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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
NeverEnoughSleep1 · 06/12/2017 16:49

Hope you get some answers soon OP

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:51

I really hope Iv overreacted, but I don't think I have. I don't think he will be back. I can feel it. Stupid I know but I just know.

OP posts:
twotired · 06/12/2017 16:52

Hope he gets in contact soon

LoverOfCake · 06/12/2017 16:52

So have you googled him?

Given he left without taking his passport etc they could be fake anyway?

Butterymuffin · 06/12/2017 16:54

Where does he normally work? If you'd heard nothing in a few more hours I would text and say you need your keys back and if you get no reply you will be contacting the police to report that he's gone missing and taken your keys.

nibora · 06/12/2017 16:54

That's some imagination you have there Lover

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:54

Googled him?

I'm not sure what that would do? Iv met all his brothers, his mum and dad, been to his childhood home, met his best friend? I know he is who he says he is? I don't know what google would show up? Minor criminal record from his youth? (I think there was a bar fight type do) he told me that himself tho? X

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/12/2017 16:57

Still no word then?

This has taken me back to the night that my fiancé went out for drinks at work - and went off radar for a few hours. I was working on call overnight, but was still able to go home, and when I got back at half past midnight, he wasn't there (and should have been). He finally got home at 2am, after I'd gone back to work so I didn't see him til the next morning. Monday, he left me for the person he'd been seeing on Friday night.
But I'd spend those hours when he was uncontactable worrying that he had been in an accident, didn't even cross my mind that he'd met someone else and was discussing with them whether or not to leave his relationship (apparently).

When you have close contact with someone and they usually answer, yes, even five hours of non contact is enough to set alarm bells ringing. Especially since he knew that the OP had come home early because she wasn't well, and that he had the keys! You'd at the very least expect some kind of call to check she was ok!

Carrot - I'm not using my e.g. to worry you any further, just to explain that it's not that unusual for people to worry something has happened when someone who normally responds, suddenly doesn't.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:58

He works near our home, but he's got the rest of the week off anyway. I don't think his job would bring him back here regardless. When he did this with ex last time he walked out of a job he had had 9 years just so he didn't have to stay in the same city. Went back to his hometown. Can't imagine a job he's had a few months would matter to him.

OP posts:
Mamabear4180 · 06/12/2017 16:59

If he wanted closure that much then why would he just walk away from his ex without a word and then not speak to her for a year and have a new relationship with you? It doesn't make sense that he wants closure actually, more like the opposite tbh.

I think he's keeping his options open depending on what she says and how much she begs for forgiveness. If she's suitably sorry he will go back to her and if she isn't he'll stick with you for a bit. Either way I don't think you're 'the one' for him.

As an aside, I think 6 months is too soon to live with someone when you have a child. I say this as a child who had 4 different stepdads. I just think it's better to be more sure of someone or it can be disruptive. 6 months felt like forever when I was younger but now i'm late 30's, 6 months is still the dating stage to me! Not trying to be judgey, trying to help for the future.

bluesu · 06/12/2017 17:00

Gosh OP you must be going out of your mind

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 17:02

The closure/non closure deal is a moot point now I think. Maybe he did just want her back and I was a rebound. Maybe that's something I can accept.

Maybe il learn not to trust so easily and not to jump into something so quickly.

All these things will be much easier to focus on if I knew what the hell was going on and whether he's actually dumped me or not.

Patience has never been my strong suit.

OP posts:
HildasStockings · 06/12/2017 17:05

It must be really shit OP.

Can you take your son and go out for dinner? Go for a pizza or something?

Anything to distract you (and him) might not be a bad thing.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 17:06

The stupid thing is, I knew the moment I pressed our buzzer and there was no reply, rang him went to voicemail. At that exact moment, I knew.

This day has gone on forever, and I KNOW what's happened.

And yes I can be accused of over reacting, possibly I'd say the same, but when you know you know.

The only thing I DONT know now is if he's staying away because he doesn't want the conflict of having to tell me and will show up eventually, or whether they've simply made up and that's that.

I think either way, by tomorrow il have to accept he's gone. :(

OP posts:
AnachronisticCorpse · 06/12/2017 17:07

What a horrible situation.

Any chance you’ve got the find my phone thing set up?

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 17:07

Hilda, my sons at his friends until 7, my mum is coming over to sit with me for an hour. After that, god knows. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 17:08

He has android, no phone finder, besides which he clearly doesn't want to be found so I won't lower myself to that.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/12/2017 17:11

What a cowardly shit-bag of a man.

I know it's horrible and upsetting, and sorry if that sounds like a cliche but better now than another 6 months down the line .

Just to ask, how did his ex get back in touch with him? If he'd done a runner I'm assuming he blocked her?

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 17:12

She messaged his twin, who told her to go away, said she was depressed, had been stalking my Facebook, wanted to talk to him. He told her to do one. But then told my 'DP'. He emailed her. Told her to leave his family alone, floodgates opened.

OP posts:
easterlemma · 06/12/2017 17:13

OP you have choices too! You don’t have to be waiting at home for him to finally contact you and let you know what’s happening in your own life. You can dump him or make your own plans for the future. At the very least, do something you choose this evening, rather than waiting on him. And have something you love for dinner!

Whatsinanameanyway201 · 06/12/2017 17:15

I am so sorry, its not looking great is it, but I'm sure you know that. There must be a seriously decent explanation of all this for him to wriggle out of this.
You deserve so much better.
There is absolutely no excuse for leaving you hanging like this.
Enjoy a cuppa with your mum, keep distracted and your head held high. What an absolute horrible horrible man for putting you through this x

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 17:16

I do have choices. I think this wondering all day has taken over.

In a couple of days, I will know for certain, either by his own words, or with his silence.

Then I can bolster myself and think about moving on.

Until then, I really do love him. I do. And this is hurting me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

OP posts:
boddtm · 06/12/2017 17:17

I'm so sorry to read this. No advice, but thinking of you. It must be so frustrating not to know.

bastardkitty · 06/12/2017 17:17

I would guess he wants the ink dry on his reunion with the ex before he tells you - so he's keeping his options open by ignoring you for now. I think his actions re the key and ignoring you are unacceptable and enough reason for you to end it. Not being bitchy - you really don't know someone after 6 months.

lucylouuu · 06/12/2017 17:18

I feel awful for you it must be horrible sitting around not being able to do anything. I’d try and ring him again if you haven’t already to see if he’s phones back on. If it’s on then he’s ignoring you and somethings up but if it’s still off his phone could be dead and he could be stuck somewhere, he might’ve gone out and somethings happened and has no battery to contact you.