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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:
Trailedanderror · 07/12/2017 09:18

Have a duvet day ignoring the phone:
This film is distracting and cathartic.

TheWickerWoman · 07/12/2017 09:18

Morning Carrot,

Keep going, you’re doing great. You’ve got control here.

Like you said, he’s still leaving you hanging with his ‘I need a day or two’ hes hoping the dust settles so he can come back to you or so it softens the blow if something is indeed happening with her. I suspect he’s going to try and worm his way back in with you. He wasn’t banking on getting caught so he’s reacted with the big ‘poor me’ drama not knowing what else to do.

Saying he can’t make you happy is because he wants you to say ‘yes you can, let’s try again etc’

I may be wrong but that’s what I’m getting from it.

If I was you I’d continue this silence now until you’re ready to give him the final boot. You will feel so much better about this soon when you realise what a lucky escape you’ve had.

Bearbehind · 07/12/2017 09:25

carrot you're doing great.

You know the reality here is he is deciding whether he wants you or his ex- you get control by making one of those options impossible.

gingergenius · 07/12/2017 09:28

Glad you got some sleep Carrot. It hurts horribly but I agree you don't need to acknowledge him unless you feel it would serve a purpose. You must be so angry with him. Try to keep yourself distracted and when your son gets home from school, watch a film, get a takeaway and chill together. It's very healing and my children have been a very welcome comfort in hard times. They're what keep us going.

This man created his drama. He can wallow.

If he is struggling mentally that is sad but he needs to take responsibility for the situation he's has created.

merrykate · 07/12/2017 09:28

I've just read this thread from start to finish.

I'm so sorry about your situation. You sound like a strong woman who won't accept any bullshit.

Have you both been happy in your relationship so far? Is this completely out of the blue?

JaneEyre70 · 07/12/2017 09:35

Just imagine him - sitting like a King at his Mums with her running round after him saying poor you darling..... and weighing up his choices between the ex and you.

Has he for one second thought of what he's put you or your son through in the last 24 hours??? Has he hell. Stay strong, lovely, you are worth a million times more than what this sad excuse of a man has to offer you Flowers.

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 07/12/2017 09:38

Hey Kate. This is completely out of the blue. I know he had a very difficult childhood, I know he left his ex with just the clothes on his back, I know he doesn't deal with conflict well and I know he was getting quieter over the weekend as she reappeared.

All these things should maybe have been warning signs in hindsight, but he has been very loving, communicative, honest and happy for the rest of the time so I really am blindsided by this.

OP posts:
MsJolly · 07/12/2017 09:44

Take your time, try to block it from your mind today and be kind to yourself.

Wait and see what time brings and what you want to do from here.

ClareB83 · 07/12/2017 09:45

Do not text him.

Don't even compose messages to maybe text him.

He showed you total disregard yesterday and doesn't deserve a message from you.

Wait until you have the strength then put his stuff together and take it to his Mums/tell him to come get it (and get the keys back).

If he wants to plead for you back or to provide a better explanation he can. He doesn't need a text from you as permission.

PizzaPlease · 07/12/2017 09:45

I didn't managed to read everything, but think I'm mostly up to date. Did you ring his mums to make sure he's actually there?

LilOnline · 07/12/2017 09:47

I am on Team "do not text him back".

This behaviour and the explanation in his text is unacceptable. He needs to go to counselling or therapy - he has serious avoidance issues.

Have a script of what you want to do / say and keep to it. Don't get too emotional when you see him - keep calm.

Hope you're ok and sorry you're going through this.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/12/2017 09:51

Pack his stuff. The older I get the less shit I can take from men.

LostMyMojoSomewhere · 07/12/2017 10:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FlowerPot1234 · 07/12/2017 10:02

Carrot I am so sorry you are going through this. I read posts yesterday and really hoped all was well, and have come to check today and am very sad to see what he has done to you.

The agony of this is that he is control of the situation, and you are waiting for an answer. This is the most awful position for people to be in and the only way out of the agony, despite it being scary and final and all of that, is for you to look at what he has done, the one piece of truth he has admitted = I cannot make you happy = and you need to act.

Taking control will feel as if you are putting the nail in the coffin of a relationship you desperately want, but he has rejected you, he has disrespected you, he has shown he doesn't care about you. Doing what he did last night is 100% proof of that. So this nail in the coffin of the relationship is something you will need to hit. You will feel liberated and the pain of not having the relationship you want will go, I promise.

No matter what scenario you come up with, that he comes to his senses, that he chooses you, that he sorts his head out etc etc - you will forever know you are with someone who is not sure he wants to be with you. That isn't love, that is him hedging his bets and waiting for someone that he is sure about to come along.

Pack up his things and tell him you will leave them on the street, or take them to his mother's (if he's out) or somewhere neutral (better), in x hours, and give him a time to collect them.

Take control, make your decisions (not his), and get this person who does not see, appreciate, respect nor love you out of your life.

