my head around it all.

Parents both deceased and siblings far far away and I don't have much contact at all - I see my sister maybe twice a year. So it's really just me. I have up everything to be the stay at home mother, had a second child before I realized the first had autism only then to find out my husbands son from his previous marriage was also diagnosed (never thought to tell me)!

I should stress the boys are doing well, yes it's been hard but I've put my all into making sure they have the right support in order to attend mainstream school and both are thriving.

Sounds like he has another woman out there...sorry to say.
Do your investigation regarding financials and try and see his phone when he returns.

Do you have access to money? A joint account?

There's no doubt he's portraying himself as single.

No joint account, never have. I'm going to ask to see his accounts - I doubt I'll get much from that if at all. He's most definitely had some sort of goings on.. It seems to have died down, maybe she fleeced him and moved on I don't know. Either way, I want full clarity to his phones/laptop/iPad and if I don't get that the car gets it. I'm done being the nice wife doing everything at home then made to feel mad. I have my own money, shares saved to keep me afloat and the kids will be fine.

Can you get legal advice before he gets back so you know exactly what to ask him ..

Parading around minus his wedding ring is utterly disrespectful to me and his children. I've told him that, he's trying to pretend it's all ok.. he only took off when he went to the dentist (my arse pal).. I'm going to remain calm and have Christmas Day then I'll start. I also have a feeling he's hoping to cut his visit short and leave for NYE back there (not actually said as much but hinted flights are flexible) trust me his bum won't touch that plane

This year alone he missed both my sons birthdays, our anniversary, Mother's Day, son2 first day of school, both sports days, both Christmas plays. What sort of father does that!!!

You are doing well op, it sounds like you are staying focused which is the main thing and you are right, no good father would miss them events!

This is awful ☹️ My supposedly loyal family man brother in law did this to my sister. He worked away too and made a nice little life for himself and ultimately his OW while my sister gave up her career and toiled at home with two kids for years. She repeatedly asked if he was having an affair and he repeatedly denied it - when he left her he still denied it until she unravelled his lies. There may or may not be an OW but the fact is he is leading a completely separate life and treating you and your family like shit. You're strong enough to call his bluff and make a better life! Men like this really make me sick 😡 You're a great woman and mother. Don't let him treat you like this x

He's basically a glorified bank account.

God help him if this does all come out I'll make his life living hell and make sure everyone knows the high flying kind hearted man is a lying cheating barstard. If I'm honest it's just a case of catching him out, this May or may not happen. I've made my mind up he's living a double life it's just to what extent. Maybe he's running away from the truth.. being the father of three boys all with autism doesn't take much to see where the genetics have come from! These boys hold him in such high regard, I'm just mum not the corporate high earner I once was. Makes my blood boil. Anyway I'm not one to hold back so he's in for a bumpy Christmas ride, I'll be nice bide my time and get my facts straight. I'm seeing a solicitor Monday before he returns.

@expatinscotland clarify

He's not there. He's not living a life with you and his family. He's just fronting money and not otherwise engaging. You have no marriage now. And the thing is, you can try to make his life hell and such, but as he's working abroad, he can easily move abroad and make your life hell by squirming out of paying FA for his kids. See a solicitor, but be very careful, depending on where he is, he can effectively disappear and leave you holding the bag.

Fortunately @expatinscotland I earn my stripes and saved my shares many years ago so we won't be desperate for his cash. In fact I don't want his money, what I wanted was a supportive husband who cared about his wife and children.

He should still be accountable for financially supporting his family. I'd definitely speak to the solicitor about that, he shouldn't just get off scot-free. But he's checked out of this relationship . Sadly, working abroad and away from family often does this.

It's heart wrenching we were such a close family, I never would have thought he could do this to me. After the trip to Italy in April I never trusted him. Looking back now things started to go wrong just before that trip (hence I think he took someone else away for a holiday..) days after we came back from a family holiday together. Something doesn't add up for me and the wedding ring last week really did floor me. I just cannot get past that point, I see no excuse for taking it off and leaving it off! I feel lost without my rings, anyone would.. (unless you don't wear them often).

While his behavior is definitely suspicious, I would say, you also need to accept the change with regard to the fact that he is having a social life. Its important to have a social life for someone. One cannot just stick with a partner and stay home. By all means you can ask him to wear wedding ring all the time.

' I would say, you also need to accept the change with regard to the fact that he is having a social life. Its important to have a social life for someone. One cannot just stick with a partner and stay home. '

That's funny, because she gave up her social life to enable him to work abroad, given they have two children with SN. Why is his more important than hers? And it sounds like he has quite the social life, as a single man.

I'm sorry, OP. He's done you wrong, but please, please, when you see the solicitor, make sure you talk about what he needs to pay for his kids and how to force him to do so if possible. They deserve at least that much.

Oh goodness me, I'd never stop him from having a social life. In fact tomorrow is my annual lavish lunch in London with my work colleagues (I only see them once a year)! I've declined and won't be attending to lunch in London because I've never left my boys with anyone apart from my husband and don't want to unsettle them! I've not had a single day off since last October!!! Not one night out not one day to-myself.

You need good legal advice and a (quiet) plan to LTB and get a decent financial settlement: high risk that he will avoid paying maintenance.

Exactly, Dozer.

I took ownership of his UK business when he left, I'm no fool.. I'll take what I need for the kids. Then chop his cock off

Agree with PPs, you are already a single parent and you are doing a WONDERFUL job. Nothing will change after you divorce him except you will be able to relax and stop caring about him. You are strong enough for this, no doubt

But definitely also hear out the solicitor, there might be other assets you can take for your kids. Honestly, I'm glad you're angry, it puts you in teh driving seat to taking back some control. Too right, Labrador.

Do you know what you need to do? Get on a plane and go over there and say you thought it'd be a nice early Xmas present! He's leading a double life, the question is, was she part of the plan when he went or has he met her whilst he's been there.