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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 07/12/2017 11:28

I even wonder if he was truly at his mums or at the ex’s? Why no coat? I think she came and picked him up. Sorry OP :(

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 07/12/2017 11:32

Actually I'm inclined to believe it was his brother. She doesn't drive. And his family HATE her. So I don't even think he would've dropped him at hers.

I think, potentially, he has been messaging her/calling her while Iv been at work, and now he doesn't know who he wants. He knows he can't message her on a night in front of me as it would cause questions.

So he's gone to his m

OP posts:
Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 07/12/2017 11:33

Mums so he can talk to her freely, and choose who he wants.

The fact he will be talking to her for the last two days and sent me one goddamn text is really all I need to know tho.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2017 11:37

So sorry about this. Personally I’d unwrap and return the gifts to the shops. You’re going to need every last penny to pay the rent now. What a dick. Angry

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 07/12/2017 11:37

I have another message. He's not coming back. He's unhappy. And he's sorry. Fuck

OP posts:
FlowerPot1234 · 07/12/2017 11:38

I'm just wanting answers.
The only thing your partner has are versions of truth that he will feed you to get what he wants. He has told you cannot make you happy. You have one answer there. I know you don't want that to be the truth though. So you seek other answers, perhaps one that can keep you together, can make a go of things seem worthwhile. Remember, you have answers too.

I want peace of mind.
Is being with someone who has done this, who feels the way he does about his ex, peace of mind? There is no nervous breakdown here. He is hedging his bets and keeping you hanging on whilst he and he ex work out how they can be together. If they can't, he might use you to stay with until someone who he is sure about, comes along.

I am so sorry. Flowers.

FlowerPot1234 · 07/12/2017 11:40

x-post...

I'm so sorry. He was waiting and sorting out plans elsewhere. I am really sorry he has done this to you.

Resolve. Make plans. Create your own answers. Do not let yourself want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.

CarrieBradshaw85 · 07/12/2017 11:41

OP I apologise for this sounding harsh but he's done you a massive favor. Pack/sell his stuff, return the Christmas presents and treat yourself and DS and have a cosy Christmas just you two.

Allabitmuchisntit · 07/12/2017 11:41

He's going to go back to the ex and it's all going to go horribly wrong. And you my dear will be over him. Flowers

CarrieBradshaw85 · 07/12/2017 11:42

And remember we're all here for you. Flowers Wine

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 07/12/2017 11:43

Pack his stuff up the cowardly twat.

He doesn't deserve you. He's a pathetic excuse for a 'man'. What a way to treat someone.

So sorry OP but I do think you will look back on this in the future and be glad you had a lucky escape. He sounds so weak.

inlectorecumbit · 07/12/2017 11:44

A simple "thanks for letting me know" is enough. Do not beg or engage in conversation. Return the Christmas presents. Let him arrange for his shit to be collected once you have bagged it up.
He will regret this and come crawling back soon enoigh but you mydear will have moved on.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2017 11:44

Oh I’m so sorry Flowers. Just remember she didn’t get the prize. He’s a juvenile, unreliable man. And now you know, you can start to rebuild your life.

senua · 07/12/2017 11:46

I have a message
That's good. You have closure.
Pack his stuff and have it ready for collection - in exchange for his key.

Annelind · 07/12/2017 11:47

This will hurt like fuck now, but please don't beg for him to come back or even let him know how you're hurting. You are well rid of this manchild, as I feel you already know Flowers

sonjadog · 07/12/2017 11:48

Now you know, which is better in the long run. Pack up his stuff and get it out of your house. Return the Christmas present or give it to charity. Keep facing firmly forward in your life. What a weak man he is. He isn't good enough for you.

JaneEyre70 · 07/12/2017 11:50

If you can, pack his stuff up and tell him he has 24 hours to collect it from outside the flat before it gets binned. Change your locks, wallow shout scream and cry, then dust yourself down and try to enjoy Christmas with your son. This is shit but at least you know x

messofajess · 07/12/2017 11:50

OP you sound like an extremely resilient woman and a good mother.

You keep going with your instincts to end it now. You made a silly mistake and there's no need to make another. Xxx

Babyblues052 · 07/12/2017 11:51

Who does a disappearing act then breaks up over text?! What an arse hole. You better off. It'll be very hard but someone who can just walk out and not look back is not worth your time.

Lovemusic33 · 07/12/2017 11:53

I would send him a message saying your packing up his things and will leave them with his brother, if there’s any Christmas presents from him to you under the tree then pack them too, don’t give him any gifts from you, sell them or give them to charity. I did the same last year with my ex, I found lots of presents he had bought me that were hidden under the bed, I put them with his things ready to be collected. The only gift that I bought him that I gave to him was canvas I had made with his children on as I didn’t want it and it was no good for anyone else.

Get rid of every trace of him ASAP so you can get on with Christmas and still making it special for your son. What he has done to you is horrible but you will get over it, things will get better. I ththink no you have had a lucky escape, he sounds like someone who struggles to cope with emotions and can not face up to things with out making a huge drama. You have had a lucky escape.

When ever I meet anyone new now I take note of ‘how things ended with their ex’ of course a man is always going to make out a break up of a relationship was not their fault, the fact he mentioned not being able to handle things and running away from things is a huge red flag.

SockUnicorn · 07/12/2017 11:54

so sorry carrot

SandAndSea · 07/12/2017 11:55

Carrot, you're doing incredibly well. I think packing his stuff up and moving it out asap is a good idea. I say this because I did it myself soon after a bereavement (I surprised myself) and later on, I was so glad I had. Whatever happens in the next few weeks, it'll be easier without having his stuff everywhere to remind you and bring you down and it'll never be easier than now to detach from it. It also sends a clear message to him (and the universe) regarding what you will tolerate and how you should be treated. And, it will boost your self-respect to make this decision. If he doesn't come back, you'll be in a much better place for Christmas and the New Year. If he does eventually come back, he'll know exactly how things are and have more respect for you.

I've been thinking of you this morning. You're doing incredibly well; I'm really impressed with how you're dealing with it. Star

Gazelda · 07/12/2017 11:56

This must be so painful for you. But remember you've behaved in an adult way, have given him love, and in return he has treated you with complete lack of respect. He has no balls. He is a coward and a flake.

You deserve better. You deserve to be happy and you should be proud of your self respect.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/12/2017 11:56

You knew this was coming; but it'll still hurt. Sugary tea and nurse yourself through the shock.

You have closure now; don't wait for anything else. It can tempting to, but it's easy to postpone the pain by making yourself believe that you need more answers. the sooner you go through the pain, the sooner you are on the other side.

Pack his things. Can your mum come and help; and keep you company?

Racmactac · 07/12/2017 11:57

What an arse. I know that ending relationships is bloody hard. I'm going through it myself right now but you don't end it like that. Take care of yourself.
And if you want someone to chat to pm me