Be strong and well done for keeping your head together. Flowers

lazyleo · 07/12/2017 10:02

Started reading through yesterday and finished this thread this morning. What an awful time you've had Carrot. I think you have handled yourself with great dignity and I get the sense from your posts that you know this is over. You're not going to give him a chance to do this to you again. I think people have given you a real hard time, you've come out of a difficult relationship yourself and found someone you thought was just right - I'm sure you aren't the only one to have done this and discovered the person they thought was right for them actually wasn't. Stay strong, keep ignoring and get those locks changed if he still has a key. He's out of your life and it's all his own doing.

merrykate · 07/12/2017 10:03

Well, what has become clear from reading this whole thread is some people find it very easy to walk out on their lives and never look back. It sounds like he's keeping you hanging until he has made his choice. I don't think you could've predicted this at all. I'm definitely on team don't text. He'll end up alone whilst you have had dignity and your head held high throughout.

Mxyzptlk · 07/12/2017 10:06

He is either shagging the ex or at him mum's waiting for the ex to pick him or the other bloke.

Or waiting for the ex to dump the other bloke.

If he wants to try to be with you again, he needs to make a lot more effort than that pathetic text.
And you don't need to do anything to make it easy for him.

UtterlyRainbowed · 07/12/2017 10:06

Hey, Im glad you fot some sleep and I'm sorry you're going through this. You're doing so well - please don't text him. If you really must simply ask for him to post your key back. He'll get the message and you'll (hopefully) get what you need.

I'm against packing his stuff though -he has total disregard for his possessions and your feelings. He's a grown man. If he wants it back he can come and face you and collect it.

If not, I'm all for donating it to the homeless for Christmas. They honestly deserve help more than him.

You're so strong. Thinking of you xx

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 07/12/2017 10:08

Ok. So I have spoken to twin brother. This is best I could think of doing. Said brother is going to drive to mums later, firstly see if he's there, secondly see what he's playing at. Brother is as angry as I am, said I don't deserve this and will contact me as soon as he figures out what's going on. IF it's the ex, Iv told him to tell him to stay there.

IF it's a genuine breakdown, I will speak to twin again and find out as much as I can, make a decision from there. Either way, not contacting partner. I can't. I darent if I'm honest incase I get ignored or he talks me round x

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 07/12/2017 10:14

You're doing great.

littleskittle · 07/12/2017 10:15

Stay strong, you've handled this brilliantly so far! Hope twin brother has some answers for you Thanks

MrsXx4 · 07/12/2017 10:17

Stay strong OP! This must be so hard for you. You really are doing great though and I agree 100% not to message him.

I am glad his brother is helping you out and can see how bad this is! x

gingergenius · 07/12/2017 10:20

Should twin bro be driving the day after an op??

Original poster
Carrotgirl999 · 07/12/2017 10:23

He said I'm going to try and get hold of him, I might have a drive up to my
Mums when I'm feeling a bit better? I know it was only under local so I assume he wouldn't be driving unless he felt well enough?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2017 10:24

I'm so sorry OP.

Well, if you look at the wording of his text (I didn't see the screenshot so paraphrase) he hasn't lied, which is in itself very duplicitous. 'Gone to mum's/At mum's' doesn't make it clear whether that's the first place he went. Given the context of ex appearing, and the new clothes, and the anger on the phone (very much 'I'm in the middle of something urgent and you've wrecked it', NOT 'I am having a crisis') , it seems fairly obvious that he either went to see his ex or intended to. I bet that if you asked him this directly he would confirm it and be quick to say he never told you he went straight to his mums.

Secondly as you've said, you would have been able to accept him having a wobble and being honest about it. But he very much wasn't honest, and has let you down in the worst way he could. Selfish, unkind, hysterical behaviour. So now you know what he's like under pressure, if you didn't before given the way he walked out on his ex. So you know that and you can't un-know it. You 'll never trust this guy to be there for you, to level with you if there's a problem. You'll NEVER be able to go through challenging times together without having the added torture of wondering whether he's going to flip out and walk away without a backward glance, like some actually-not-very-heroic tragic hero. He's utterly immature. You cannot have that around your son and you could never, for example, have a child with him and feel secure.

You've said this yourself so you know the score. It's not about faithfulness and an ex, you've seen in glorious technicolour exactly what strength of character this guy has and it is zero.

he has been very loving, communicative, honest and happy for the rest of the time so I really am blindsided by this. Exactly. He's not really loving, honest or communicative when it matters, he just talks a good game when it's easy to act like you really have those qualities, when there's no pressure.

He might indeed talk you round but the respect will be gone.

Finally, if he's really at his mum's then it gives you an insight into the family too. Hard to believe that he's there but his twin bro doesn't know about it? Not saying he does, just that there's more than a hint of his family being prepared to close ranks and side with him when he pulls these stunts - maybe just his mum. If that's how things are, maybe it's no surprise he's a manchild underneath. That doesn't bode well either, no matter how well you get on with his bro/SIL.