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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:31

That's assuming he comes home / doesn't come home to pack his stuff / doesn't come home to dump me first. Obviously.

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 06/12/2017 16:31

Are you sure he's ok? Have you got numbers for any friends or family he could possibly be with?

OtterInDisgrace · 06/12/2017 16:32

You can see if a text has been delivered - although not read - by putting *0# at the front of it. That would at least tell you if his phone is on or off.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, op. It sounds horrible Flowers

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 06/12/2017 16:32

He didn't need to see her to get her out of his life, though.

Sorry, I don't want to add to your woes, but I would be questioning his need to physically see her to sort this out.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:33

Grim, Iv spoken to his sister in law, he has a twin that he tells EVERYTHING to. Just happens today that twin is in hospital for a (minor) operation and hasn't been contactable all day. She says when she speaks to him she will ask and let me know asap. X

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 06/12/2017 16:34

I understand. I'm pissed off on your behalf. Even if he's planning to be back this evening, he must realise that his utter thoughtlessness this afternoon will have impacted on your son as well.
I'd say, if he isn't back by 6, is there a friend of his you can contact?
Are you on your own? I really think seeking out some company would help you. Even if it's just a chat on the phone.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:36

I know he didn't need to see her. I wouldn't have.

However, I do understand the general need for closure. She was emailing saying she needed to speak to him in person as she didn't want a paper trail her boyfriend might see Hmm. And I do think 8 years with someone to walk out and never speak again, after hearing she had cheated? Is probably something I could understand a need to close the chapter on. He even said, it's like a book he needs to close. There's no doubt in my mind that's where he has been.

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 06/12/2017 16:36

X post sorry

JackieMac77 · 06/12/2017 16:37

If it turns out he's gone, please make sure he doesn't have access to your home or any finances. Change sign-in details for online banking etc, change locks in the morning, and make sure he can't get in to retrieve stuff while you're asleep tonight (put chain on door, or put something behind the locked door). I imagine he'll struggle without his passport and coat, at least! Good luck, and hope there's a nicer explanation to his going off-grid.

InfiniteSheldon · 06/12/2017 16:37

Pack his bags and like them up outside the front door tell him by text. Ignoring you for five hours says it all

CardinalCat · 06/12/2017 16:37

That is really quite bad, that he hasn't been in touch. What are you going to tell your son? Is he home from school yet?
are you close to your DP's parents? If you at all fear for his safety (and tbh I would- leaving the house in December without a jacket is frankly MAD BEHAVIOUR) then shouldn't you be contacting them?

Bearbehind · 06/12/2017 16:38

I understand you are upset but calling his SIL was a really bad move.

If there is a rational explanation for this you've just made it known to his family you don't trust him at all.

Whilst the signs aren't good, the reality is has been missing for 1 afternoon.

NCforthis12345 · 06/12/2017 16:40

Bless you OP - another hand hold for you!

And btw I don't think it's stupid you moved in together at 6 months. I did with my DP and that was over 6 years ago now. Maybe it isn't the most sensible thing to some but it just happens like that sometimes!

NCforthis12345 · 06/12/2017 16:41

Or that she just showed his family that she is worried about him rather than it being a lack of trust.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:41

Contacting her was more of a - has anyone heard from him? Type deal. His brother knows he has been down all weekend, and that his ex has reappeared, like I said, he tells him everything, so if anyone knows whether he's safe or not it'll be him

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 06/12/2017 16:41

Ignoring you for five hours says it all

Really Hmm

Since when has no contact for 5 hours been enough to end a relationship?

However did we manage before mobile phones...........

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 06/12/2017 16:42

If he got straight into a car he wouldn't need a coat, necessarily.

OP, I really hope that he reappears soon, but please just make sure you are protecting yourself (and your son). The idea of closure is fishy to me - I think it can actually mean the opposite, a chance to see someone again when in fact it's better to just move on.
If he has been to see her I truly hope this is the end, not the start of something. Either way I think he's acted in a dishonest way. I hope it all works out Thanks

AdalindSchade · 06/12/2017 16:42

And btw I don't think it's stupid you moved in together at 6 months. I did with my DP and that was over 6 years ago now. Maybe it isn't the most sensible thing to some but it just happens like that sometimes!

Do you have children? You can't afford not to be sensible when you have children to consider. OP has moved her son in with someone she can't trust and is going to struggle financially if he leaves. It was very reckless and irresponsible.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:44

And I think, by say, 7pm it's a safe bet he won't be back at all. From either her town, or his home town, to ours, is a different county. So with public transport etc I can't imagine he would be travelling back after that time

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 06/12/2017 16:45

Or that she just showed his family that she is worried about him rather than it being a lack of trust.

I'd agree NC if that were how it had come across but the OP said SIL said she'd ask him when she speaks to him and let her know.

I took that to mean she'd ask if he'd left her/ got back with ex or whatever else.

Otherwise it would just have said she'd contact OP is she heard from him.

I'm not defending his guy but some of these posts are a little OTT.

BrieAndChilli · 06/12/2017 16:46

Think it’s a bit of an overreaction to just assume he’s left you, maybe he’s gone to the cinema/meeting friends/mueseum/pub/Xbox session with a friend/football match/Christmas shopping/extra shift at work etc etc
There are a million places he could be. If he’s been gone 24 hours then I would start to worry

Eliza9917 · 06/12/2017 16:46

Carrotgirl999
I said, il be about an hour, and he said, ok see you soon. Knowing he wasn't going to be here.

Could he have gone to the shop and had an accident on the way there/back?

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:46

Yes Iv been irresponsible. Aware of that.

My son is a very well adjusted young man, Iv raised him well, with or without this stupid mistake, I assure you he will be fine.

Financially, tight, not impossible, yes, difficult.

My mum is going to come over for a cuppa. Hopefully she will be able to keep me occupied for a little bit x

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 16:48

Bear, when she's spoken to her husband, my partners brother, to ask if he's heard from him at all today, that's all. I haven't gone into gory detail with her. Thought I'd save that for here.

OP posts:
Frouby · 06/12/2017 16:49

Hope he is back soon op.

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