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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm done and feel like walking

194 replies

justme93 · 07/12/2017 16:48

So today I’ve discovered my husband is strutting around minus his wedding ring. It’s totally floored me, he sent a picture this morning of him wearing his birthday present (a t-shirt) zooming in I could see no wedding ring on.

Bit of back story, married 7 yrs for the past year he’s been living and working in another country miles and miles away. We have two children(5&6) yrs old who I look after solely - no family close by and both diagnosed with autism. It’s been a real challenge for me this past year but we are now a year on and actually doing ok. My marriage however has suffered greatly. At the time of taking the job abroad it was for financial reasons and too good to turn down, I supported the decision to better our future.

I’ve seen a real change in him in the past year, he’s now got quite a social life out most nights and a whole new circle of friends. I’m not suggesting he stays in and keeps his head down but he was never a sociable man so I’m surprised by his new found life. After our family holiday in April at Centre Parcs which was a wonderful enjoyable time for us all he went awol.. told a pack of lies about a business trip which turned out to be a jolly touring around Italy and I had very little contact from him. This raised serious suspicion for me, avoiding calls from your wife?? Only when I threatened to call his work to find out where he was did he panic and call me. After that lie the trust was gone for me and I’ve found it very hard to get past that point.

I’ve caught him a couple of times on Skype without his wedding ring on - I pulled him up once on it and was told he’d taken it off to do washing up.. fast forward 6 months and here we are it’s off again (three photos in four days all minus his wedding ring) so when I questioned it this morning I was told he’d taken it off for the dentists visit Monday when he had x-rays.

Utter bull right? Why not put it back on after? I don’t know about anyone else but when I take my rings off I feel odd without them!

Please be gentle with your replies, I’m very fragile right now. Faced with the thought of bringing up two little boys alone both with special needs in a house I absolutely hate and my husband the other side of the world weeks before Christmas I feel like telling him to come home immediately and walking away!!

This is all unfolding and the reality is making me feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. I’m shaking, I can’t get my head around it all.

OP posts:

Report

flutterby12 · 13/12/2017 19:51

Oh gosh OP - it doesn't sound good. Do you have access to his accounts?

bastardkitty · 13/12/2017 20:00

You sound amazing OP. I know this is hurting you like hell but you will get past him and have a great life. I really think, however this plays out, you should start to do somethings for yourself, get a babysitter and go out once in a while, think of yourself. I don't mean forget about your DCs. But you deserve much more than this.

RandomMess · 13/12/2017 20:12

I'd be tempted to tell him that you're going back to work and he needs to find a nanny for the boys otherwise you will never have a social life or receive maintenance for the boys or spousal maintenance which you are entitled to!!

Ducks in a row and sell the car once he goes back abroad don't be silly and go "I don't want his money" your boys deserve it, they deserve a Mum who gets respite.

justme93 · 13/12/2017 20:15

He's offered to pay for a nanny many times. Personally I don't want that for them. He's ever been a stingy man so I doubt he'll try and get out of that but I'll most definitely seek legal advice about next steps.

OP posts:

tobitcoinornottobitcoin · 13/12/2017 20:58

Solicitor!

Just because you have enough income to support your children now - doesn't mean you necessarily will in the future. Don't let him get away with not supporting his children.

RandomMess · 13/12/2017 21:32

Actually I was thinking more like s housekeeper role, someone to do your wife work and occasional babysitting!

expatinscotland · 13/12/2017 21:59

I agree with Random. You deserve a break and social life, too.

justme93 · 14/12/2017 05:27

Agree about the social life, it's been very isolating for me this past year. I'm just not comfortable with bringing someone else into the house. We used to have a cleaner but she broke two Hoover's and a steam cleaner so I gave up with that, I could do a better job myself. I'm trying to get a little bit of me back - that's kind of my focus for the new year.

Thank you for all your advice, I'm going to sit down today and have a think about the financial side of things. I can have a shot at working out what's likely to have been spent and what should be in savings. I imagine I'll need some of that info for my meeting Monday at the solicitors.

OP posts:

laudanum · 14/12/2017 05:41

It would be an awful shame if his passport and other necessary things were in his car when it accidentally went up in flames. 🔥

justme93 · 14/12/2017 06:01

Actually there always seems to be a mad rush to pack and leave.. the international phone (mostly hidden) I'm hoping to swipe and hide in amongst the mad rush.. yes he'l panic he doesn't have it but the plane won't wait will it. I can then get it unblocked and see what's on it.

OP posts:

justme93 · 14/12/2017 06:17

Just found a iPhone hack online to get into his phone .. brilliant.

OP posts:

Cambionome · 14/12/2017 06:45

Well done - keep going!

Hotpinkangel19 · 14/12/2017 06:58

Sorry OP, your boys are lucky they have you x

justme93 · 14/12/2017 08:20

Here it is.. I've tried it on two phones already and it works!

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/news/amp41783/how-to-hack-iphone-without-passcode/

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2017 09:15

Just going back to the original issue of the wedding ring..
I was a dental nurse for years and we never made patients take off rings.
So that is total bollox.
I really hope you get the truth.
You sound strong and focussed.
Good luck

expatinscotland · 14/12/2017 09:19

Definitely get your head round the financials before seeing the solicitor. And please, please, look at getting some help in, you need to have a break from it all, too.

Gemini69 · 14/12/2017 09:22

it would only work if you use SIRI... on your iphone.. which I personally do not...

justme93 · 14/12/2017 09:45

Oh absolutely the wedding ring thing is a load of bull. Totally disrespectful to prance around minus his wedding ring what an absolute cock. It's ok I'll get my answers when he's back. I just have to contain myself until the 23rd which will be hard.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/12/2017 14:05

You are wasting time and energy on looking for proof. You know he's a cock. That's all you need. A court won't make you stay with him if you don't have definitive proof of adultery.

Put all that time and energy into getting your exit plan sorted.

justme93 · 14/12/2017 14:27

Indeed proof for my own piece of mind, I've sent myself half crazy these last couple of months

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2017 16:32

Unfortunately Rabbit it's just better to have that proof.
None of us want to throw away a long relationship with a person with love on a hunch.
We want that proof.
So they can't deny it and wiggle out of it.
We don't NEED it but we do WANT it.
There's a certain satisfaction as well when you get the 'proof', that you were not going crazy and that you were absolutely right!

LJ25 · 14/12/2017 16:53

OP you have the best sense of humour. What an utter cockwomble this man is. He won't have a cock soon when you chop it off your doing so well. Get your ducks in a row and LTB!

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justme93 · 14/12/2017 17:56

Thanks @hellsbellsmelons I've been made to feel like a deluded wife who's lost the plot. I've given my all to this marriage and I love my husband and children very much. I need evidence to make me feel like I've not gone completely mad

OP posts:

Lefty1 · 14/12/2017 23:29

Hope you're ok OP. You seem like a strong and determined woman so I'm sure you will be fine with whatever the outcome. Sending hugs

justme93 · 15/12/2017 05:52

I'm gong through terrible emotions actually. The thought that my Christmas could be heartbreaking and traumatic is very worrying. I'm trying really hard to hold it together for the boys. I won't allow any of this to impact on their magical time. I've been brave and told a friend in RL as if the shit does hit the fan I'm going to need someone to take the boys (possibly) and I know they will only go to her.. I also spent some time working out the financials - I can see now why he might not want me to find out as I'd get an awful lot of money. It's not the money I want, it's my husband. 😔

OP posts:

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